I have to write about this, it’s driving me fucking crazy. I went through a period at the start of my relationship believing that my partner had BPD, however, after we split and passionately got back together, the notion of it seemed to slip under the carpet. Admittedly things got a lot better after that event, we still had fights but handled them differently. There was less volatility and then we fell in love. There was the obvious honeymoon period but as we slowly started to progress into a winter and a second lockdown, things started to take a turn.

We started spending more and more time together, we had two dogs that were fighting, we were fighting and yet we were still there trying to plan our escape to her home town.

This all came to a massive head the night before last, we went to a neighbor’s house and got into a discussion about Trump and the election, her and I disagree on the topic and this caused a small heated disagreement at the neighbours place, we left instantly and she asked me not to stay with her, so I went home.

I am in trouble economically, on an extreme level and this is mostly due to rolling lockdowns that have almost shut down my business. I have been in this struggle for 4 months and it remains difficult. In recent weeks, on top of the stress of trying to survive, I have to handle her emotional distress and rollercoaster. I understand things are difficult for her, her entire world has stopped as she comes from a background of techno clubs. But I find myself constantly walking on egg shells when I am myself a shell of a man right now.

After the disagreement, I went home and decided I needed to take some time to fix my own mess. I needed space. As soon as I told her, I turned my phone off. Big mistake!

I woke up to about 100 messages of abuse, I didn’t even read most of it. I said nothing, it was Monday, I had been sick for 2 weeks so that was two weeks not running campaigns that I had to catch up on. It was the first day in 2 weeks that I could start again, she knew this but it didn’t stop her, she started a five hour barrage of abuse. She started sending me pictures of an Instagram model from my profile, whose picture I liked..I’m in Berlin, I think that model is in Mexico or something.

From then the fighting started, hundreds of messages of abuse, she touched on topics that I have never told anyone and she used them as weapons against me. I ended up ending things, I know it was in a moment of irrationality but the way she just created a situation out of nothing confirmed to me that while I’m experiencing what I am right now, I need a rock, I don’t need someone who can so easily create realities that don’t exist and then flip so easily. Ok, I have a bad mouth too but not that level. Things I would never dream of saying to anyone.

She went for hours, I’m mentally exhausted, I literally still can’t get my head around what has just happened and why she has exploded like that. Of course she threw in the final nail - “I’m just going to fuck someone else”

I’m not sad, well I am a little but that’s the reality right now anyway so where is the difference, I feel slight weight lifted as I know a lot of time was wasted on her emotional outbursts, but more than anything, I’m just confused. Nothing happened, nothing at all, I just needed space to fix my mess and now everything has happened, within 24 hours, utterly mind-blowing.

Anyway, I just had to get the absurdity of the past day out, it’s been exhausting but I think I have done the right thing.