I'm 21F, and have wanted to be a housewife and have a big family since I was little. However, I was raised by parents with a more liberal mindset around gender roles, so it was immediately discouraged as soon as I started saying that's what I wanted to be when I grow up.

They had sort of convinced me by the time I was in high school, as they didn't have a very healthy marriage and my mother stayed at home. I could see they were unhappy, and assumed it wasn't possible. Then, after being raped of my virginity by my first boyfriend, I became incredibly depressed (I was saving myself for marriage) and gave up completely, assuming that my chances at finding someone were ruined, because I was no longer a virgin. Since then I've had three sexual partners, two of them in the context of a long term relationship. I also went to college, thinking I would have a career and go to grad school, but realized that it wasn't what I actually want for myself and dropped out. I barely have any loans taken out, and will work on paying those off myself, so I don't think it's an issue?

I'm still really worried that this has ruined me for future partners, because I see so much posting on subreddits like this one that talk about how important it is for a woman to be a virgin. Even if I find a guy who will accept me regardless, I'm worried that he would lead me on and I would have sex with him, only for him to leave me later with a higher body count. I get carried away really easily because I am gullible, and that is what has happened before. The obvious solution would be to wait until marriage or engagement to have sex, but I am not sure that any guy would be okay with that, considering I have already had premarital sex.

To top it all off I am also agnostic. I have nothing against Christianity, but I really just can't bring myself to believe it. I feel like I have no hope at ever being happy and having a husband and family

Please help