Tldr; I'm a bitch looking for attention right now. Told you about my story. 20 y.o.

I don't really know where to start or what to talk about. I just know that I want to change.

(Some background info: My grandfather was my role model for what a man should be like. He had a hard life. He was a Gangster living in Berlin. I loved him beyond everything. He always made me smile, every girl and child around him was just energized. He died when I was 9. I was an athlete and won a competition, I wanted to tell him. When I did he took away his ventilator to talk to me. He was dead a couple of hours later.)

I have a pretty high IQ but for the last couple of years it had made me dumber than most people you probably know.

I have 0 funny humor left inside me. Just some synicism and self sabotage.

I had a pretty great life when I was a child. Even with my illness (severe haemophilia) I used to be the most athletic dude in my village. I broke a shitton of records in different sports and would've had a professional career. At that point I was acting red pilled.

Unfortunately I pretty much cant run since I'm 15. Back then I got into a lot of fights and also fucked a solid amount of girls. However I thought with my mentality I wouldn't make it to my 25th birthday. So I started to smoke weed.

It kept me calm and bettered my mood. When I was 16 something changed. I had always lived in accordance to what I believed in. My grandfather taught me that- I really never was a bitch. But I began to believe I was and I started to tranform.

I learned about the IWF and bad things that are going on in this world. For some reason I thought this was the most important thing going on in this world. Before that I was lucky. What I was and what I cared about were the right things. That's why I came along well with the people I wanted to. After that everything changed.

I usually talked about stuff that I was really about. Since I now was about shaping the world to the best of my ability in a way I thought would be best for us - I just stopped talking pretty much. I knew nobody wanted to hear about that. Back then I still had some humor tho.

I became depressed and rich. I learned like a maniac. When I was 17 I had 120 000€ and completely lost my mind. I was overwhelmed with pain and didn't fuck girls anymore.

I was really mental. I laughed because I was feeling so bad. I laughed instead of taking my life. I lost my believe in my friends. I knew I wasn't ready and because I was so retarded I kinda purposefully lost most of my money...

At that point I was a pretty manly bitch. Nothing worse than that...

From then on I didn't bang any girl for 2 years. They still liked me tho. Because they kinda knew about me.

After losing my mind I never again felt like I could think properly. I couldn't carry out my plans in a satifying way. That fucked with my head even more. Now I had just 1 friend (yeah I know I'm lucky for that), no girls and no cool achievments (in my mind).

I felt like I couldn't fuck the girls I wanted to by that point. I decided I'd fuck a HB7.6 . I did it the blue pilled way. Fucked her probably a thousand times. We both had fun and she was completely crazy (/"in love") about me. ( I guess that's what has to happen. I have winner genes and by that point no humor. She has to hamster herself into liking me). I didn't have any rotation, didn't fuck hotter ones even if I could. I didn't want to do that to my HB7.6 (she really was a great girl).

A couple of months after getting to know her I found the Redpill.

I decided I have to change. I moved from my small village to Berlin. I somehow felt at home here. But I was exposed to all my faults now.

I didn't have any friends for the first 2 months. Everything I talk about is kinda serious. I let people tell me about the bullshit/fun that's going on in there lifes.

Then I fucked a model bitch but got problems with my hip. (They were building up beforehand) I wasn't able to walk for the next 2 months. I went from being an inferno, to a fire, to a glowing and now even the glowing almost lost it's heat.

For 2 months I can walk again and am on nofap. Finally found friends I vibe well with. (They are mostly G's tho...) . I think my life is going in a better direction now. They also sincerely want to help me. I feel better. I don't have girls yet tho. I still lack humor and stuff to talk about. I am tense. Even with my extremely open mindset I somehow manage to not be aloof at all.

I really try to have fun and wanna be able to show emotions in the right way. However the strongest ones right now are anger and sadness. I usually try my best to surpress them. I think when I let them out in this environment I might fuck up reaaaallly bad.

I don't want to carry my baggage right now. I'm thinking about creating a character for myself to have fun again. That sounds kinda mental tho...

I really haven't decided yet. I might also try the "normal" way and stabalize my life a little bit more. But I think I'd stay boring that way. Girls sometimes hit on me but I'm just a retard and don't do shit or fuck it up.

I'm also thinking about nuking my head with LSD to get rid of my walls and lack of humor. However that might backfire.

Some general life shit I'm thinking about. Should I escape my problems and go on a cure. I could focus on bettering my physical health that way. I'd also get away from drugs ( I reduced it to smoking weed every 2 weeks. However I began to smoke and now I'm also drinking a little. Took chems one time last month). However I couldn't make friends that way and won't find girls or my humor. Neither would I be able to work.

Another option is I focus on making quick money. That could be a little harsh on my body. But I'd feel better mentally could make friends and might find my humor.

Idk guys my mind is exploding. I might start making videos or something to get rid of all those thoughts. But I really don't know if that's the right way. I have shit to do. Sorting myself out can be a byproduct of achieving stuff.

I know my life is going to be fucking awesome. I'm smart and really good looking. I just lost my balls. They were really big. It's not going to be easy to reattach them.

My next post is going to be a fun one.

Peace