How to detach Money, Looks, status from dating and life? How do exredpillers become like the average guy that are able to date?

Growing up for me the mindset has always been more money, looks, status and just overall being successful. The more of these I have in life the better I am and the happier I will be and the more successful at dating I will be. My family, friends and asian culture reinforced this heavily. 90%+ of the interactions I've ever had in my life were because someone wanted something from me (I.e. Money, Homework, join their sports team etc).

So everything in my life set me up for this sort of hpersucess focused mindset. However when it comes to dating its not been that helpful surprisingly. I wasted university years because I thought I wasn't good enough with not having enough money or wasn't the best looking. I didn't even bother trying to do anything.

Looking back its painful to think about how stupid I was and how I ignored the hundreds of guys worse looking then me and being just as broke as me do well dating. And I dont want to repeat the same mistake going forward but I dont know how. And at the same time, in all honesty, deep down I kind of do want more looks, money, status and everything else. If 90%+ of interactions I've ever had were transactional that means, that if I had ignored chasing success I would essentially be the same loser except fatter/uglier, more broke and with less people wanting to talk to him and less women wanting to date him cause he's fat/ugly, broke and doesn't have any status. I just dont see how LMS can be detached and how the vast majority of average guys who weren't exceptionally good looking, dont go to the gym, didn't have jobs as college kids were able to do ok dating. Its honestly beyond my comprehension how they do it but I want to learn how.

I have some theories about this where I've been trying to make sense of it about how the average guy is able to do so well. Tell me if I'm accurate:

Race. Looking at my own uni, overwhelmingly white guys were the ones did well dating. Also there was a bit of a Halo effect from what I saw. A white engineering nerd was perceived better then an Indian or Asian engineering nerd. Even in media the Indian and Asian guy was seen as a goofy punching bag and so the "average" of these races is essentially a loser by "normal" standards which is how and why these average dudes that were able to date successfully were overwhelmingly white and the ones that weren't were overwhelmingly Asian and Indian.
Niche Culture. Most average people try to fit in into a niche subculture. Be it around their ethnic group, hobbies, politics and interests or whatever and they go all in. The "political guy" lives and breathes politics and that's mostly what he ever talks about. And if you spend that much time on anything you become good at it and I guess thats a huge status boost. If its also the right hobby it puts you around more women too so I guess the "average" guy usually has an in like that.
Being well socialized and having good social circles. This is the biggest one. I think for the average person, 90% of their interactions with people aren't transactional. They grow up well adjusted in society, they become socially aware of trends and "normal" behaviors around them and they are able to emulate that and have the right personality. This makes them more accepted everywhere and they don't have to think about things as its very ingrained and natural. This is very different to the guys on Red pill and what not behave where they think about every move and hyper success focused mindset similar to the one I have.
Above 3 combined all give more oppurtunities around women for the average guy. For myself I meet 1 woman every 2 months or so. I think that's cause I fail at the above 3. I think not being white, not being part of a niche subculture and having the status boost of that and most of all not being properly socialized since childhood makes it so you just dont have that many interactions with women organically ever.

That's my observation anyways of what I think the average guy has that people like myself or "redpill" people lack and why they hyper focus on LMS and success.

Is there anything that exredpiller can do to change this and be like the average guy?

[–]deedee23441 point2 points3 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

You're still attaching dateability to everything but your authentic self. What most people, and especially redpill'ers, don't understand is that dating is about genuine self-confidence, which comes from within, from self-love, groundedness and authenticity. Not so much externals, like money or even looks, as much as we think it does.

People are focused on anything and everything external - except the one thing that they can actually control and focus on: themselves. And I'm not talking about working out, eating better, etc., although all of those can help support. I'm talking about: Who are you truly?... What makes you uniquely you?... Do you accept yourself as you truly are?... Do you appreciate things about yourself and what are they?... Are you truly comfortable as yourself?... What do you love about yourself?... What makes you happy?... How do you want to share that with others?... What are you passionate about?... What is your purpose in this world?... Do you love your life?... Can you love yourself just as you are - without any attachment based on race, money, status, schooling, intelligence, haves/havenots, etc?... How do you impact others?... How do you want to make others feel?... It's all about energy. The way that we can intuitively feel that someone is insecure or arrogant, kind or self-centered, genuine or fake, etc. The way that we can tell an actor is good or shit. That energy comes from within, oftentimes unbeknownst to us.

You're still trying to change yourself to "be like the average guy." We don't need more people trying to be someone they're not.

Instead of focusing on external things, place your focus internally. Focus on truly loving yourself (your true self) and loving your life. Call this personal or spiritual development. I can feel where you're at, as someone who as gone through it. It will take time.

But focus on cultivating your inner world and I guarantee that will put you leaps and bounds beyond most people in life - in all facets.

Take this from a 30-something, former hyperachieving, Ivy-graduate Asian who has been around the block in life.

[–]preredditor[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this to an extent. Mostly when it comes to self love and authenticity. You shouldn't pretend to be someone your not and obviously being authentic helps. You should accept and be unabashedly yourself. However I think this only works for average people, Or people who dont deviate from the norm. If we talk about someone that's deviates from the norm too much in a below average way like someone who's born autistic, or not well socialized, I seriously don't see how any of this helps. You can be as authentic as ever and it won't really change a thing cause you aren't in tune with the external and you are self confident in the wrong way. Take an anime nerd or someone not socially in tune. What if he's authentically happy, self confident and loves himself the way he is? By your standard he should have an ok time dating but obviously he will struggle by virtue of that version of "himself" being unattractive in the realm of what's considered average or normal. Like even in my response to you right now I am totally self confident and genuinely believe I am more correct here then you are despite you having been around the block vs me some exredpill guy who hasn't. But that won't really change the external perception and you'll see ill get more down votes and you'll get mostly upvotes just cause your the more "in tune" guy whos been more successful dating then me. So in essence its more about self confidence + being externally well adjusted when it comes to dating as well.

So yes, your advice works for the average guy who lacks confidence but I dont think it goes far enough to be really relevant for exredpillers and relies solely on an inner focused approach. Which is 50% but not the whole thing in my opinion.

When I read this paragraph I literally answered all these questions without hesitation, but I still dont see how knowing all this helps.

I personally am extremely aware of who I am, what I like/dislike, how I want to impact others and I am extremly accepting of who I am and i do love myself for it. I have some anger and regret towards not being successful dating but I accept it and take responsibility to change. However others do not love you like that unconditionally again while my internal state effects my own self perception I dont think it changes how others perceive me. So the option is either to accept dating failure which isn't really an option at all in my opinion. Or see whats not clicking and why I am.being perceived that way and work on that so I can somehow date in the future. Like I would tell an autistic guy for example that beyond self love he needs therapy and see whats off putting about him.

I mean yes I agree this is good advice for everyone in general to love and enjoy their life regardless of circumstances and the external world. But at the same time I think one should also always be self improving and trying to get ahead in life.

But yeah thanks for the response. Really appreciate it. For some reason most people just downvoted or ignored it. I am fully aware the energy im giving off is very aggressive and toxic but that isn't my intention nor do I hate and I did it mostly cause I think what you said is only half relevant. But yeah once again thanks for replying.

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