I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex

Even before I had sex, I just knew I loved sex. I just had this vision of myself, being sexy and provocative and like something out of a guy's fantasy. I wasn't going to wait too long. I thought the modern, open-minded way to go about it is to do whatever feels right, whenever I wanted. So I never believed in waiting much after I started liking a guy - that's what puritanical, boring girls do ! I was a cool girl. If I liked a guy, I'd fantasise about him using my body for sex whenever he pleased. Sex itself was never for my pleasure really, but theirs. That idea in itself turned me on! (That must be what got me through all the awful sex I've had for years). I always thought, this is just me ! I'm sexy, love sex, men love me yadda yadda. How special of me, naturally being just what men like, a cool girl always down for sex.

I don't know exactly when it hit me - it's not like I just had a feminist re-awakening recently or anything. I've always been a feminist, and in fact I saw my 'sexually liberated' lifestyle as part of my thought and principle. I never felt there was anything wrong with enjoying casual sex as a woman, or cared about my number of partners or felt any shame about what I did. Nor should anyone! I do advocate this as much as always. The thing is, subconsciously, I thought I was hella cool for being this way - because men thought so too. Men might've fulfilled my need for their approval, but no other need otherwise. In fact, sex was always painful or uncomfortable for me and up to this day no man even "got me there" (a easy task in my own hands!). For some reason, I lived thinking getting men off is the point of sex. Whether they were boyfriends or just flings - I can count on one hand the times I even mildly enjoyed the experience, not the thought of how much it pleased them. Somehow, ingrained in me, I carried this strange belief that women are somehow responsible for the sexual pleasure of men. I didn't have this thought in my mind itself - I'd never think or agree with this rationally, but something much deeper in me must've felt this way. I could blame it on porn or society or whatever. Really, I'm just happy I am conscious of it and now I can't really look at it all the same way again. Since I don't feel anything just by seeing men get off, I can't even watch porn anymore, let alone put that approach into practice. It's like I've taken some weird goggles off and realised that the way I over-sexualized myself benefits anyone but me really. And the whole low-key looking down on women who knew how to set boundaries for their own comfort? If anything, I should learn from them.

Anyway, I have no idea if this is relateable at all but I felt like writing it down. I definitely believe in enjoying sex when it's mutually pleasurable and there is mutual respect. Maybe one day I'll get there too - but for now, I don't think I am in fact a "cool girl always down for sex". I'm not sure if I enjoy sex or what I enjoy while at it. If I look at it clearly, despite my wide experience, I barely even know anything about it.

Edit: Oh I really did not expect to wake up to this! I would've written this much more carefully - or expansively - if I thought more than 20 people would read it haha. I am happy (well, sad) to see it's actually relateable. I hope we can all steadily realize the toxic ideas we internalised and really live life for ourselves and never put down other women so we can pander to what men think is 'cool'.