Some advice please. (Long rant)

Ok, here goes. Been married (M 45) to my wife (F 35) for 9 years and 3 month and together for 13. Have two beautiful girls together. When our first child was born we had decided for her to be a stay at home mom. My stbxw was diagnosed with post-partum depression. I started to see a different side of her. I didn’t realize at the time what was happening. I didn’t realize post-partum depression and anxiety was talking a hold on her. I have never been close to a person who suffers and struggles with these illnesses. I did not know what to do or how to act. She sought a therapist and went to her for 6 month.

When my daughter was 2 my wife told me she wasn’t happy with our marriage. I asked what I can do to fix the situation she told me to man up and do more to help her with our kid. I was shocked with that statement. I was working 60-70 hours a week. Helping my wife at home. Helping take care of our little girl. Going into work at 2am and working till 5 pm every day except weekends. Then she started to distance herself emotionally and physically from me. She started to get emotionally abusive and a few times physically as well with me. She called ma a loser, called me fat and smelly, told me no one likes me, that I was not man enough to support a family. She wanted us to buy a house but where we live it was impossible to do so on one income. I sought treatment for my behavior issues (mainly my resentment which made me angry) but she refused to see any problems in her. I asked her to seek help for her anxiety and depression and she told me she was fine and can snap out of it at any time.

Things started to slowly get better and we decided to try for a second child. When our second daughter was born we both were ecstatic. I promised myself that I would try to do even more with helping my wife. Thigs were looking up. Then it started all over again. My stbxw was pissed about everything again. I could do no right in her eyes. When I was working more hours to make up for a second income, I was told I was working too much. When I stopped the crazy hours I was yelled at that I wasn’t making enough money. She once again distance herself emotionally and physically from me. Became abusive again. She even spit in my face twice after a few arguments. I was trying so hard to make this woman happy and I felt like I was failing. My therapist said I could not make someone happy if they were not happy with themselves.

All of 2018 she would not have any physical or sexual contact with me at all. Made excuses all the time. You’re too fat, so I lost 40 pounds still nothing. You work too much, so I stopped and she got a part time job and still nothing, you don’t do enough to support our family. So I tried harder. You don’t do enough to give me space away from the kid’s, so on my free time I would make sure my kids and I left mommy alone and we would go out all day. No matter what I tried just not good enough. I started to resent my wife yet again. She wanted me to be more loving and empathetic towards her but did not want to do the same for me. November of 2018 it got bad and she said its time to divorce. I brought up couples therapy and she refused. Christmas eve as I’m wrapping the kids gifts she once again stated an argument and I hit record on my phone. She saw it and attacked me and got the phone away from me and smashed it to 100 pieces. A few days later she smashed the bedroom TV with the remote control and pretended that it was an accident. She said I have two years for me to have her fall back in love with me. I asked her why two years and she said that’s how long she has till she finishes school.

Feb. 2019 and she finally agrees to couples therapy and admits that she is depressed. Talks to her PCP and they prescribe her anti depression medication. Things were once again looking up with the help of the couple’s therapy. Then I started noticing the amount of marijuana (legal in our state) my wife was smoking. We both smoke but I do two hits before bedtime to help me sleep. She was smoking all day long even when the kids were around. When I asked her to chill out she got pissed and said she needed it to function with the kids. Summer was great and we had lots of fun. Our sex life was back and things were promising. She then told me we no longer needed therapy. I told her I would like to continue and she said no. In Sept. she asked if I could give her some time to study for exams and decided to take the kids away for the weekend. Left on a Friday, came home on a Sunday. We walk in and the house is exactly like we left it on Friday. When she came home from work I asked her if she came home at all on the weekend and she said she decided to be an adult and have fun with friends instead of studying. So the whole weekend she went out drinking and stayed at her girlfriend’s house. Ok no problem. A few days later she got drunk and told me that she thinks she is bisexual. In asked her if anything happened on the weekend that made her think that. She freaked out and accused me of calling her a whore and that I was accusing her of cheating. I let it go. A couple of days later as we all were heading to the car our next door neighbor was walking his 2 year old, his 6 month old and his dog. Came over to us and asked my wife if she wanted to join him in a quick walk and smoke with him. Showed her the bag and pipe while my kids were standing next to her. I told the guy to never do that again in front of my kids and he said sorry and walked away. That night she told me how embarrassing I was and defended the guy. I was shocked. It took her 2 days to finally admit what the guy had done was messed up and she was sorry for defending him. Things from there went downhill. My stbxw started to smoke even more and started drinking more. When I was home she would just get high and sleep all day. She stopped food shopping, cleaning, and doing things to help around the house. She was extremely agitated if she didn’t have any marijuana around and would flip out. That lasted 2 month until I finally said something to her about it. Well she took it the wrong way and said I’m an a hole for being judgmental. A week went by and I was vacuuming the house at 10 am on a Saturday while she wanted to go back to sleep because she was out of weed. The vacuum hit the bedroom door and she had a major panic attacked which then turned to a physical attack on me. I finally had enough and I told her I was calling the cops. My oldest daughter heard me say that and she begged me not to. I did what my daughter told me and I took her out of the house to the movies. Kind of regret not calling but I did not want my girl to see her mother get arrested. A few hours later we came home and my wife was nice and calm. The house smelled of marijuana as usual. She told me she loved me but was no longer in love with me. She was no longer physically or emotionally attracted to me any longer and that she wanted a divorce. Since we don’t have much money she was ok with just living as roommates and when she finishes school then she can get a better paying job and take the kids and leave. I said lets go back to therapy and she said no. She said she felt like ripping her eyes out with a fork every time I spoke in the sessions. I finally realized that this was it so I stepped back from my emotions and said ok we can discuss it after the holidays.

