My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and we're happy, albeit for a fight that resurfaces about once every month. At first I thought it was different fights about different things, but as time went on and we repeated the same cycle, it became clear that it was a hydra; One problem with many different heads. Let me show you how I experienced it in the hope that there are kindred souls out there:

He would get frustrated about us being out of shape, and he'd want us to get into a mutual gym routine. I would be so excited and enthusiastic about it. I would research different workouts and gear, I subscribed to all these fitness gurus, I came up with a plan, I remember I was SO excited about the idea of being more in shape. We even did a couple of halfhearted workouts together. But with every passing day, our vision would slowly fall apart, and before long we were back to our old routine. Then the fight would come. He would be mad at me for not keeping it up, I felt like I was being punished for no reason. It just became a sore spot and we dropped it and moved on.

He would get frustrated about us not saving money, and he'd start pushing for a stricter budget. I would get so enthusiastic, I did all this research, found all these resources. We stuck to it, for a while. But then like the tide it slowly drifted out, and we were back where we started. Then the same fight, he was mad I didn't keep it up, I felt victimized over nothing. Same pattern, different head.

Rinse and repeat for diets, getting a pet, cleaning the house, moving to a new place, decorating, even setting up dates. Sometimes we were more successful at keeping it up, other times it blew up within a week. It would always start the same way and end the same way. It starts with him being frustrated enough to demand change, and it ends with a fight were he felt like I let him down, and I felt like I was been punished for no reason.

We're approaching our timeline for having kids now, and I felt the same old monster rising up. That's when I hit the brakes. It's one thing when this messes up our lives, but i'll be damned if we do this with a kid. He felt the same way. We started talking about it in broad objective terms. We had a rule were we would talk about it like it was another couple and not us. It made it easier to keep a level head and it felt kind of fun, like we were gossiping about someone else, but doing therapy at the same time.

The breakthroughs we had were awesome, and could honestly fill a few posts, but the big takeaway from our talks and what stuck with me the most was "am I being good, or am I just submissive to him being good?". That really changed how I viewed my role in the relationship.

Being a good woman is not fundamentally defined by submission to a good man. It's about you leading your own improvement, under the umbrella of your husband's leadership. Because I was taking my cues from my captain, I saw I was only "allowing" myself to improve at something when he became frustrated enough to demand it. I always knew what I needed to do to improve, but I couldn't make it happen unless he was mad first. Then when he became happy again, I felt like the pressure was off and the drive wasn't necessary anymore, and then it all slowly lost steam. He was mad because I wasn't pushing for it, I was hurt because I felt like I was simply following him and he lead us to a fight.

I'm not saying everything is fixed (don't think perfection really is possible), btt i do feel like our relationship has entered a new, better chapter. I would love to hear what you ladies think about this type of problem, especially if any of you have run into it too. Thank you so much, and thank you for reading!