I don’t know what to do with LTR.

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May 27, 2020
79 upvotes

We’ve been in a relationship for three years now, living together for two. Usually things are good, she cooks and cleans, sex when I want it. However one argument continuously pops up over and over again.

She feels that I don’t love her and thinks of her as an afterthought.

I try to stay busy and productive with my time whether it be my art or my project car. I’m innately a creative person and that is what I enjoy doing, creating and fixing things. I feel that we spend a lot of time together, we go on dates at least once a month. I’ll be honest I’m not the guy that buys her flowers or gifts all the time, but I’ll help out with the cleaning or make breakfast/dinner, help her with her studies, or really anything she needs, but I guess this is not enough.

To me, it seems like if I’m not with her 24/7 she feels emotionally neglected or something. Its honestly quite annoying.

This is my first LTR and the first girl I’ve lived with, it truly is a balancing act to keep things in line and stable. But I guess today was the straw that broke the camels back she completely blew up on me about all of this. If she leaves me, she leaves me, oh well I guess. Lol

Do you guys have any advice on how to mend things back and make her feel more special going forward?


Post Information
Title I don’t know what to do with LTR.
Author isthatsuperman
Upvotes 79
Comments 86
Date 27 May 2020 04:57 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/668593
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/grnh8j/i_dont_know_what_to_do_with_ltr/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
long term relationship
Comments

[–]Endorsed ContributorMetalgear222277 points278 points  (16 children) | Copy

She feels that I don’t love her and thinks of her as an afterthought.

Determine if its a comfort test or shit test.

Tone is sweet and slightly stressed? Comfort.

Tone is shitty and snappy? Shit.

Body language is open and inviting? Comfort.

Body Language is closed and stand offish? Shit.

She asks you when you are just lazing on the couch? Comfort.

She asks right before your planned leaving time for dinner with your male friends? Shit.

Shit-tests you should already know how to handle. Comfort tests are actually even easier to pass. Just reassure through a kiss on the forehead or a super passionate kiss. No words are best in that situation.

[–]bruiser1856 points57 points  (3 children) | Copy

This could be a post of its own

[–]Wave942 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

^ Would be good if we could get this in a post.. simple and clear with examples given

[–]2redhawkes2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]bruiser180 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is great thanks

[–]JohnNoomer49 points50 points  (3 children) | Copy

Please don’t ever delete this comment, I need it saved for future reference.

[–]SSandwichmaker6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Make a screenshot

[–]beardestbird5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

I tend to save comments and read them so I feel where he’s coming from

[–]GonadGravy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I feel too

[–]Protocol_Apollo10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy

To add, typically comfort tests have “ I” in it, whereas shit tests typically have “you”.

[–]i-am-the-prize1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"I" or "me" (are you gonna replace me? are you gonna find someone younger than me? - yes, been asked both, and both were comfort tests) and yes, an actual forehead kiss was all it took. (don't say 'no' and remove all dread, and neuter yourself, just give some physical comfort).

the 'you' version would be as the EC notes, when you're about to go out, or with aggression/posture, and "you are gonna go find someone younger, aren't you!" yes, got that one too, and yes, A&A'd and then STFUd. She got no comfort when she shittested me, she got AM back at her.

[–]PM_ME_UR_NIPS_GURL0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You explained it so simply. Thanks man

[–]PaulWallThrowed0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Beautiful.

[–]Diche_Bach108 points109 points  (6 children) | Copy

I'm over 70, on my second wife. Had scores of strange over the years. I'm going to give you some advice that most of these "red pills" dingbats cannot even comprehend because they mostly have not lived long enough, nor have they actually achieved a high-degree of self-actualization.

If you do not wish to spend the rest of your life with this person, and do NOT imagine you would be miserable without her, you are doing no one any favors by staying in the relationship. Oh sure, some random strange pussy can be fun, but eventually it will become more toxic than helpful. Same for a couple LTRs with someone who is not really a great fit. But we all deserve to find that great fit with whom we can spend the rest of our lives. Sounds like your current partner doesn't fit that bill, otherwise, her wanting more attention from you would not feel annoying to you.

