I'll start by saying I don't intend the things I say here to excuse the things I've done wrong, but I've worked to acknowledge them and gain a better understanding so I can be a better version of myself moving forward.
Five years ago, I was accused of sexual assault. This isn't to say I am innocent exactly, or even that this was an isolated incident, but I can say for certain that it was never my intention to hurt anyone. I grew up thinking if a partner was hesitant to have sex that it was okay to try to convince them, not understanding the pressures that women often feel to accommodate others and go along or that they even may not feel safe saying no. I also grew up feeling like an outsider, bullied and walking on eggshells around a father with a very short fuse, never feeling like I was good enough.
I'm now in my late 20's. My first relationships, when I was a teenager and in my early 20s became all encompassing for me. My partners were everything to me, I adored them and neglected myself, my own growth and my friendships. I expressed myself in a number of ways but I would say my primary love language is probably touch. Unfortunately without necessary balance these relationships would spiral into insecure attachment and my partners withdrew from me. Without assurances or physical touch I felt lost at sea, unable to trust I was loved or cared for and when my anxieties would get to a boiling point I would seek those assurances and validations incessantly. The cocktail of lust and anxious desperation makes me sick to think about.
I didn't hold anyone down and make them do anything and I didn't sleep with someone who was too drunk to give consent or anything like that, but in my relationships with women I cared about deeply I was seeking validation and I was persistent. The relationship in particular that led to the accusation was a mess. She seemed like no one I'd ever met before, she was incredible, sexy, smart and fun. I couldn't believe she wanted anything to do with me. Unfortunately she also had past sexual trauma and her mental health was sometimes a struggle. When I was with her I was learning as I went, about feminism and about those aforementioned pressures women feel and about consent. I thought I could be someone she could trust and that I could help. Suddenly when her desire for physical touch dropped off and she withdrew I was desperate to bring her back to me. I was so focused on myself, my own pain and this deep gut-wrenching desire to be wanted that I could no longer be what she needed me to be. One night we were in bed going to sleep and I tried to initiate and she kissed me back gently and I began going through the motions. I never got verbal consent of any kind and I kept going because she just never stopped me. We'd had so many conversations before this point and about trying to build trust, I honestly don't know how I had such a mental lapse that I thought it was okay to continue. I was so sure that if she didn't want to have sex she would just tell me. It wouldn't have been the first time. I couldn't imagine that her trust in me was so damaged that she didn't feel safe telling me no.
I didn't see it that night, but by the time we were finished the relationship was destroyed completely. It was about a month later the accusation came. It spread like wildfire, I lost nearly every friend I had, no one asked for an explanation or to hear my side of it. My whole community and my life collapsed from underneath me. I barely managed to hold myself together. She had made a semi-public post on facebook that a mutual friend sent to me. It was horrifying to read and realize how she saw me. She thought every single thing I did was calculated manipulation and painted me as some kind of sociopath. I don't think she was disingenuous, she just really didn't understand how I could hurt her the way I did without intending to do so. She truly thought I was evil and she wanted to hurt me as much as she could. I needed a wake-up call. I needed someone to tell me that my actions weren't okay and that I needed to figure my shit the fuck out. This was not that. As bad as it was, what was truly horrifying were the rumors that circulated afterwards. Stories about me were passed around like a game of telephone becoming more and more horrific as they went. Complete fabrications nothing to do with her or even to do with sex made their way back to me. Every time I heard something new it was worse. To this day I have no idea what the narrative people have built about me is. It felt like these people wanted me dead. They wanted to push me as far as they could. When I tried to reach out, apologize, make some kind of statement expressing remorse (which I did publicly,) they wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to bury myself and hide. I wanted to dive as hard as I could into booze and drugs and self destruction but I also wanted to change and that is what I have worked hard to do. Since a few months after that I've been in counselling trying to work through my attachment issues, and I am fully dedicated to obtaining verbal, enthusiastic consent from my partners.
In spite of that, years later this haunts me. I never know which part of my life may somehow implode when the wrong person hears these rumors about me. Any attempt I've made in the past 5 years to find meaningful community, to volunteer, or even to find housing has been poisoned by this. I had to move into my car. Most times I have sex I feel a sickening guilt to the point I can't even enjoy it. I feel so empty and lonely. The most important and close friendships and relationships I've built, even in the last 2-3 years have been destroyed. I was using hinge for all of a week until I was banned yesterday because someone reported my profile. I feel completely paralyzed.
So the question is largely, what do I deserve? How do I move forward? If no one will ever even entertain the possibility that I have an earnest desire to change and do better, and that I am sorry then what should happen to me? Is my sentence to never find love, companionship or even housing for the rest of my life? If I move to a new city will it follow me there? It feels like my only chance at this point is to try to leave or things will be this way for the rest of my life. I honestly believe I'm a good person I care for the people in my life so much and I love them so deeply. I try so hard to support my partners and make them feel loved, secure and happy. I have to fight so hard just to write that because I feel so much guilt over this and I honestly can't figure out who I am.
In the end, I am strong and I am resilient. I had no idea what I could survive. Backing people into a corner isn't likely to create growth or change, it's much more likely to end in them hurting themselves or others. Listening to survivors of sexual assault is important but we can't collectively unlearn the things that cause all of us all of this pain by dehumanizing people who perpetrate sexual assault. Without restorative justice and the empathy to see that people who hurt others are often not out to do so we will always be in pain.
