48 year old man here with a 48 year old wife and I've been lurking here for a while. I've read NMMNG and I'm currently working the exercises. I've also read MMSLP by Kay. I've been working out for a while now, fitness has always been important, I feel good, I'm dressing well, and my finances are in order. Wife has commented that she is noticing my fitness and likes how she can see my abs a little bit, I actually don't really see them but, whatever, she is noticing. What I am liking most about the changes I've been working on is that I am sleeping so much better because of my increased lifting and my A1C is way down... and I'm getting out with some guy friends after work every couple of weeks to and they are noticing that I am different.

Yesterday morning my wife suggested we have sex later on in the day when our two high school aged kids were going to be out of the house for the afternoon. The last time we had sex was a few days earlier and it was just a quickie, which is what she prefers when the kids are home and I ask her for sex. I agreed. When the kids left she mentioned that she wanted to finish a movie she was into, which was really just starting, but I didn't know that at the time. On top of that the movie was something from the early 90s and she had seen it before. The movie ended and she got started on something else and I mentioned to her that our time was running out before the kids would be back. No real reply came from her. Well, time ran out, the kids came home. I didn't react at all, just went about my business and talked with my kids about their day.

Last night in bed I asked her what was up and why things went down the way they did that afternoon. I'm not sure If I should have done that or not. Not sure if I was maintaining frame by asking that, but I genuinely wondering why she made the plans. I'd be interested on some feedback as to whether I should have just continued on acting as if I didn't care or if asking her what was up was me falling into old patterns, lowering my status, acting like a nice guy.

Her answer... she saw me working on my computer while she was watching the movie and she figured I was too busy to stop to go and head to the bedroom. I definitely was working on my computer, mainly because I had work to get done and I had absolutely zero interest in the movie she was watching. Mystic Pizza? To me it is clear that her mood changed regarding sex and she no longer wanted it, but I felt like she was making it my fault instead of simply taking responsibility and telling me that her mood changed.

Here's my regret. While in bed she told me that we could have sex now. I said no because I wasn't interested in her performing duty sex. Not sure I should have said that...I feel like I should have just said no and gone to sleep. The conversation continued and I basically told her that she was the one that set the expectation for sex, she's the one that wanted to finish the movie, and she knew what time the kids were going to be home. Pretty much silence from her after that, she didn't say much. Then, I felt the need to add one more thing... I told her she prioritized the thirty year old movie she had seen before and that I am now prioritizing my dignity and my need for sleep.. And, I went to sleep.

Today, total confusion in my head. I'm out of my element, yesterday was not my usual patter. I usually would have taken the duty sex and let it go. So, I'm happy that I put my dignity above a 30 year old movie. I'm trying to find equilibrium because this is new. I've thought about last night a lot while at work today. Now tonight, she is not talking about last night at all, but she is being super chatty, wanting to know about my day, and overly nice. My wife is always pretty nice, but this is animated tonight.

I'd appreciate feedback on how I handled this situation. In some ways I am happy with how I handled myself because I didn't get mad (even though I was) and I didn't let her use duty sex to placate me.

Again, I'm new to this, but I am doing the work.