Long post alert!
At the onset, let me mention that I'm not your usual MGTOW dude. I'm 23 - Indian, and a Hindu. If this annoys/disgusts you, please stop reading right now. This is one of the reasons I'm posting this here instead of r/MGTOW, because I'm pretty much bound get some flack just by being 'revealing' this side of my personality.
Simply put, my life was turned upside down by this super toxic relationship I had with this girl (Anna). She was a year older than me, but we were in the same class. She wasn't particularly attractive (at least without makeup), but I liked her personality. Most of all, I liked how she made me feel. It's a pretty dumb relation to be in a relationship, but that's how it was.
Soon after, she cheated on me with her ex, whom she used to call her 'one-time best friend'. They only kissed, btw. I was quite hurt, of course, but I was also puzzled. I don't mean to sound like an arrogant prick, but I was doing wayyyy better than her in university, both in terms of academics and 'socially'. I had better grades, I played sports, I played bass & keyboards in my band, and I was even the president of my 'society' (kind of like a fraternity for any Americans reading this). I also consider myself reasonably good looking - I've acted in a couple of TV ads and stuff like that. I knew there were couple of girls who were interested in me, but the thought of cheating on my girlfriend never even occurred to me. And yet, this girl, who was not even that popular or anything, ended up cheating on me, and made me feel like the biggest moron and lowlife in the world. She blamed me for it! I was visiting my old grandfather (who had recently come out of hospital) at the time when this happened. She said she did it because she was annoyed that I was not responding to her messages (I'd switched my phone off) when she was" feeling down".
Anyway, I gave her another chance. She started being resentful towards me. She called me names, insults. Directed towards every fiber of my being. My face, body, abilities. Other topics for included my parents, friends, you name it. Threats to break my 'twiggy arms' (I was thin) and to smash my 'crooked teeth'. If I said I wanted to end the relationship, she started making suicide threats. She also threatened to threatened to make up lies and spread it over the university. Also threated to create a commotion and harass my parents at their place. (I'd absentmindedly driven her to my home one day, that's how she knew, smh.)
This happened over two years. Another thing (something I was bashed left, right, and center about at r/relationships for this. I deleted that account, btw) was the issue of sex. Now as I mentioned I'm from India. I come from a well-educated family and we're more or less 'Western' in how the topic of sex is treated. However, Anna came from a super conservative (the Indian kind) Christian family. She told me that she couldn't have sex with me unless we were married, and marriage was not possible because her pastor said she couldn't marry a non-Christian guy. As a result, we never went to fourth base. By the end of two years, the max we'd done was oral (and variations). I didn't wanted to pressure her or anything, so I let it be. Third base was good enough for me, and I respected her choice.
At the end of three years, I finally dumped her. Her insults become worse and more frequent, as did her suicide threats when things didn't go her way. Mental health was and is a taboo issue for some fucking reason in India, so it's not like I could call the authorities. The police are fucking crooks and would have laughed at me (or beaten me up) had I reported her behaviour to them.
(Now, keeping her "no sex marriage until marriage" in mind) She slept with another guy within FIFTEEN DAYS of me leaving her. 2 weeks! 3 years of dealing with that awful person, and she has sex (the entire thing) with someone in two fucking weeks! All that pastor/Christianity thing went of the window. The guy she did this with was an older guy, also NOT a Christian. How do I know this? Well, a close friend told me. Anna told me too. Yes, I know. I really was a moron.
This bloody relationship cost me so much. Don't get me wrong, it was mostly my fault for not dumping her earlier, I know that. My grades plummeted after things got worse with her. My dream was to do the M.Phil Economics program at either Oxford or Cambridge (my grandfather studied there too). My piano teacher (I was learning classical music to earn a formal diploma) literally kicked me out of his class as he felt I was too distracted (as I was!). I ended up leaving piano, I left my band and suffered a severe burnout. At one point, I couldn't even get out of bed in spite of sleeping properly. I ended up going to Denmark instead to do a masters. Considering the circumstances, I don't know how I even managed that, but it was a far cry from what I'd wanted to do.
A while after I got rid of Anna, I got close to a friend of mine, Veronica. Veronica, in spite of being Anna's friend, always took my side. She stopped talking to Anna soon after I Over the past year, she and I got quite close. She'd sometimes hint about dating to which I would say no to (as I was done with relationships for a while), and even asked me not to date anyone else. We are quite similar and share a lot of idiosyncrasies, so I thought we'd be a good fit.
However, she's recently stopped responding to conversations. Why? Because she found some dude at her university. I wasn't exactly surprised, since she'd become a bit of an arrogant asshole of late (since she got admission at a top 10 grad school in America). To be honest, I'm not particularly bummed, but what if I was seriously invested in this girl?
Girls seem to love to keep guys 'hanging' around them, it seems. After Veronica, I've had a couple of girls express interest in me, but they aren't the people I want to date! I seem to attract the same type of person every time - a narcissist coupled with some low esteem. They're alright as long as you praise them every once in a while, but god forbid if you ignore them or criticise them in any manner.
There's probably something wrong with me. But guess what? I'm done with all this bullshit. Admittedly, I've not dated that many girls, but I do have a large number of female friends, as a part of the various social groups I'm a part of. I don't see anything I like about the ones I know! To top everything, you have these great forces of social-media (guys are to a large part, responsible for this) and third-wave feminism which encourages even douchebag girls and women to feel as if they're empowered goddesses and saints. Rather than being a good person, just the fact that you're born as a woman is enough to exalt you to a 'higher' platform, on which they stand and judge everyone who's not them.
I'm not going to go down a path of hate and dislike. For me, it doesn't work for some reason. I harboured bitter feelings towards Anna for a long time, after which I gave up. It was eating me away at the inside. I neglected myself, and I regret that the most. I didn't take care of myself. Enough of all that. I'm going my own way.
