I've been dying to share this somewhere, and it has been bottling up inside of me.

Please keep this preface in mind before proceeding to my verbal vomit about the time I gave an LVM more chances than I should have for the sake of cultural/societal pressures.

Having lived in a smaller town, the access to folks of the "same background" my parents want for me was next to none. What does one do? Hop online. Prior to this, I had not ever really dated.

No one wanted to do the LDR thing except this one guy. I thought "okay, I've been on here for months without a single hit" because now I know how low effort a lot of men are. We were also on the same page about dating with the end-goal of marriage.

We proceed to FaceTime a couple times before agreeing to meet. During the first FT, he compliments me on my appearance and then goes on to almost immediately tell me a story about when his boss's wife wanted to have a threesome with him. Of all things to talk about on a first "date", he chooses this. Then at some point during the same FT (or the second FT), he tells me he's into choking and that it's hard for him to find a south Asian girl who is also in it. Being the pickmeisha and unknown to the fact that he likely had a cumbrain, I reassured him that the threesome and this choking thing is something I wouldn't mind doing for my beloved partner down the line. Meanwhile, I was starting to feel let-down that this man, who is supposedly looking for a wife, isn't making a effort to get to know my ideologies, interests, and background like I try to with everyone I meet, let alone a potential life partner.

We meet "half" way in a big city between our two cities. This was 5 hours away from me and 2 hours away from him. When we're finally face-to-face, he's delighted that I look better than my photos. However, I'm disappointed again because he literally looked like a Mr. Bean and had a genetic double-chin despite being pretty slender.

For the sake of showing my family that, as a 28 YO, I was at least trying, we met up a few more times. My opinion of him didn't heighten throughout the evening because our conversations were always stale.

It became clear that he wasn't interested in getting to discover me, as an individual, but just wanted a wife. Any woman, really. His family was apparently also "threatening" to take him to their homeland and finally get him married off, but this also made me feel like an option and not someone's #1 choice. Other things that didn't well with me:

1) Having the audacity to pull my hair while I reluctantly forced myself to make out with him on our second date. Remember that by now I was not only put off by some of his words/actions but wasn't even attracted to him (not that hair-pulling is okay otherwise).

2) On our first date, telling me, "We're going to have 3 kids" to which I reacted by nervously responding, "Haha wow you're talking about kids on our first date. Alright, well I can imagine myself with 2 max," to which he replies "That's okay. We'll have our third one as a "mistake"." Also insinuating that I wasn't seriously marriage-minded if I found his comment uncomfortable.

3) Replying, "Idk about the dress, but the model is hot," when asked for his opinion on a dress I was considering buying.

4) Telling me about the pressure for a wedding from his family every 4-5 weeks. This started about 1.5 months in. I know pressures within this community get intense from immediate+extended family members, but I said a good year is needed to decide. Again, he implied I wasn't marriage-minded because I wasn't comfortable with his timeline.

5) Weirdly obsessing over his teenage niece.

6) Telling me things he thought were compliments (all appearance-based) but I perceived as an insight into his 2-dimensional psyche. Some weird focus on me having only 1, not 2, south Asian parents because I look mixed with white.

7) Said he didn't want me pursuing a professional route like med school but would, rather, I follow him around on his business trips like a little puppy.

8) Didn't plan anything for my birthday meet-up. This was 5 months in now. Said "We'll just decide when we meet up." I ended up planning a night at the opera with my own money because I wanted to do something fun with the guy I was seeing, cot dammit. He felt bad and paid me back his half, but I was still irked that I had to plan it. Otherwise, we would have been wondering around looking for things to do if it were left to his accord.

9) I gifted him something thoughtful and nice for his birthday. He said I should not have because I was implying I want expensive gifts in the future, too.

10) The straw that broke the camel's back: 6 months in, he didn't talk to me for 2 days after I said that, despite being one for fighting through issues in a marriage, abuse of any sort would be grounds for divorce. No, he wasn't upset that I would ever think of him in that light. He was upset that I would even bring up divorce (taboo topic in that community). A husband is someone who protects the well-being of his wife - not kowtow to outside influences.

Sadly, I had surmised that this man (and his family - as in-laws often gang up on DILs) could possibly abuse me because I would just fill the role of a wife and baby-making machine. My desires as a human being would be disregarded. It could yield domestic and emotional abuse like often seen in that community - and all for what? Because I don't want to sacrifice my entire individuality like a lot of the girls? No. Despite being a third generation guy and [superficially] progressive, he embodied the tell-tale signs of a typical, south Asian man who indulged in all the grotesque privileges men from that culture often exhibit. Think the misogyny and patriarchy we experience in the western world but multiplied by 10.

Total Pickmeisha? Yes.

However, you really have to understand the context to know why I immediately identified all the red flags and willingly looked passed them. Before this, my mother would literally act like it's her death that I'm not married, yet, was the catalyst to why I ignored it all until it was unbearable.

It has been 1.5 years since I ended it, and I'm still scarred that I gave such an LVM the time of day because I think I deserve so much more than what he offered.

Thank you for reading. <3