First: be happy with your life on your own. Then determine what it is you need in a person you would spend the rest of your life with. Now keep your eyes open for a person with those traits, and accept that you may never find them. I found that by doing this, I DID find them.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 33 points34 points  (3 children) | Copy

Wow, thanks for the advice old timer! I wouldn’t be miserable without her, but I do enjoy my time with her. Is she my perfect fit? Absolutely not. But I’m under the mindset that there is nobody who can check all the boxes, especially in this day and age, so I must take the good with the bad. A greener grass situation, I suppose.

[–]Diche_Bach44 points45 points  (2 children) | Copy

What I did was write out an HONEST (with myself) LIST. In fact I think initially there were two lists (it has been around forty years, so memory is not really clear). This was during a period when I was in a very similar mindset to you, except I had had one failed marriage and then a period of excessive binging on strange which initially felt very empowering but then eventually just made me feel progressively more pathetic and disgusted. One list was of "Deal Breaker" traits (both physical, and behavioral). It would've been almost impossible to have composed this list at any point earlier in my life because without plenty of actual experience I wouldn't know what WAS a deal breaker. The Deal Breaker list was maybe 10 or 11 traits. Then the "Must Have" list was initially about 30 items. Just writing out those preliminary lists for myself was one of the most clarifying acts of my life I think because I realized that many of the things I had been pursuing were almost opposite of what I could see myself being happy with permanently. I think I then merged the two lists into a combination and collapsed certain points into others in more clear and cogent fashion and wound up with a final list of 37 characteristics.

It was at that point I found freedom because I knew what I was actually looking for. I still played, and dated and shopped, and I was pretty much resigned to the idea that I would never find someone who matched even 65% of that list of 37 much less all. However, by living my life with the insights of that list I approached inter-sex relations very differently and that probably helped me in my quest. I did in fact eventually find the one that fit with most of the 37, though I cannot recall if it was only 35 or 34 which were near perfect and the last few "close enough" or not.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ll sit down and reflect on this. Thanks for the sage advice! Haha

[–]CaptainFajita2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Composing a list is what should be done in the early stages of any serious, worthwhile endeavor. You must see it in your mind first. Thanks for sharing.

[–]ThinSpiritual2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I second this statement. I've come to terms with both TRP concepts of bashing desires to find "unicorns" (BP dreams - but it's only human, right?) as well as recognizing and expressing one's needs honestly (Frame).In my "post-RP awakening", a true love/unicorn is simply someone who can accept most of you for who you are. But the pre-requisite to achieving this is you having the ability to recognize your needs honestly, and you having the frame to express your needs honestly without bending will to anyone (hence passing shit tests/comfort tests/unplugging).

You're the creative type who doesn't buy flowers? Your "unicorn" will accept that (aka someone who's compatible), but it's also your job to communicate that in an unapologetic manner. I strongly believe that if you're authentic enough, your LTR will feel it. The fact that she often feels not loved is suggesting that maybe you still have validation seeking behavior when interacting with her. Or if you believe you have done your part and she's still testing you, then she's probably not the one. It's bothering you enough for you to make a post here, no?

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy

If you randomly give her flowers (which can be a loose bouquet from a florist), every so often, and not on Valentine's or her birthday, you will save yourself some (but not all) hassle.

Florists are usually women or gay guys and just say that you want a loose bouquet that for your girlfriend that she can put in a vase and feel happy about. If she has some favorites - gerbera daisies or whatever - mention those. Tell them what you want to spend and let them work with it, ex. "Hi, I have about $25 {or whatever} to spend today, and I want a loose bouquet, and my gf digs {whatever}" If you want to make them chuckle, you can add, "There is no 'special occasion' and I didn't do anything stupid that I'm trying to get her to forgive me for."

If you don't ask, they will ask if she has favorites or if it's an occasion some sort - I used to say "Condolences for a positive pregnancy test", but not so much now. If you chat them up a bit, and give them smth to work with they will (often enough) go all out for you, because florists are in the florist game for the $$$; it's one of those things that you have to want to be in.

Also, so few guys bring flowers now, that she should dig it (different for you because: LTR, but in general). Her girlfriends will be impressed, which is good for you. I used to have an out-of-town OLTR, and I would bring her a single red rose when I would visit. It counted as foreplay.

[–]1ForeverNandrolone10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Random flowers are a great idea. A friend of mine is used to say “flowers are a cheap investment in your relationship.” Flowers bought on non holidays are extremely cheap and pay off very well. Sending them to her work so she show off to her friends is also extremely effective.

