I've been reading the book The Gaslighting Effect and it really freaks me out how often I've encountered this behaviour from men. I dedicate this post to any woman, who has been a victim of gaslighting, and any woman, who is now struggling in that situation. You are strong & you deserve the world.

Are you being gaslighted?

Gaslighting can be hard to notice as first. There are many signs that are common in every victim of gaslighting. If you feel like you're second guessing your thoughts, what you saw doesn't make sense or what you heard is contradicting to what's been said to you - give it extra attention. Very often the gaslighter makes you think you are the crazy one - they may do it in a subtle way, saying "you shouldn't take it so seriously" or "I was just joking." Keep in mind, if you feel like something is "off" or you're confused, there's a reason for that. Once again, trust your gut.

If you notice yourself making excuses for the gaslighter's behaviour - think twice. No one is too busy, too tired or "fighting too many demons" to act right, give you the healthy attention you deserve or make you go insane! Lastly, if you feel like any human would in this situation, i.e. hopeless and joyless, take a look at it more closely.

Different stages and cycles of gaslighting

As we all know, nothing happens in a blink of an eye. You may start to feel like your significant other is drifting slowly away from you, keeps repeating how "busy" he is, reminds you how much he misses the times you had, but still doesn't make any effort to be with you. Very often gaslighting overlaps with the cycle of mental abuse. According to Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, the four phases entail of cycle of abuse contain:

  1. Tension building

Phase lasting weeks or months. The gaslighter might create a stressful situation where the victim begins to feel wronged, ignored or neglected. The gaslighter might do this in a hardly noticeable "Good Guy" way, like starting to ignore messages and responding extremely late because of a "busy schedule". On the other hand, the gaslighter might make it very obvious and accuse the victim of doing X or Y, creating anger and fear.

  1. Incident

In this stage, the victim does something that annoys the abuser: talking about the problem or annoying them with demanding reasons for the blurry situation. An aggressive abuser will dominate the target, whether it's verbally with neglecting they did anything wrong or physically leaving the space.

  1. Reconciliation

The abuser wants to clear up their feeling of guilt and might feel remorse, so they try to make up and "feel sorry." This can involve buying the victim gifts, flowers or promising this will never happen again. The gaslighter might also switch the subject entirely, so they are not entitled to explain themselves to the victim.

  1. Calm

The victim believes the gaslighter has changed and may even accept the apology. Everything may seem fine for a short limited period of time, but eventually this cycle of 4 steps will start repeating itself. Little by little the same behaviour reappear and the victim is again in the stage 1.

Different types of gaslighters

  1. The glamour gaslighter
  2. The good-guy gaslighter
  3. The intimidator

I'd like to focus on no. 1 and 2, which are the most dangerous ones. These are the people you never thought would become so ruthless, cold and impolite. The glamour gaslighter often makes you feel like it's just the two of you against all of the others. You're a forever couple or friends. They insist how special you are and shower you with gifts and beautiful words that sound like poems: that's the bait! When YOU have to cancel something because of a family emergency, the abuser will accuse you of not respecting your friendship.

The good-guy gaslighter will create a situation, where you don't know what's really wrong. They may seem like trying to please everyone, be super helpful and find solutions to your problems. You never really get what you want, but you don't really understand why. This type of gaslighter will mess will your head BADLY. If your connection starts to shatter because of them distancing themselves from you with endless excuses, and then telling you how they miss your presence, run for the hills. That doesn't make any sense at all - you don't miss a person if you don't even put the effort into being in their presence!

Why does the "good-guy gaslighter" act this way? They can be insecure and feel "bad" for ending things properly. They don't want to take the responsibility of your feelings and rather let YOU be the one to cut off ties and make YOU believe you're the one who wants things to end - when, in reality, it's their actions that led you to think this way.

What to do?

Realize you're everything you need. You don't need anybody to reassure you, to keep you company or to give you compliments. Don't give in to your gaslighter's manipulation. Don't try to win the gaslighter's approval. Trying to make them to admit their real intentions and/or actions is not going to work. Remove yourself from the situation. Block and delete. Remember that the gaslighter will try the "what are you talking about?" tactic, as well as "it's all my fault, I'm sorry", AND "maybe you have a point"... DO NOT. Run for the hills. Remember the 4-stage cycle I mentioned in the beginning? It will never end if you will not end it.