Is your ex-wife a bully? This is how to find out.

I'm also soon to be posting the same question to men... fyi

When we think of couples going through "an ugly divorce," people often assume that if one side is being an emotional bully, it's the man.

After hearing from many men post-divorce, it became painfully obvious that there are plenty of ex-wife bullies out there.

Are YOU an ex-wife bully? No one wants to admit so, of course. We all believe we're in the right by default, but are you?

Here are three tell-tale signs YOU are the mean one in your post-divorce relationship ... not him:

~You manipulate by withholding child visitation.

To clarify, this is one of the cruelest and most vicious ex-wife bully tactics. Obviously if your ex is a true threat to the safety of your children, the court should become involved in deciding what safe visitation entails. But outside of that, deciding to not let your ex see the children because you're mad at him—because he has a new girlfriend, or gave the kids junk food, or said something inappropriate—is NOT a reason to keep your children from their father, or limit REAL quality time.

Demanding supervised visits because of past behavior that he corrected should not be a life sentence. Do you want to punish him? Be Honest with yourself!

Is you wanting increased child support or your ex-husband to pay for this and that more important than their time and relationship with their dad.

According to an oft-cited study "Visitational Interference—A National Study," by J. Annette Vanini, M.S.W and Edward Nichols, M.S.W., "77 percent of non-custodial fathers are NOT able to 'visit' their children, as ordered by the court, as a result of 'visitation interference' perpetuated by the custodial parent." FYI: that's YOU, Mom!

In other words, moms not honoring court ordered visitation is a significantly BIGGER problem (3 times bigger, actually) than dads not honoring court ordered child support. And you better believe keeping your children from building a relationship with their father impacts them negatively.

~You undermine and belittle your ex-husband's parenting.

You desperately want to believe that YOU are the only "good parent." Everything your ex-husband does with the kids is stupid, shocking, terrible ... and wrong. If they dare to parent differently than you, you criticize. And if they actually follow your parenting style, you imply they continually fall short in some way.

I once showed my kids a benign video clip on you tube and it was an international incident. Similar to gotcha politics. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells, until I realized I was being controlled and taking the bait!

But here's the thing, Mom: those potshots at your ex actually damage your children. Those mean-spirited "in the moment," "no big deal" comments carry enormous short and long-term repercussions for kids.

It's like poison you contaminate every conversation with, sending the message, "your father is wrong and loving him is wrong." Oh, and that subtle way you initiate conversations with your children for the sole purpose of berating their father (oh, yes, you do) is nothing but an obvious (and selfish) attempt to drive a wedge between your kids and their father. You better believe both your kids and your ex know what you're up to.

~You micro-manage your ex's interactions with the kids to prove you're the boss.

You're a control freak. Why? Because the thought of your children being entirely fine without you drives you crazy! Even worse, the thought of your children happily getting along with your ex's new girlfriend or wife really sends you into a fury.

Your emotions are understandable (perhaps), but your poor behavior in response to them is not okay.

And if you're a man dealing with an ex-wife bully, don't put up with it! There are ways to work yourself out from under her toxic behavior:

First, limit communication. Start by keeping your communication with her brief, informative, friendly, and firm (BIFF). And avoid apologies. The less ammunition you give her, the less of it you'll receive.

Next, avoid getting caught up in her drama. It's natural to want to defend yourself when she's attempting to tear you a new one, but the best response is no response when she acts like this. The more you get into it with her, the more power you're giving her behavior. You're dancing to her tune and you don't want to continue being subject to her whims. (If you did, you'd still be married to her.) Finally, start standing your ground.

Sometimes the best thing to do is call a bully's bluff. Never do this in the heat of the moment; calling her bluff and standing your ground are things you do when you're calm and communicating clearly. You regain control of your life and stop the emotional bullying only when you clarify and honor your own boundaries.

Yes, but she's so frustrating!

The reality is, no matter what you do and how well you avoid caving to your ex-wife's bullying ways, she's still probably freaking out and behaving poorly when she doesn't get her way.

And you'll likely feel frustrated and angry when she does. That's normal and understandable, but it's definitely NOT okay that she puts her own anger and ire above the health and happiness of your children.

But don't let her behavior stop YOU from raising happy, healthy kids who are part of a loving extended family (that doesn't include her).

The most important thing is that your kids have a happy, rock-solid relationship with you. So pick your battles and keep your eyes on the long-term game instead of the moment-to-moment skirmishes she is so fond of starting.

Remember, your kids are paying attention. So focus on building a positive relationship with them, instead of engaging in a negative battle with your ex.