[–]Protocol_Apollo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was this only with the OLTR that you bought flowers?

Personally, I’d rather be the skittles guy 🤷‍♂️

[–]4thAndLong38 points39 points  (0 children) | Copy

With LTR's you gotta give them some comfort. Can't be a robot as much as you think you can. Just turn up the comfort a little bit. Maybe more than one date a month and be a little more spontaneous with random things that couples do.

[–]spedoid39 points40 points  (0 children) | Copy

Once a month is okay for dates, but not great. I would honestly take her out once every two weeks if she's being a good girlfriend. If she cooks every day and is well behaved, take her out every other week. It can be at a place you like, or something fun that you wanna do. Dates are honestly pretty fun, I love eating out. You could also watch a TV show together and order takeout on Saturday nights, or something like that.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she does all this for you as any woman should, treat her a little,

Book a table at a nice restaurant, send her a text saying “Wear something nice we’re going out tonight”

Not saying you need to buy flowers but if you care about this woman and she’s doing what she should I see no problem in some sort of comfort.

[–]Cyclophosphoamide16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

First of all DONT change how you are at all, being productive and busy in your day to day life IS exactly the reason she’s still cooking, cleaning and giving you sex whenever you want 3 years into the relationship. She knows you’re higher value and she wants to please you.

However girls can break and a full 100% alpha is not ideal for a relationship. Try to give her some comfort here and there as others mentioned, but don’t go overboard. Maybe plan a nice date with her if she’s acting well.

[–]Subutai_Baghatur5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

sex when I want

This is an important part. Is it “sex on demand” in terms of she said you can fuck her whenever you want and she enjoys it or is it that she lays there dry and takes it, hoping it to be over? If the former, you need to increase comfort immediately after but if it’s the latter then you need to increase your dread while making your escape plans, if that doesn’t improve within a few months then leave her.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I actually kinda with hold sex from her. Sometimes I just do t feel like fucking. But when I do it’s passionate no starfish shit.

[–]peachez2004 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Have you tried involving her in your projects and hobbies?

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yes. She has no interest in them.

[–]MontrealStud4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Really? Or are your projects boring to everyone else ...

Try getting fit together, that'll be fun and a challenge for the both of you. Keywords; fun & challenging

Sure, she can't sit down with you and shoot out a bunch of sand people on pixels. But that doesn't mean that both of you can't have fun together. Compromise in this situation, find a hobby she'll be more open to.

+New hobby

+Tangible results

Win, win.

[–]peachez2001 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Really? She isn't interested in art or cars? Is there a hobby you can develop together? If not then I'd say y'all have conflicting personalities and/or are boring as hell and need to break up. Long term relationships are built on similar interests.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

We do do some art things together. But as far as cars go. No interest. Lol but I get what you mean.

[–]Natural_Singer8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

she's bored essentially is what she's saying.

sure, making dinner, helping w/ her studies - all good stuff. But in an LTR - she misses that "oh shit im fucking dating a rock star" feeling that she first got with you when yall used to do a lot of fun shit together.

remember when you guys used to go on interesting dates? Whens the last time you took her out to an amusement park (obv its covid but u get what i mean) or even cooked her up something special just for her (even if secretly it was really fucking easy for u).

make little future plans w/ her about visiting an art museum together or something you'd both enjoy once covids over.

If honestly this is not enough for her and she just takes it for granted, then its time to move on. But you can't be at the base level of providing no stimulus and then wondering why she's not all over your dick

[–]poortrait1000 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes by totally entering her frame you will solve this

[–]Natural_Singer4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

i disagree that it's "totally entering her frame". I gave OP a clear out if she takes what he offers for granted.

You can't' be committed to someone, offer nothing but the bare minimum and wonder why everyone gets bored and leaves.

[–]beardestbird4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Holy fuck I asked this question literally yesterday. Ever since I realized red pill is more about focusing on passions and not women I’ve been busy focusing on my goals. Girl I’m talking to ends up seeing this. Is probably even more attracted to me and now is mad I don’t care as much.

You can probably find some gems in my post but I think this is a sign you’re doing the right thing. Idk what to do about leaving her or not but you’re on your purpose

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ll look at it thanks brother.

