Brothers,
I have been lurking this sub for the past year now, figured I share a little bit about my journey.

I grew up in a small town, with three sisters and a brother. I am the second oldest child, and my brother is the youngest of all of us. I was raised by narcissist parents who did not give me much attention and heavily punished me whenever I did something wrong. My father is a super-masculine alpha male who has PTSD from civil war back home. He was working away and rarely in town and therefore he was absent through most of my early childhood. He's a super charming dude when it came to giving speeches and interacting with strangers. However, he was very dismissive, condescending and demeaning to us (or at least myself). It was obvious that my sisters were his favorite princesses. He had a special bond with them. My mother was just emotionally absent, but I can’t blame her much because she was mostly sick.

We were poor, so we couldn't afford a lot of toys, so we had to use our imagination. I was mostly disengaged from life, sort of lost in my head daydreaming. My dad used to poke fun of me and call me dizzy-head, for lack of a better word. I was a fat kid with a huge head and I was clearly a disappointment for being lazy and not fun. My younger sister used to get praised for her enthusiastic personality and athletic ability to run and jump around on the playground whenever we went to the park. My parents did not believe in concepts such as motivation, support, encouragement and building personality. The mentality was "you're just crappy and not like others, and fuck you for that". If I did something wrong, I would get scolded, If I did things right, it was still not up to their perfect expectations so I would get zero encouragement. And if everything was okay, they would still pick on me for their amusement. That left me confused, hopeless and insecure. I am not sure if this is because my parents were married at a young age, but anyhow, it was just an overall shitty childhood.

Middle-school was mostly dominated by girls and female teachers, they would mostly encourage obedient feminine behaviour. I was the quietest and most obedient boy in the class. That changed when I went to all-boys school. Initially, I was heavily bullied, but eventually I got less afraid of getting beaten up and learned how to fight back. Fast forward to my teenage days, I lost a shit ton of weight and became super skinny and tall. I used to start my day with watching rocky training montages. I was obsessed with boxing and soccer and would spent most of my days outside playing on the streets with other kids. I tried my best to befriend my youngest brother and get him to join me in soccer. I always wanted to have an older brother who would introduce me to his world and watch my back. But he was a different type of kid. My sisters really pampered him quite a bit and so he was very comfortable being at home watching tv and playing video games. I once tried to persuade him too much and he said something that I would never forget to this day. He said: “I just don’t like playing outside, because it makes me sweat and my clothes dirty ew! I don’t like to be sweaty”. It just boggled me and to this day, I couldn’t believe how much I disagreed with that kind of mentality (even as a kid). But he was very praised by my Dad for being agreeable, disciplined, and calm (unlike me, of course).

Anyway, long story short, about 9 years ago, I asked my parents that I wanted to study abroad, and they agreed. And I have been on my own ever since. I was insecure because of my severe overbite and worked day and night to save money to get that fixed. After two years of braces and a constructive jaw surgery, I finally got it fixed. It boosted my confidence and overall look. I was a virgin until the age of 24 and after a shit ton of attempts, I found a girl online and got that taken care of. I was in sort of a relationship with her and after a lot of lies and manipulation I decided that I had enough and ended things with her. She really tried to win me back, but I didn’t care. I didn’t respond to any of her calls or texts. I just told myself enough is enough. Eventually she gave up.

I still believed that there a special someone just waiting for me (I blame it on the stupid tv shows I used to watch) . I studied a shit ton of PUA and tried multiple things with very little success. I became resentful and discovered TRP, which added fuel to my hatred. I spent a lot of time on self-improvement (going to the gym, improving my sense of style, the usual stuff). I slowly became more and more successful; I started having plates and eventually fooled around quite a bit. To my surprise, instead of feeling happier, it made me super depressed. I just felt empty and soulless. I was getting drunk a lot and spending a shit ton money all for a little bit of pleasure with no substance. In the end, I decided to settle down and get in a long term a relationship, but boy oh boy…. I honestly don’t know what to say. Without getting too much into details, I am going to say that I am no longer interested. I ended my last relationship about two years ago and I haven’t texted another woman since then. I swear, I haven’t been more content ever since. I don’t hate women, nor care about ideologies.

Yes, things are incredibly horrible and becoming worst, but it’s not my battle to fight. Tinder is toxic, instagram is toxic, and more importantly blue-pill men are even more toxic. Most women are not special, and most men are spineless bitches. Let them do whatever they wanna do and descend slowly into the rabbit hole of hell they created them. It’s not gonna affect me. I am fine being on my own. Are they? I hardly doubt that.

Edit: Formatting