I’ve been back and forth w dis mans for the last three years, each time we broke up bc of the same issue: pressure. Any time I’m in a relationship, whatever expectations I have for the other person I put doubly so on myself. So it’d go like this: when we dated, I made myself smaller, acted needy, constantly seeking confirmation he loved me. When we were broken up and just fucking, the filter would come down and we’d have the best fucking time (and sex) just hanging out NO PRESSURE. so I’m sitting there last night wondering where the fuck is my brain leaking from as we discuss possibly getting back together after a solid two months of just nurturing our friendship.
And thats when it hit me - just because I’m dating someone, does nOT mean they hold the keys to my self-esteem. Just bc I care what he thinks does not mean his approval is the ONLY one I care about. if I’m just doin me, I shouldn’t need anyone’s permission! I know that seems obvious out loud but repeating it to myself and reflecting some more I realized that’s exactly how I had been carrying on in relationships my whole life. Start dating, ok now my ego is completely in your hands so if you hurt me even a little I will never get over it, also obviously I need to show you I love you 24/7 or else you’ll feel hurt too.
Like?? No????
Now that I see it so clearly I can’t stop smiling at how much of a life hack it is. it’s so much easier to tell that insecure part of my brain to shut up bc I know what it’s tryna do now. I know I have a long road toward self-acceptance but this realization feels like a big step. My self-esteem is mine, and no matter how I feel I stay respecting myself first, always. 🥳🥳
EDIT: he cheated the day after I wrote this. Loving dumbasses sucks.
