Hey, men. This is a really personal post and also probably a bit OT, but if it's allowed to stay up, I'd really appriecate your input.
Basically I'm a 25 year old guy, living in a small apartment next to my family (father,stepmother, younger brother) working nightshifts at a mental institution of sorts. My father is in real estate, and have had great success as I've gotten older (especially in the last 5 years). As for me, I've spent most of my years after high-school being depressed and as a semi-alcoholic at times. I just got no drive. Tried going to university a couple of times, but ultimately lost motivation and went back to working and isolating myself. Had a breakdown a year ago that made me clean up my act a bit, cutting back on the booze and made me not sit in my room 24/7, but still miles away from being happy or finding enjoyment out of life, outside of videogames, entertainment and alcohol.
In the meantime my brother grew up, and have become the clear successor to the family business. And as my father is moving more and more towards retirement (and dealing with psycho step-mother and going on drinking binges), it's not until now that I've actually had to truly face that reality. I dont really enjoy renovating houses, and although I've worked and helped out over the years, I'm not a very hands-on, practical person (opposite of my brother).
Now, I/we didnt exactly have a good childhood, and I've been treated for a couple of anxiety disorders because of it, and so I guess along the way I just checked out. Gave up on myself. Took a backseat in making adult life choices and just followed the path of least resistance. I'm feeling the weight of that every time I'm around family. The eldest brother being a dissapointment. It's started to make me resentful, especially when my father compares me to my brother, asking me why I can't just pull my self together. So, I'm stuck. My identity is almost exclusively tied to my family (have very few friends) and like I said, I have no real motivation for anything, So I've just been autopilating and trying my best not to fall into another bout of depression.
But at last, I now feel forced to move away and distance myself from everyone (that includes a gf of 6 years. Stagnant and somewhat unhealthy relationship), as I cant stand how I feel treated and how it's probably only gonna get worse, turning me into a bitter person. But that also definitely means giving up some priviliges, relationships and comforts, and ultimately means giving up on trying to be(come) a good heir and abandoning my "role" as the elder brother.
And to be honest with you guy, I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't make it on my own. That I'll have nothing left to live for, turning to alcohol for some temporary relief from my anxiety and negative self-image, while my problems compound to the point that I'll just end it. At the same time I realize that I've got no choice, or rather, that I made that choice years ago and only now truly feel the consequences of it.
Hope I don't come across as too whiny and/or self-sympathizing. I realize that I've made my own bed here, and that I'm responsible for how things have turned out. I'm just hurting for some outside perspective on how to deal with the situation, since I don't have anyone to really open up about these things with. Thanks, guys.
