I (22m) told my girlfriend (21f) how I feel about her Bikini pics on Instagram and now she thinks I’m controlling and I don’t feel like she respects my feelings at all.

0 points•33 comments•submitted by Nastyturnip99 to r/relationship_advice

We both met in January and started a situationship that turned into a loving relationship quickly. Before we committed to each other I would’ve never cared about any of this stuff, but now she’s my girlfriend for who I’d do anything for. She had one bikini pic from 2017 before we even met, then a whole number of regular pics. After we committed to each other and brought up the L word and all that, she went on a trip to cape may with her friends, where she was at the beach and posted a bikini pic. This irked me because it wasn’t even a picture of her and her friends having fun, it was her posing by herself in the sand in a fairly revealing bikini, similar to this photo with the caption “Beach Bum” this is now one of her most liked photos on her page, more likes and comments than any pic where she’s fully clothed and certainly more likes than any photo with me.

She has an open account with over 1,500 followers and a lot of those followers being thirsty dudes (many of them she doesn’t even know). This makes me feel like she is seeking attention and validation by exposing herself in a sexual way. Initially, when she posted this, I didn't say too much because I didn't want to start an argument while she was on vacation. I texted her half-jokingly saying "I see you're having fun posting all those thirst traps" hoping she'd take a hint, to which she replied "just a few". I kept trying to hint that I didn't like the post, explaining how it attracts thirsty guys and she told me to comment on it to claim it, so I did and that gave me some temporary relief. Eventually, that relief faded and I brought it up again when the subject matter was relatable, she kept shutting it down telling me to get over it.

Recently I liked a post of someone we both knew who posted a bikini pic, I honestly wasn't even doing it out of thirst but more or less just mindlessly scrolling and liking shit. She saw this and asked me to unlike and unfollow her because I didn't know her as well as she did and she saw it as a thirst like. I understood how she felt and immediately unfollowed and unliked. We were doing ok after that, but I started to think about how I tend to fix any issue she brings up to me immediately, meanwhile many issues I bring up to her lead to an argument or disagreement of sorts. I brought this up subject up to her again hoping that she'd hear my feelings out and maybe do something about it as I did for her, to which she said I was controlling for wanting her to go back and delete these pictures.

She insists that it’s for herself because she felt confident and wanted to show everyone including her girlfriends who like to hype her up and comment things like "bad bitch" etc. With that being said she also insists that it's not for attention or validation (which conflicts with the latter statement imo). I told her that I don't like this and I'd rather that any sexuality of hers be directed only towards me. She knows she gets more attention from thirsty guys on her page when she posts those things, but insists that guys will sexualize her regardless of what she's wearing and that her bikini pic is no big deal. I don't think that's true because while I understand that some guys will sexualize anything, I know for a fact they sexualize bikini pics more than anything else (and it shows in the number of likes and the type of accounts liking her photo). I expressed how I don't like the type of attention it's getting, guys have commented and DMd her about this pic, she told me about any DMs and deleted any comment from a guy that wasn't me (which I appreciate). She also insists that I shouldn't worry because she doesn't respond to any DMs or comments, which is good, but it's also the bare minimum in a committed relationship.

There are also plenty of other photos from before we met where she was looking pretty and guys would comment heart eyes and other thirsty things and she'd even reply to them, all of which were guys who she didn't even know or follow. I understand this is the past and she had every right to handle those comments as she did, but it also bothered me that they were there and I asked if she would delete them and she also said no and that I was controlling for asking. Most of them were on another bikini pic from a while ago where she was posing like this but at a higher angle and her cleavage being very prominent. Again, there's nothing wrong with this being posted while single and before me, but the fact that its still there with all those comments bothers me, and even worse it confirms to me that she posts these types of things for validation and attention (especially from men).

I honestly don't think it's healthy for our relationship for these posts to be up. With all my jealousy aside, it's not right to be seeking validation from others by posting revealing photos while in a relationship or even having those photos up. I expressed all of this to her in the most nonjudgmental and reasonable way I could and she insisted that she wouldn't do it and I was controlling and possessive (of course tears were involved because that's always something she resorts to when we argue, no matter how calm and collected I am in explaining things to her).

I understand that I can't tell her what she can and can't do because she's her own autonomous being, but I also told her that this would cause me to rethink a lot of aspects of our relationship if she leaves them up and continues this type of thing. When I told her this, she went straight to saying that I take her love for granted, and we aren't in as strong of a relationship as we thought if I had to reconsider things over a "simple beach pic". I don't think I take her love for granted tbh, I appreciate everything she does for me. What I can't handle is disrespect for my feelings and my values on what should and shouldn't happen in a relationship, which is why I'm so conflicted.

At the end of all this, she told me I should consult an outside source for any different opinions. I have done this actually, I've been doing it since she posted the picture that initially started this conversation. All my friends have given me different answers on how they feel about it, so now I'm consulting you guys.

TLDR: I don't like that my girlfriend is posting sexy bikini pictures for validation on instagram, and she doesn't want to do anything about it because she thinks its controlling. Because of this I feel as if she doesn't respect my feelings or my values in this relationship and now I'm reconsidering things.

EDIT: Formatting