[–]BlueBrye10 points11 points  (8 children) | Copy

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4 NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren’t married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’d be fun they said. Lmao

[–]TheGirlGetter90006 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

Stupid rule. What if you never plan to marry? Marrying is a bad contract. Why would you want to do that? You can live with a girl without marriage.

[–]THE_EVIL_EYE_IS_REAL2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I heard something like if you live together for a certain amount of time then you're automatically married. Could be total bullshit, correct me if I'm wrong

[–]TheGirlGetter90002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's called common law marriage. It only exists in some states. It also isn't as simple as "live together and you're married" either, though most people tend to think of it that way since that's a key requirement. You have to show the intent of being married in some way, too.

[–]mrsmiley8312 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's not a stupid rule, theres reasoning to it.

On a side note, username checks out.

[–]TheGirlGetter9000-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

On a side note, username checks out.

Lmao

And it is a stupid rule. Because let's take a look at a case study of one (all you need to disprove an all-or-nothing rule like that)

I want kids. I want a family. I have a really good, hot LTR of 4 years.

If I want kids and a family with this LTR, would I be better served to live with her or not live with her? You decide.

But marriage is independent of that. Marriage means half of my net-worth is now up for grabs if we break up while having a family, in addition to child support payments. Is it a smart move for me (or any man) to marry? You decide.

So, in my case, I will need to live with a woman at some point. I do not need to marry anyone at any point, nor is it to my advantage to do so at any point.

So, again, how does that rule make any sense? In my opinion, that rule is for TRP noobs so they don't go shacking up with their GF of 1 month who hasn't touched their peepee yet. It's not a real rule for real men.

[–]Tiway22-4 points-3 points  (1 child) | Copy

What an idiot rule. Dont listen to this garbage. You can live with an LTR without marrying.

[–]mrsmiley8315 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Okay, you'll find out the hard way that it never works.

[–]poortrait1001 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I sometimes feel like I’m a lost redditor whose stumbled into the relationship advice sub with some of these comments

[–]beardestbird1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

What’s wrong with asking this? You’re not gonna get good advice from relationships subs and trp discusses interactions with women

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree. The relationship subs are blind to the natural dynamic of men and women. At least here, some OG can give me some real shit advice.

[–]beardestbird0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. That’s the main issue people have and usually come to the red pill for

[–]poortrait1000 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

These comments not the question, read and comprehend then comment you cucks

[–]beardestbird0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Lol it’s humorous. Whatever

[–]poortrait1000 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ha ha ha ha ha buy her flowers 💐

[–]beardestbird0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lmao I feel you. Those guys usually aren’t red pilled anyways. Just frontin for the sub

[–]Lateralanouncer1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your doing it right. She should complement you awesome life. Now. From my experience Most girls are boring as fuck no hobbies etc, Netflix chill and sex is about all they know. so she likely relies on you for entertainment and excitement. She may just be board.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think she is. I’m constantly trying to get her into a hobby or something. Even trying to get her to work on my car with me. She has no interest in it though.

[–]oooKenshiooo1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She is insecure.

Insecure women need constant reassurance, and no matter how much affection you pour over them, it will evaporate within a second. You need to teach her to become more stable. Maybe help her find a hobby that she enjoys on her own. My LTR likes to paint and do yoga - and it gets her to shup up while I do my stuff.
When she is done she comes back refreshed and chipper and dealing with her is

a pleasure instead of a chore.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’ve hit the nail on the head. Some days I think We’ve made progress then the next we’re back to square one.

[–]OpEd TexterBlackjointnerD0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Tricky situation...Iv been there...If she is really the great girl you say she is then just create something for her since your so creative...Far as the arguments go dont even bring them up or apologize about anything...If this is a comfort thing its a simple fix...Spend like 5-10 minutes of focused attention on her today, kiss her, play with her hair, tell her something sweet and then go work on what I told you and take her out twice a month going forward....3 years is awhile man, entering that family talk territory....Other than that DONT CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE..Stay on your purpose and if anything go harder. Cheers

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man!

[–]AncientDragons0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Take her out twice a month for awhile and see if she’s happier. Live a little.

[–]PureFlames0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

In general TRP principles are for plates or short relationships, not really long term relationships. I feel like many people here havnt been in a relationship for 3 years so dont realize this

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Some principles do transcend though. I don’t think I would be at 3 years if it wasn’t for RP.

