This might be a long post, but I just want to get all this out. A lot of these things are things I've never spoken about to people who know me.

At this point, I'm sick. I'm just so sick. Can I just ask any of you, is there hope? Do ANY men truly respect us? Cause I just don't think any man does anymore.

Pretty much every experience with men I've had has been horrible. I'm so angry, hurt and sick. When I was young (age 8 till 17), a male family member sexually assaulted me multiple times. This went on for years.

Next, when I was younger I was not attractive at all, in school all I cared about was studying. So all straight boys who knew me treated me like shit. Surprise surprise.

So since then I've had a quite a few relationships, and I am so done with it all. I wish I wasn't attracted to men. Is there any hope for respectful relationships?

My first ex was ok. He really liked me a lot. Except I was a lot better off financially, so he used to 'forget his card' and guilt me into paying basically every time we went out. He also used to complain if I didn't shave/wear makeup. For valentines day I spent so much money on him (over £200, yeah I was new to dating and blinded by it all I guess. I really wanted to please him) I got him a limited edition xbox controller which he smashed up in a rage and then wouldn't admit to. (I heard him smash it on an xbox party). He got me nothing at all (presents were his idea). I don't actually care about being bought stuff but this just pissed me off. I can't believe I put up with him for 6 months. Then I left him.

Next ex was manipulative and destroyed a lot of my (already bad) mental health. He guilted me into going out with him (I didn't want a bf but he kept pestering me to 'give it a go' and insisting he loved me.) So we went out, he used to try and wind me up on purpose with woman jokes and laugh in my face or call me sensitive. Also he would comment on my clothes or makeup if it 'didn't look particularly hot'. As well as this he was a porn addict and every time I confronted him I was 'crazy' and needed to get over it. (He used to wank in work for gods sake). On top of this when I left him he wouldn't leave me alone, harassed me and told me that my deceased mother and grandmother would be ashamed of me (and that I was a bitch, slut all that how good). He also sent revealing photos of me (not public) to other girls he was trying to get with to mess with me, and hijacked my at the time tinder profile by making a fake account and super liking any guy I added on facebook. So obviously 99% of guys went for the catfish cause he'd made this fake profile of a very nice looking woman and would send them fake nudes also.

Next ex was on drugs, tried to get me on drugs, messaged girls constantly on instagram, sending them dick pics and stuff. I was suspicious of this and accused him. He said I was crazy and paranoid. One day I convinced him to show me his phone if he was so innocent and low and behold he had messages he 'couldnt even remember sending'. It broke me. All that about me being crazy I had started to believe. He also ended up living with me as he'd been left with no home. I said as long as he split bills 50/50 that would be fine. He didnt pay for anything in a year. I left him eventually. He also was following girls on instagram of as young as fucking 13 (he was about 23 at the time) i felt sick at this and left him. (Also another past ex confessed he'd watched and seeked out fucking child porn and ANOTHER ex once told me he'd sleep with a 15 year old!! (That ex was in his 30s for gods sake))

Im just sick. I've also in the past been threatened by men much bigger than me, literal death threats in person, in my face, I've had men threaten to kill themselves if I didn't send them nudes... there's so many manipulative horrible men that I actually am considering never dating one ever again. I'm sick of it.

I've been in an exs house and have him grab on to me and not let me leave. I've had exs try to manipulate me into having sex/filming us having sex/sending nudes, you name it. I just think I've lost faith. I've had men shout in my face, threaten to break every bone in my body or destroy my house.

Another guy at work I liked for a bit and he would message me all the time, and then ignore me if I suggested a date. Then I got a new nice co worker who he joked looked twelve. Then guess what he starts messaging her, and when she ignored him he went back to messaging me!! And now I've rejected him people at work have given me backlash!!

Its clear what I want to do now and I have subreddits like these to thank for it. So thank you for being here cause I would have surely gone crazy if I hadn't found any people like minded to me. I want to learn self defence, get extremely fit, and I want to not give a shit about what men think of me any more. Its just so embedded in our culture to 'impress men' or 'be good to men' and honestly I have more fun with my good female friends and I might just give up on dating for the time being. I doubt by now if it's worth pursuing anymore now anyway.

I'm just glad I've realised I can't be treated like this anymore. I was pandering to men too much. Looking back I actually can't believe I put up with all this.