I am 51, soon to be 52. My Dad hurt me physically over and over when I was little. I prayed that should I ever be a Dad, I would never harm my children. I was given three sons. My second son, was about 5 or 6, he and his older brother were fighting, out of control. I spanked my middle son... he went upstair to his room. I was in anguish. What was I doing? I was hitting him in anger and desperation ... in selfishness. I ran upstairs right after and threw open his door... he was in tears. I got down on one knee and told him never again. I asked his forgiveness for hitting him and told him I would make a deal with him... I would not hit him ever fucking again.... but he had to listen to me. We made a pact that day. I would keep my hands to myself... and he would listen to his Dad. All three of my sons, good men. My reason for living. I allowed just a sliver of my father to seep through. I am ashamed. I was to stop the abuse. I was the one who would say, "no more".... but for a moment I lost it. I spanked my son in anger and hurt him. I failed. Since that night, never have I had to raise my hand, 18 years ago.... never have I wanted to raise my hand. All three of my sons - chemical engineer, finance major, and electrical engineer.... men who have challenged themselves. Yet, that one night, I cannot forgive myself. I was allowed my father to seep through. To contaminate me.

I will work until my last day, even if I have to be a Walmart greeter, to provide even one more dollar of resource to my sons. I will break the wheel - god damn it I will make sure they know their worth.

If you had an abusive Dad, you too can break the cycle. Even if you slip, once as I did, you can BREAK THE WHEEL.

If you are alone, and you have no Dad, then let me say... I am proud of you, my son. I am here for you. I see you. You work.... you sacrifice. You may feel alone, but you are not alone. I am here. You make me so happy to be alive. My son.

Matthew 3:17

My son.