[–]comcain0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I disagree. Flowers are good stuff. I buy them for friends, plates, lovers, whatever. They make girl's eyes light up in a good way.

Cheers

[–]crimson_capsule0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Evaluate your situation. The sex you get, is it always the same positions, for the same amount of time, in the same places? Then take her on a walk and fuck her in the woods. Bend her over your project car and go to town. Go for a drive and fuck her overlooking some mountains. Tell her to blow you after getting groceries in the parking lot. Make things thrilling for YOU and her.

She's starting fights and drama? That's because you aren't. Control the fights and drama and start it on your own. Women need the drama and she's not getting it so she's starting it with you. You have to do it in a controlled and planned manner and if you don't know how then just start with more playful teasing. Ride her ass about something that annoys you but in a harmless way. Once it starts to get to an emotional point for her, walk away. Yeah you might have to sleep on the couch or some shit but accept it knowing that you won't have to put up with her random bullshit arguments. She will get over it.

[–]seducter0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

From my experience and all my friends, this is standard. There’s always some underlying thought that, even when you’ve assured her there’s no issue, it will build into her mind until it rips you both apart. For me, it was marriage. She wouldn’t stop with the fights over getting married because she was insecure about all her friends being married and wanted all my time. Even after I stupidly assured her we’d be getting married, she doubled down on when etc. She ended up crossing a line and I ended it. It’s a shame they let their insecurities destroy their relationships.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you think this is a recent phenomenon due to social stigmas or have women always been wired for self destruction like this?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She is just bored. 99 percent of women problems are due to them being bored. Of guys like you who think so great of themselves. Do not be offended though. It just what it is. She's bored of the life with you most likely. She isn't having fun. You have fun she's not. You get sex, she wants tingles. Show her tingles.

[–]when_its_too_late0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look up the book, the 5 love languages

[–]FightForYourWay-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hold the fuck up... does anyone else see whats going on here? you’re a reasonably happy young man but this post mostly talks about how she feels, she feels, she feels.

Dude... fuck that! You’re doing great. She’s still around, she’s pressuring you because you let her, but you can fix that with a definitive moment when you explain to her that her behavior is from that point on.. unacceptable! (Then throw her a bone after).

It seems like You get to do what you love and bang her on command - for some reason whenever women see they’re giving up this combo they typically try to infuse some drama.

Moving forward, it seems like you don’t give her enough homework. She seems a bit too comfortable bothering you. You don’t request enough out of her, you get me? You’re not holding her accountable for becoming a better person, and shes getting bored (making her abusive).

[–]_-resonance-_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Bingo was his name-o. (This 👆🏼)

[–]WIA20XX-1 points0 points  (8 children) | Copy

3 years? Stop being dense.

If she ain't the one, cut her loose.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

If she ain't the one, cut her loose.

This isn't "Highlander" and there is no "the One."

[–]WIA20XX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

He is already living with her. Already broke the rules.

He's pretending not to be in a committed long term relationship. He's pretending to be in the RP mindset. His actions are aligning with a blue pill state of mind.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I know, but I have to work with what he gave us.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I’m not getting married.

[–]WIA20XX1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

That's cool, but she's looking for commitment.
You can't not see that.

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I do see it. We’ve talked about it. I told her I will remain committed to her as long as she reciprocates the same.

[–]WIA20XX2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

From what you've written about the situation, she's putting in far more than you are.

So ask yourself if you're reciprocating.

To me, it doesn't look like you are. To me, you're getting everything you want out of it.

And that's fine, but a chick saying that she's feeling neglected is part of price for putting yourself first. (and if you put her first, she'll eventually take it for granted...)

But only you know the answer.

But to take it to the next level, maybe you're gonna schedule more date nights or whatever form of comfort you think is necessary - she's still going to want more, no matter what verbiage she's agreed to.

This is not a problem that's going to get fixed with a tweak here or there. This isn't a plate, you're calling it an LTR

[–]isthatsuperman[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Like I said it’s a fine balance that has to be maintained and it’s proving to be difficult for me. Lol

I’ve realized I can probably do more so I’ll work on it going forward.

[–]AngTheEphemeral-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure to what degree the first part of this video applies to your situation, but on the off chance it helps, here goes. This video talks about "amount of communication", not exactly what you're asking about / I think it might conceptually apply, but I'm not sure:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3tCGE6Y2Og



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