I made a lot of mistakes in my youth (taken a friend on a date 5 years ago) and recently I talked to a friend, that I found attractive but would never get with. The friend was leaving town, which I wish I was leaving too, and just saying her goodbyes. I had cut off some many people that my wife still thinks I will relapse or something but I wouldn't. I'm done with people, the drama, the time being wasted, all of it. It's the same thing over and over again.
One of my favorite songs is "Horse with no name" by America. I really do want to live in the desert away from everyone in a small town to still have the things I need. It seems like paradise to be just by myself and she doesn't get it. I would fall in love with vast open blue skys and mountains before ever being tempted by another woman again.
I'm human and I have to be punished for it. I left religion too because of this mentality that people have to be punished. I want exile and it isn't good enough. I have to feel pain like the figurative hell that she makes me go through.
Hopefully the 10 years left until my kids are adults I can just leave and support them if they need me. I also want to teach them how women today shouldn't treat men like society wants them to.
This feels like prison and after watching a show about slavery, I wouldn't want anyone to be involved in marriage. It's torture now and I don't think anyone should go through with it. Divorce decrees are the new freeman paperwork at this point.
