If women can't ask questions of this subreddit, please delete this post.

Preface: I'm 27F, Christian, and have been divorced for a year after a <1 year marriage. I don't want to dump all the info below on some random date, and I'm going to be upfront about the divorce so men can dip if they aren't interested in anyone with that background. But I also need help knowing how much I should tell men, so that they at least know the divorce wasn't a dumb "we grew apart" or "I'm not in love" situation. I also hesitate to call the marriage abusive, because I know that raises red flags for many men.

In semi-brief: I met my ex in college; he went to church and called himself a Christian. I fell in love, loved his family and some of their values, and we got through 5 years of dating. I was able to maintain physical boundaries pretty well (2 years were LDR and I was doing a college sport, which helped immensely). After I moved closer to my ex, we got engaged. He quickly became controlling (hypercritical, telling me he'd break up with me if I didn't move in with him, blocking me from seeing family/friends, telling me that my memories of events weren't right). He also put on a lot of sexual pressure. Something felt off in my gut, but I have a general "hard work and commitment can fix anything" mindset and thought that I might be the "problem." In the month post-wedding, I found out that he invited someone who tried to assault me in college to our wedding (after I begged him not to); he said that he didn't have any spiritual connection with his faith ("it's just nice guidelines and good traditions"); and he said he'd never been romantically in love with me. He admitted to hiding these things and manipulating me to make sure I went through with the wedding, but he rationalized it and mocked me. To the end, he refused to apologize for anything. The sexual pressure got way worse, he made sex really rough, and he enjoyed insulting me during sex (imagine wanting to submit, but every time you do, you feel a bit less human, and then when you try to talk about it, your husband denies doing it or tells you that you're too sensitive). There was more going on, but overall it was bad. I went to solo counseling and got a nondenom pastor and the Catholic priest who married us involved, my husband refused to engage, and tldr; after I separated myself and going to live with my parents, my ex decided to stonewall me for months. I eventually filed for divorced and we've had no contact in the year since the marriage ended. The Catholic Church has annulled the marriage.

I've spent the last year dealing with my own fault and trying to get a clean conscience before God. While my ex was deceptive and cruel (and probably has narcissistic personality disorder, according to a pastor), I got so focused on making the relationship work that I ignored warning signs, let my shame control my decisions (since he took my virginity, I thought I "had" to marry him), and forgot to actively listen to God. I can see where I should've acted differently and not married him. But while I believe in reconciliation and God working in bad marriages, I was too terrified on getting pregnant with my ex and having him father my kids to stay. I knew it was very likely that he'd continue to be physically rough with me while I was pregnant, and the idea of bringing babies into our dynamic broke my heart. The need to get away felt almost primal.

At the same time, I've healed a lot and am in a good place. I've been living with my parents, and they have a healthy Christian marriage. My dad is the perfect male role model, bar none. I supported myself independently for four years before my marriage, and now I'm in grad school with an exciting job offer. I'm refocused on my fitness, health, friends and family. I know some men won't want a divorced woman under any circumstances (I've wrestled a lot theologically with remarriage, talking to multiple pastors)--but I've decided to not completely block myself from the possibility of meeting a strong, truly Christian, kind man. I have no problem with leadership, I just want to feel generally safe with "the leader."