Introduction

I have seen a lot of posts about self-confidence and how to boost it. While most posts go in the right direction and advise things that will work, no post I've seen so far actually explains the science behind self-confidence.

Note: The ones of you that know Jordan Peterson and have read his "12 Rules For Life" will recognize a lot of things I talk about here.

Body

Lobsters

Lobsters are interesting creatures. They live in "houses", which are basically little caves. Some caves are better than others, because they're bigger, better protected etc. Because of this, lobsters often fight each other. The winning lobster will get the cave, and the other lobster will retreat. When a lobster loses a fight, something interesting happens: his serotonin levels decrease. Because of this, the lobster will literally hunch over more, making himself smaller, so others won't attack him. It's also more likely, that he will not fight another lobsters. If you give a lobster, that has lost a fight, some anti-depressants (which basically increase the serotonin in his system), he will go right back and fight the other lobster again with more confidence. His body posture will also change, he will go more upright.

Lobsters live in dominance hierarchies. They know exactly where in the hierarchy they are. The lower a lobster is, the more nervous he is. He is more anxious, he turns down fights, he walks with a more defensive posture, he doesn't even try to attract the ladies, he becomes literally depressed. Because he is low in the hierarchy, he doesn't have a nice, secure home. He also knows that the "alpha lobsters" will fight him for everything he has, if they want to have it. Because of that he is constantly nervous and insecure, because he could lose everything he has in a blink of an eye, and he couldn't do anything against it.

Lobsters that are higher up in the hierarchy feel secure. They know that they will win fights, so they know they can defend their home. The lady lobsters see the nice homes they have, and will choose to pair with them. So the alpha lobsters don't even need to try to attract the females. They feel self-confident. Literally.

Humans

You will already have realized some parallels between lobsters and us humans. But why did we choose lobsters to observe those tendencies? Because lobster brains are very similar to ours, but massively more simple. The neurons are very big, so they're easy to map out and examine.

The problem with the analogy is this; men don't fight each other anymore for their stuff and for their place in the dominance hierarchy. That's why we have developed a pretty smart system in our brains, that constantly scans how other people treat us, and then decides where in the hierarchy we currently are. If other people treat you nicely, respect your words, ask for your opinion, don't insult you etc., your brain will begin to think "I must be pretty high in the hierarchy here". If other people walk over you and generally don't care about your existence, you will think, that you're low in the hierarchy (because you are).

This becomes a downward/upward spiral. When you're high in the hierarchy, you will (unconsciously) walk more upright, be braver, more assertive... Because you feel strong. The primitive part of your brain knows, that if someone were to fight you, you would defeat them. This in turn means, that other people will treat you even better, women will love you, you will not have to do anything for female attention, thus rising your status even more. You will more likely be able to withstand temptations like drugs and other short term gratifications, because you feel save, you will plan for your future, because why not?

When you're low in the hierarchy, the opposite happens. You will walk more and more hunched over, trying to seem small. You will be afraid of social interactions, because your brain tells you, that other people could attack you at any time, and they would also win. You will not speak up for yourself, you will live more and more in the NOW, because maybe you will be dead tomorrow, because someone very strong decided to fight you. You will be more susceptible to instant gratification, making everything even worse.

When you're on the lower end, you won't get attacked currently by other men, because we have evolved as a species. But the primitive part of your brain will still expect it all the time. This is a very stressful situation.

Now what could a low-hierarchy men do? Well obviously you need to raise your perceived status. And that's where the other posts get many things right. If you go to the gym to get ripped and start walking more upright, other people will treat you with more respect. This means, that your brain will tell you "hey look, they treat you nicer, this means you're climbing the hierarchy".

What will also help? Stability. Remember, a low-hierarchy lobster will live in a constant state of fear and uncertainty. He is very unstable, because not even his little, pathetic cave is save. Nowadays you won't get attacked, and you won't lose all of your belongings when you're on the low end. This means this fear is irrational (more or less). If you build yourself some stability in your life, you will inevitably feel higher in the hierarchy. What kind of stability? Any. Literally any. Get in the habit of getting up on the first alarm in the morning. Make your bed directly after getting up. Do this every morning. You will begin to feel more stable. Develop micro-routines. Get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time, eat more or less at the same time, choose a day a week to clean your room/apartment, track your macros, brush your teeth 3 times a day... Anything. Those are all things you can start doing TODAY. You don't need anything you don't already have.

These things may seem mundane, not-that-important, boring. But they are incredibly important and powerful.

Climb the dominance-hierarchy. Trick your brain into being more self-confident. Become an alpha lobster.

Lessons learned

  • Serotonin regulates your position in the hierarchy. And vice-versa
  • Betas are unstable, alphas are stable
  • Self-confidence = stability
  • Regular micro-routines are incredibly powerful