How to Deal with Disrespect From Women?

Lice138 · 2016-12-27T20:10:45+00:00

Downgrade her from sister to plate

BestSC86 · 2016-12-27T19:22:15+00:00

The fact that it made your blood boil IS losing your frame.

doctor513 · 2016-12-27T21:14:29+00:00

I'd be very interested to hear some more real talk on this. I don't have much to add other than I struggle with the same types of issues

AmlanceJockey · 2016-12-28T03:38:00+00:00

Your sister is family, but she is a person. Sometimes people are assholes. Assholes are not assholes to everyone. They are assholes to people they perceive as safe targets. Your sister wouldn't to that to the gangbanger on the corner since she knows their is a good chance he will beat her ass. She wouldn't do it to the queen bee at school, cuz she knows the queen bee has the social intelligence to wreck her on the spot.

You have to decide what your boundaries are and enforce them. Stop being a safe target. Enforcement can be tricky and it takes a lot of social and emotional intelligence. I think you did right by not engaging in her in the moment. Your sister is socially intelligent enough to send a barb your way that is super disrespectful but subtle enough that you look like an asshole if you make a scene.

So, what to do? Amused mastery wont work because she is basically spitting in your face. Agree and amplify probably would have worked well in this situation. Like "hey, we cant all be as smart as you" delivered with just a touch too much sincerity, and said to her but really directed to the rest of the table. This plays well because since your sister only talks to other kids, she doesnt have the frame of reference that all the other adults have when it comes to dinner talk. Specifically, the use of that kind of bland response people use to let the other person know they are engaged with what they are saying. To bystanders what you said was normal table talk, and then some brat butts in trying to shit on you, and then you deftly sidestep the shit without dignifying the brat with an actual response or letting it get to you.

That's the game. In a platoon of marines out in the jungle you might say "do you have a fucking problem?". And the brat either accepts the boundary you placed or calls your bluff and forces you to defend the boundary verbally or physically. And on the end the pecking order is sorted out. In polite society, the game is much more covert. You have to defend your boundary without beating up teenage girls. The problem is, most women and some men will have a lot more practice in this kind of covert conflict. What's more confusing is its not only covert. Sometimes the situation calls for a departure from the covert power struggle to the overt confrontation style and switches back to covert in a matter of seconds.

An example from to demonstrate both types of conflict. Group of five guys out for drinks after work

Dylan: Chrissy from accounting likes Bob, but he's too much of a pussy (covert attact with plausible deniability, could be just one bro busting anothers balls)

Bob: Naw bro, cant shit where you eat! ( Hey we can bust balls im cool!)

Dylan: [concerned] Im just saying, people are starting to think you're a fag. Getting a little action might fix your rep around the office (i am trying to make you seem like my secually undesirable little bro im helping out in front of the guys, plausible deniability intact, since im trying just trying to help/bust balls)

Bob: Hey, if they think im gay, we can have your wife tell them about the christmas party last year hahah (im smiling cuz we are just joking around, but we are friendly not friends and you just called me a pussy and a faggot back to back. this clear escalation should show you im drawing the line here)

Dylan: [laughing] hey man dont get hurt (u mad bro? Im the AMOG, talk abouty wife again ill fuck u up)

Bob: [dead serious] hurt by who? (overt, im taking away your polite conversation rules you are hiding behind and DIRECTLY and overtly confronting you. Basically, this one step away from 'would you like to go outside?')

Dylan: AAHAHAHH IM JUST BUSTING YOUR BALLS MAN, you should see your face! ( i tried to establish myself above you by shitting on your boundaries in front of our tribe. You have defended your boundaries and i give up. I will save face by hiding behind plausible deniability)

The easy way out is to let Dylan shit on you and avoid the conflict. If you dont want be the Dylan's idiot youre gonna have to engage. If you are lucky Dylan backs off after you show your teeth. If not, the game continues. Btw Bob both won and lost that encounter. Dylan intially tried to elevate himself by making Bob the butt of the joke. Bob drew a boundary and defended it. No one is going to try and embarrass Bob for a while. Even though Dylan backed down, he got a hell of a rise out of Bob. Some people might even walk away thinkimg Bob was too heavy handed and cant take a joke, or doesnt conform to the 'polite' rules of the tribe.

All of that was to say social dynamics are complicated. It takes real finesse to defend your social standing and enforce boundaries in a world where hairless apes are pretending to be polite humans.

Now back to the situation. The real issue with your sister. is systemic. Dont take her shit. In other convos when she talks shit, send it back. Make it hurt but respond proportionally so you still look in the right when she cries to dad about how mean you are. Teach her that when it comes to you, its more socially beneficial to attempt to publically get your approval than it is to use you as a step stool. Without more specifics about your relationship with her and your general status I'll leave it there.

Final note. Your sister may be a bitch. She has a whole world outside of your family reinforcing her bad behavior and she may always be a bitch for the rest of your life. Its ok not to talk to her, its ok to deal with her in a machievellian fashion where you only deal with her as a collateral duty of being a member of yur tribe, and its ok not to love her. Hell, its better to be respected than loved right.

[deleted] · 2016-12-27T17:57:00+00:00

It's your little sister not some woman you're trying to fuck or a coworker.

Go talk to her

Title	How to Deal with Disrespect From Women?
Author	DeadShot91
Upvotes	1
Comments	6
Date	December 27, 2016 5:51 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5kkzep/how_to_deal_with_disrespect_from_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-deal-with-disrespect-from-women.79789 https://theredarchive.com/post/79789

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