I hope I can return here and be strong like many of you are. I hope I can come back here and share a success story of my life.
I hope I can come back and say I'm better off, no matter what happens with my relationship or how or when it may end.
I did a lot of therapy in my life and I'm going to get back into it now because I am honestly so confused and my mind feels so cooked from trauma. I am chronically confused. Just so confused in my relationship all the time.
I was a sick and traumatized person my whole life. I have begun to change and I can't tell what's real or not because of the relationship I am in.
I don't know if I'm a narcissist, or just a traumatized person who used to carelessly take it out on others.
I don't know if I am just lying to myself about doing the work and getting better. Or if I'm doing such a good job at playing the victim that I've convinced myself.
I don't know if I am actually so brutally invalidating and cold that I can't even see it, or if my attempts to validate my boyfriend just aren't enough because of the shit I put him through in the past.
I don't know what is real.
I want to be able to say I am happy alone.
I also want to be able to say that I mended a horrible toxic relationship that I caused to be that way in the first place. That I fixed what I broke and helped someone who used to love me a lot be better.
I know you might think I'm pathetic. That I'm "building the bob" and my boyfriend is a "LVM". That I'm a pickmeisha and I'm making excuses. That I'm weak or dumb even.
He tells me I'm a narcissist who crushed his dreams and tried to stop him from reaching his goals because my own fragile ego couldn't handle his success.
I was painfully insecure and jealous in the past. I never trusted him or any man. I don't know if I should have or not. I did catch him in lies at least once, I wish sometimes I had ended it then instead of being "the woman who forgives".
I think he may have gaslit me about events that didn't happen so he wouldn't be caught in a lie. I was going to type out that experience but it's a waste of time. None of you know the truth and neither do I. It's pointless to speculate about it. And he claims to have told me the truth, and it's my fault if I don't believe it.
I have no idea what is real or not. Not like seeing shit knowing what's real. But just who I am, what reality is in regard to my relationship, and what I have or haven't don't right or wrong sometimes.
I'm a deans list college student, one of those people who is pissed when I get a 98% and not 100%. I care about my health, I work hard mentally to process my childhood trauma and become self aware.
I am smart, introspective, and gaining self awareness like never before. I am interested in seeing the truth in things and being a better person.
I have to leave reddit because I am too vulnerable to be influenced by anyone right now. Even if it's a bunch of ladies (you all) that are living their best lives and promoting self care and independence.
I'm truly too vulnerable to be influenced by anything. I don't even want to see my good friend who has never done anything to hurt me. Because I'm tired of lying to peoples faces about things being fine.
As if my brain isn't cooked. As if I'm not confused all the time. As if I can actually appreciate their presence and be in the moment and not milling about in my own head the whole time they're talking.
You ladies are awesome.
I had to promise my boyfriend last year that I wouldn't go on this sub anymore. Because it was turning me against him.
I know you'll think I'm weak and pathetic. I do too sometimes. But overall I just don't want to confuse myself more and then regret having gotten emotionally caught up in things and been hasty without knowing the full truth.
I sound like a crazy person at this point.
I did terrible things to my boyfriend in the past. A month ago he punched the shit out of me in my arm and leg, bruising me for weeks, and I was driving as he did it. He was screaming "there are consequences for your abuse!" over and over again.
I know I deserve this and that's why I can't kick him out.
