Known girl for 10 years...lost contact for past 5 but reconnected earlier this year

Always amazing chemistry between us and Always was in love with her but due to the situation at the time we were strictly friends. She was/is the standard to which I always hold women

Once we got back in touch I realized I still wanted to be with her and I was developing Oneitis bad

Told her straight up how I felt. That I love her madly and if I cant be with her then I cant have her in my life. Which is tricky because she is a close family friend and will always be around but I didnt want to beat around the bush

She was very into it and we decide we are gunna try and make it work

Everything was going great. She was chasing me. Texting me I miss yous and calling. Always wanting to hang out. typically im Alpha in person but I can tend to be Beta via text so im sure I gave off that vibe more than I shouldve

Then she starts to pull away a little becoming a bit flakey but she lets me know she just has alot of issues she is dealing with and she still wants to hang but needs to focus on herself.

Meanwhile I have a bunch of issues I SHOULD be dealing with but theres alot of things going on in my family life and I felt like i was drowning. Hanging with her is my escape from that so I keep pushing to hang.

She flakes on hanging once again and I lose it. I get mad and insult her and tell her to leave me alone. That I was doing everything to show her I want to be with her and shes playing me. She tells me im insecure and if I didnt act like such a fucking idiot she woulda considered.

Then I go full Beta and wrote her a letter. Yup a gay letter where I try apologize for being rude to her but also try to explain why ive been confused and why I got mad. I tell her all the dumb shit I shouldnt like shes the only woman ill ever love and even if she doesnt want a relationship now that i want a chance to show her im the guy when she does want one. Also told her if she didnt have feelings for me anymore then dont even bother responding...and of course she didnt.

At the time I thought she was crazy for thinking I was insecure. I really believed I was just confused and upset that I was putting myself out there and it wasnt being reciprocated. In hindsight I can see how scared I was to get hurt and how I was using her as an escape for all the stress of my problems and family issues. Unfortunately I only realized that after the damage was done.

Maintained NC for the most part save for 1 text that was strictly to inform her of a health incident with one of my family members. Only reached out because I thought she could help. Just 1 text tho and although she did respond it was just to thank me for letting her know.

So now im quite deep in oneitis and all i really want is to be able to explain to her what ive come to realize about how all the things around me were affecting my behavior. Though I know it wont do anything good for the situation really. So I dont.

Plan now is to go monk mode. I already had plans to put in my notice at work and cash out my 401k so im taking the next several months to focus on myself. Get my personal trainer cert and really work on self improvement. Tho im doing this for me as its something ive needed to do for a long time this whole situation with her is certainly the catalyst.

However in the back of my head I know that no amount of time or pussy is going to get her out of my mind. Ive been dating and banging girls since but its MEH and im really just going through the motions. The previous 10 years I dated and fucked plenty girls but she was always in my mind so I just dont see how any more time is going to fix that. Sure there are plenty of women out there but I really have yet to find one like her and ive looked HARD. I know what I want and its her

At this point im kinda hoping tho that with enough time apart we can reconnect down the line. I know what you will all say and youre likely right but honestly Id rather be rejected by her 1000 times then succeed with 1000 girls I care about half as much.

Do you guys think there is any route that can be taken in the future to fix this situation?

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EDIT- I tried to post this a week ago but since I didnt have enough karma I was unable. Reading it back today makes me sick. It serves me no purpose to post it as I already know the answer to what im asking but maybe it will help someone else who is in my shoes. Being a beta bitch that has no self control is the quickest way to fail with any woman. Do NOT get attached to any woman....feelings turn men into fools.

Hopefully someone who MIGHT do any of the things I did, reads this BEFORE actually doing them.

DONT BE ME!

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