I've posted this a few different places trying to get an idea about what people think about it. I've started watching some MGTOW content (such as "Better Bachelor") over the past few years and thought I might get a bit of advice/perspective on how to think about these two incidents from this community. Sorry if the way I wrote this move a bit fast but these memories are a bit old and I don't remember all the details I could about the incidents.
I’m not sure if this belongs here or not but here are two incidents that happened to me as a kid.
When I was about 9 or 10 I went to go stay at my dad's for the summer. He and his girlfriend were working at a Denny's at the time and His girlfriend had a daughter who was seven years older than me so about 16 or 17. It was her job to watch me while our parents were away at work. One day while they were gone she got out a porn tape that our parents had hidden on the top shelf and put it in for us to watch. At that point, I had never seen any porn so I did not fully understand what was going on but I knew it was related to sex. At this point, she started showing me parts of her and asking to see and touch parts of me. This went on back and forth for a bit till she was sitting on top of me and we were about to have sex. At that point however I had a shock of fear, disgust, shame, something go threw me and I stopped it before it went any further. Since then I've mostly put it out of my mind trying not to think about it, although I do think it's had some negative effects on the way I interact with women. My dad later married her mom and we found out later that the girl has a light form of mental retardation that causes her to act in slightly immature ways. Due to that and the nature of the situation, I'm not sure how to think about it. Was I molested or did I take advantage of her? It didn't go that far so was it nothing at all or was it something? And if so what was it? I wish I could just completely forget about it but my mind comes back to it every so often on rare occasions. As it stands though I don't hold anything against her and now consider her to be my sister and would do anything I could for her as such.
There was also another incident that occurred before my parents got divorced. They got divorced when I was seven so I was probably five or six when it happened. We went to my dad’s sister’s house to visit. At some point me and my cousin were told to go upstairs and play so she took me upstairs. At the time she was probably about 9 or 10 years old. While we were upstairs she told me she wanted to play a game and she had me go to the back of a walk-in closet with her and get under a blanket so we were fully covered. Then she told me the rules of the game were that we touch whatever part of the body on the other person we wanted. Not knowing anything about sex at the time I did not know what she wanted so I wound up touching her shoulder or something like that. She then corrected me and placed my hands where she wanted them, on her crotch and her chest. She then placed her hand on my crotch and started rubbing my hand against her crotch. Being 5 or 6 and not understanding what was going on, I started complaining after a minute or so about how I was bored with the game and that it was hot under the blanket. She wound up getting aggravated and ended the “game” and was mad for the rest of the night. Now that I’m older I understand what was going on when I look back at it, even if I didn’t at the time that it happened. I would later find out she was my biological half-sister who had been adopted by my aunt when my dad went to jail because her mom was abusive to her previous kids. I was conceived after my dad got out of jail.
Like I said before, as a result of these two incidents I don't really feel comfortable around women. Almost like I get that shock from when I was 9 that says shut it down every time there is even a hint of it moving anywhere sexual. I don’t even really like being touched by other people, even in non-sexual ways. Also, I don't know how to think about these two incidents. Everyone involved was so young and I'm not sure who if anyone is at fault. Also, the fact that both of them are family makes it all that much weirder and sickening. I really just don't know how to think about it.
