Hi first time posting here, would appreciate some insight into my situation. I'm reading sidebar, already somewhat familiar with its content and RP principles.

I'm a disabled man in my mid 30's. I frequently can't work or hold a stable job. I'm on SSI (welfare) as I'm stuck with a completely unpredictable, progressively destructive health condition with a dubious treatment plan. My life is relatively boring AF even though I try to keep as active as I can.

I have a few hobbies, but most things I've spent my life getting better at I am no longer able to do. I used to be very active - Surfing, weightlifting, social dancing, played saxophone, etc. I used to lead at church and was involved in Children's ministry, had a cute Christian GF. Around age 27 my health suddenly took a huge nose dive and its been hell ever since, trying to adjust to living in constant pain and being mostly unable to move.

Frankly I wanted to die for a long while and didn't see much point to living as literally everything I had worked for and enjoyed was stripped from me including my body. Much like Job, I guess. But fairly recently I took a new outlook on life with the help of cannabis medicine, I've mostly resigned to just living a shit existence watching the world burn itself alive while trying to pray for people and help out where I can. It hasn't been easy at all, I'm stuck living with my obsessively neurotic grandmother who happens to be a hoarder. She helps out where she can, but our relationship is strained, she is incredibly difficult to live with (I don't imagine I'm much easier.)

I've been in counseling for several years now, to try to get over codependent issues and other things, but frankly living without a long term vision and being in pain nonstop with no reasonable hope for change is pretty miserable. The most helpful thing to do to manage the emptiness has been to literally surrender absolutely every and anything I've ever wanted and just exist. Its pretty shitty though I won't lie, and I'm getting pretty tired of it.

I guess I'm looking for some perspective, lately with Covid being a thing and my health being particularly shitty, I've been hella lonely and I am a very interpersonal being. My friends are homebodies and honestly nobody understands what its like being in my situation so nobody reaches out. It's been additionally difficult dealing with self-image issues being a cripple and largely unable to take care of myself, hopes for ever getting married or having meaningful work to do seem pointless.

I don't mean to be a self-pitying pile of poodoo, I very much try to avoid this kind of thing and don't usually cry out for help in such a pathetic fashion, but lately things have been really tough. I reconnected with my ex-GF recently and though it initially started off romantic, it has progressed to serve as a reminder of my inability to provide or be anything other than an overgrown infant. I don't trust her to be faithful long term, either, she has displayed prominent red flags that make me believe she would cheat or otherwise be unable to handle the responsibility of assisting me.

I feel the holy spirit telling me to be hopeful, but frankly I don't know for what and the weight is bearing down. ugh. Self pity is gross. Anyway, thanks for reading.