I did not want to ruin thanksgiving and x-mas for my kids. I did all the x-mas shopping for the kids. Wife did nothing to help. I asked her if she was getting the kids any gifts and she said yes a rabbit. She waited too long and the only time the shelter had time for her to come and see the bunnies was 3 days after x-mas. So we told the kids the bunny would be here after x-mas. The kids understood. I was then told that I had to take the kids and get the bunny since she forgot that she had to work. X-mas was great for the kids. We all got up as a family and watched the kids with excitement as they opened there gifts. Then the wife went back to smoke and hide in the bedroom. At around 4 I said the kids are getting ready for my brothers annual x-mas party and that we needed to leave in 30 min. My wife got pissed and stated to yell and swear that I did not dress them properly and that I did nothing with them all day. I calmly explained to her that I have been playing with the kids and all there new toys since 8 am and she was the one who slept all day. She then told me that she was sorry for yelling and that she was pissed at herself for doing that. At the party she hit it off with a gay guy and they both drank too much. She embarrassed me, my family and my kids. My oldest actually got in between my wife and the guy and kept on telling him to leave her mother alone. I called my daughter over and told her it was ok and that mommy was just having a fun time. My little girl asked me why mommy’s new boyfriend wouldn’t stop touching mommy and I explained that the guy was just her new friend. She said I don’t want him to take mom away from you. I told her not to worry it was all ok. She then went back and started to kick the guy away and he just would turn around and laugh at my little girl and start poking her. I started to get pissed and told my wife it was time for us to leave. In the car ride home, my extremely drunk stbxw told me how great of a father I am and how wonderful I am and that I deserve better than her and that she is done pretending and wants a divorce. She then tried to tell my oldest that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce and I stopped her from doing it. The next morning she apologized and said she blacked out and doesn’t remember anything. My daughter told her that she was swearing a lot and that my daughter didn’t like the fact that a stranger was poking my daughter in the belly and hurting her. That’s when I finally open my eyes and realized that it truly is done. For the last couple of days I have been thinking back and realized a few things.

1. Wife has not only been emotionally and mentally abusive to me but my kids as well. It all started to come back to me. The phone calls I would get where she would say you need to come home right now because I’m scared of what I’m going to do to the kids. The rants about how she pinched my daughter’s leg and telling her that she was going to hurt her because she was having a tantrum and my wife wanted her to stop. When I get off the bus and I can hear my kids crying a block away and I get inside and she is screaming at them that they are a-holes and spoiled brats and how much she hates being a mother.
2. Her use of sex as a punishment or reward to get what she wants. I am also to blame for this one since I let it happen.
3. Her refusal to help out my elderly mother when she needs it. My mom has done so much for this woman that I loved and I asked my wife to take her to her doctor’s appointment and she refused. Not because she had other things to do. She said it was not her responsibility. Then a week later our bank account is in the negative because my wife spent too much on weed and asked me to get money from my mother to cover it. I told her it was not my mother’s responsibility to pay for her drugs. She did not like that answer.
4. Her refusal to see a therapist for her mental issues. She says she is just fine and I am the cause of her anxiety and depression.

I have been blamed for everything that has gone wrong in her life. Her family is telling me to just support her and let her finish school and then she can take the kids and go. She wants to see a mediator to figure out our living arrangements and custody of the kids. We don’t have much. We live paycheck to paycheck. We have a car and rent. No savings and no extra money. This is going to ruin us financially. I don’t want my kids to leave the town they have known all their lives. They have their friends and activities and I don’t want them to hurt with a move. We cannot afford two household on what I make a year. The town we live in is very expensive and we pay ½ the amount of market value rent. We rent the apartment from my family and I take care of my elderly mother who lives on the second floor. I will fight for my kids till my last breath and will find a way to pay for a lawyer. I fear of what will happen to my girls and it breaks my heart. The stress is killing me and it doesn’t seem to be phasing her at all. She works part time and I make 2-3 x what she makes but it still not enough.

I tried to talk to her a couple of days ago about what we plan on doing about living arrangements and kids. She said I’m a wonderful person and a great father but she has been unhappy for a long time. She said it was not because of me or anything I did wrong. I asked her how long she needs before she can move out. She said why can’t we just stay as roommates until I have enough money to get out. She said she needs about a year. That she needs to get on an assistance housing list and she can only do that once she is divorced. Then she will take the kids and leave. When I said that was not acceptable she said I could not give her a timeline and can’t kick her out. She was sorry but she hated sleeping with someone that she didn’t want to have sex with. She said I forced sex on her by emotionally abusing her to get what I want. WTF? She also said that if she wants to hurt her physically she can and her smacking my 4 times is not hurting me and that she actually smacked me in the head not the face. She said you are like so many men who get off making women uncomfortable and anxious.

Sorry for the long rant but it felt good writing all this down. This was my side of what has been going on for the last 13 years. So lost and heart broken.