I am 17, and I am ready to give up the game after 5 years of constant suffering in relationships. I'm going to be 18 pretty soon, so I'm already starting to work on a career to go through my own path and Leave my soulless house I've been growing through with my aunts ever since I was 13.
My mother died due to terminal cancer(smoke killed her), and my dad abused me and cheated on mom for an urkraine woman(comprehensive tough, my mom constantly cheated on him with low life beta males from his job).
As you may immagine yes, I am a beta male being raised from a single mother household and yes, I am edgy and indeed I struggle having relationships with women as I don't want to have them at all, since I am mentally weak and am traumatized by my past(I want to be protected) and, since I know most women are parasites and that wish will never be granted, I have officially decided to go MGTOW and focus on improving myself and working on my passion only so I can gain money and live an healthy life, not by any chance am I doing it in the hope a woman will eventually start chasing me, beacuse even if she will, I will instantly tell her to go fuck herself as soon as she even dares to put her hands on my dick(no I won't litterally tell her to go fuck herself if I don't have any reason to, but that's the concept of it really).
The only friends I have are some beta males who also think of life like I do, some of them planning on being musicians, some orthodontists, some game developers etc, my "enemies(which they've decided to be)" being the alpha males who think I'm a loser whose better off killing himself(which I really am not offended by).
There is one thing, however, that's stopping me from going MGTOW, and that is old memories, old images coming back into my life: a girl into my classroom has lost her mother when she was 8, and our "relationship(not romantic relationship, comunicative relationship)" has been going hell mode since we first met in high school.
I just don't seem to understand her, she first says she's lesbian, then she says she wants me to act like a man(she didn't directly say that but she implied it) and when I've answered to her that I've given up relationships beacuse everyone bullied me and thought I was a loser, she held my hands and told me life must not have been easy for me and that she was gonna take care of me, then she's kinda been my cheerleader throughout the entire year cheering me up when things were going bad but not only did she never ask me out, as soon as school was over she immediately ghosted me and started talking on my back to other people saying I was repetitive and a loser. Then, in 10th grade she ended up with a guy who is almost never there for her(saw that in real life, even though her Instagram stories say otherwise), became an alcoholic, a drug addict and got herself a bad reputation around teachers, which she tries to negate to herself but she isn't good at hiding her agenda, since in 11th grade she litterally beat up one of our classmates over the fact she wasn't able of convincing the English teacher on getting us on a trip justifying herself later saying she was the one who got her hands on her, and once she was taking some kind of coke into school's bathroom or something, she got caught and started crying in front of the teacher. Then, she once lied to one of our Greek teachers for not having studied saying she went at her aunt's funeral, but then one of the dudes who "acts" like a bully but I actually think he acts that way beacuse of some personal struggles has told me that she lied about her aunt being dead and than I shouldn't trust her but only the few mates I already have. I don't know if I should trust him either though, he mocked me saying that he lied about wanting to finally put our differences aside and go out with me(he said he wanted to be my friend) and that he will never want to be my friend cause I am an embarrassment to talk to his and the other classmates parents, and he and some of his other friends also often teased me about wanting to go out with this girl I liked, though I don't really know if they really did or were just mocking me. In any way she perform, These are all things I've never judged her over, whereas she first started crying to her friends saying she was guilty for hurting me, then she constantly started about me being a uneducated irresponsible male nobody wanted and said that if I kept going that Way I would've been left alone(which isn't entirely true as I do Infact still have friends, very few but I have them), then I tried to close contacts with her and we both said we would've stopped taking to each other.
Of course this wasn't the case, and I went through another hard moment when my grandpa died in 10th: I went on my pills which caused schizophrenic hallucinations, and when some of those bullies I talked about started making fun of me and thinking they could beat me up while under effect, I became aggressive and started protecting myself from them, I got so angry I told some of them to go kill themselves, and as soon as I did that, she immediately started saying I had no excuse for acting that way, all of that after she was found out doing what I told you she was doing, kinda like she was trying to bring me down on her level. After that I've stopped taking pills and everything came back to normal, but she kept offending me in front of other people.
Here's where the strange part comes in, as I already said up until that point, I was capable of respecting the fact that she didnt love me and I was able of keeping my "beta male traits" at bay, but the thing that makes me doubt whether I should move on from the relationship and go MGTOW or not is the fact that every time she did something bad to me, she would either touch me on my shoulders or my hands, smile, give a short version of my first name as a nickname and make funny jokes to make me laugh or ask me how I was doing. The last day of school in the 10th grade, she probably thought she was never going to see me again(thought I was gonna take suicide) and she cried so loud the entire classroom could hear her, but I do admit I've been a complete asshole in that case and didn't have litterally any emotional reaction, I didn't even go there asking her what was going on, I litterally couldn't feel anything, not from my heart or from my brain.
In anyway she perform, the last time we ever had experiences togheter was in 11th grade.
The year opened up good at first when she touched my shoulders in a school project where even her boyfriend was there to see her, then she told him something about me I couldn't perfectly hear. The only thing I've heard him say was a very high pitched "no" followed by a whole monologue he started to make which sounded manipulative to me, and then they started kissing each other.
That same guy, I've met him at a party of my friend and he kinda sounded like he wanted to get physical with me, he said he would've asked her if she wanted to get back with me (he was obviously making fun of me). I didn't even bother him beacuse again, it's not my job to say with who she should end up with or stay with, she's the one being passive-aggressive on everything and his boyfriend is not convincing me either. In either way, he went out of my friend's home who had a party and from the I've never seen him again up until the day of the project(and she didn't even call him, a friend of her called him for her).
In anyway, after the school project she started talking down to me even with teachers saying I went completely crazy after my mom's death and she says that talking to me Is like talking to a wall, then she started saying to me I have tourette's syndrome, that she couldn't stand talking to me and once even said I suck at school and I should be ashamed beacuse of it(which is hypocritical, since she's hanging out with someone who didn't pass this year's exams), but then she just kept staring me down sometimes and smiling at me, once I noticed she was looking at me and I smiled too, so she got up from her and gave me a really masculine "yo" and stared at me smiling without giving any continuation to the dialogue, and that is when I started to suspect something was wrong.
Again, I don't bother talking to her beacuse I've already did when the 10th grade started and she already told me "she already has the solution" to her life and that "she already is ready to move on and start a new journey of happiness" so I was like "ok do as you wish", but then she always comes back at me with the shaming language etc.
The only indication I've had of something possibly happening to her is when a best friend of mine(the same guy who made the party) who goes in the same classroom as his boyfriend told me that "I shouldn't get girls who look identical to me beacuse they worry when they know they're about to lose the person they love", and she mentioned me(although that was before she had a boyfriend) that I "am not the problem", and a friend of mine also told me he often asks her "how am I" and that she says "I'm a nice guy", other than that I really don't know what could possibly have happened.
I want to understand if I shall go MGTOW and leave the relationship as it is or if she actually wants something from me that I may actually use at my advantage, and I also want to know if I'm still in time to get her back.
Can someone help me to understand what you think has happened, why she acts the way she does and if I should get her back or just let the relationship go? I'm in 12th grade know, so I guess you can say it is a bit late now.
