The seeds for this hatred started about a year ago, when I was entering a new semester of college and was content with my social, academic, and career plans. I held an employment position that allowed me to socialize, engage, and collaborate with other college students. Things were going well, so well that one of my female colleagues initiated a romantic relationship with me. I reluctantly agreed due to me not being very physically attracted to her, and things became romantic and sexual for the following month. At the time, I thought the relationship was quite normal; however, during that month, she would come close to saying that she "loved me" and actively told some of our colleagues that she felt that way about me. There were also situations where I wanted to leave her presence at the moment, but she would beg me not to leave and eventually bring up that she had abandonment issues when we were physically separated, inevitably leading me back to her to comfort her. During this month, we had sex a few times and sexually touched each other on numerous occasions; however, some of the intercourse we had was not entirely consensual from my point of view in the sense that I had told this individual beforehand that I wanted to use a condom while we had sex and she initiated the sexual penetration without a condom and without verbally checking if I was okay with it.

​

In the final days of the relationship, this individual disclosed to me that she had borderline personality disorder, which at the time I had no idea what it was. The relationship went on as normal for about a week until we decided to be "just friends." I was internally glad that the relationship was over, with one of the kindest reasons being that I knew I could never feel the same way about her emotionally as she did about me. During this "friend" stage, I also avoided her by changing my work schedule and staying alone for some time. We still had a few interactions when we were in this post relationship phase that were quite cordial. Days past, and all of a sudden I have been told that I sexually assaulted her. This shocked and scared me for many reasons. For one, she almost always initiated the sexual activity between us. Another reason why I was shocked is because of the way she acted after the alleged incident took place. This bit of news drove me over the edge to where i was voluntarily isolated for about a week. All I kept telling myself that week were things like "But I have text records showing it was consensual" and "Well, she had sex with me without a condom without my consent," but none of this helped my mental state.

​

After having some privileged conversations with doctors and therapist in that week, I decided to reach out to her and was told that "What you did wasn't wrong, what happened was simply a trigger." This instantly made me feel better and I returned to work and school shortly, however, things were FAR from normal. I could tell that individuals were treating me differently and outright shunning me. After a few days of this behavior, I decided to talk to the individual again and this conversation was far different from the last one we had shared. It included her wanting to record the conversation, her being "in control" of the conversation, and with this person wanting me to sign a statement of admission (which I didn't do). After this stark change in the two conversations, I felt my being in my current positions were unsafe for myself and I left all positions that day.

​

A few weeks later, I had my first outpatient conversation with a therapist and I told my therapist my recent history. After sharing, my therapist came to the conclusion that the person I was in a relationship with might have borderline personality disorder, after which I told them that the person I was in a relationship in told me that they had the disorder. My therapist then prompted me to read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," a book that outlines the known and unknown of borderline personality disorder. My therapist also told me to start a report of possible wrongdoing done against me and I sent an email out to my former supervisors and the university's office of student conduct.

​

Weeks passed and I had not heard back from my former supervisors nor the university's office of student conduct. This along with conversations with my therapist prompted me to retain a lawyer for further legal guidance. After about a month, the university finally reached out to me so that statements could be gathered from me.

​

Time went on and earlier this year, an investigation was finally started, naming me as a complainant. About a week after, I was notified that I would also be a respondent in a similar investigation regarding the person I was in a relationship in. Again, time passes and a final investigation report comes out. In this report, I learned that this person was not only spreading rumors of sexual assault, but also rape. Within this report, the person I was in a relationship in makes it obvious that she wasn't raped by me, even by saying that the encounter(s) were "physically consensual," however, witness statements confirm that 3rd parties were told that I raped this individual.

​

From about late last year to right before the report came out, I was simply angry by her lying and saying that I sexually assaulted her. After the report came out and her statements and allegations were more thorough, I have become consistently incensed. I asked my lawyers about what the report means from a defamation point a view, and they said that it was "a foundation" for a defamation lawsuit after they had reviewed the materials and evidence I had provided. This evidence includes text records (which I have), however, I have requested that door access records, schedule changes, desk schedules, and clock-in records be obtained as well to further prove my case (I am still awaiting for these pieces of evidence to be made available in the investigation). They also advised me to consult with other law firms about the defamation claim and other firms have agreed. She slandered me.

​

For months, I have been hating this individual for the words and acts she committed against me, although I have dissipated my anger to former colleagues for a few reasons:

They easily believed this individual without any tangible evidence that these events occurred.

Some of these individual believe sexual wrongdoing DESPITE having told me that they have not believed other accusations from other women they have known in the past.

They actively showed their disdain for me during my final days in their presence.

Some of these people knew me for years, and I am disappointed that they do not know me well enough that I would not commit crimes of moral turpitude against someone else.

​

I have tried to talk to my therapist about this, and I respect their opinion, however, the anger has not gone away. In fact, it has grown.

​

I feel it is worth mentioning that the people that were explicitly and implicit hostile towards me due to what they believed were women. Every single one of them. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I fervently believe that most women would not only automatically believe the other party in this scenario, but also treat me wrongly like my former colleagues did. This has contributed to my broad hatred for women over the past month or two. Despite having the evidence, despite having the other party lie and say that the intercourse was consensual within an investigation report, and despite trying to come across as a funny and altruistic person to those who knew me, I am undoubtedly seen as a rapist by those I use to consider my friends and by those I do not even know. Despite the other party almost always initiating the sexual contact between the two of us, I am easily seen as the sexual deviant. In addition, the other party was contacted the next day when she made a report, while I, as a male, had to wait almost an entire month to hear back from the same powers that be. As I await the findings of a final investigation report, I stress and worry about what evidence will come in my favor (since the alleged incidents happened quite a while ago now).

​

My hatred for women is growing ferociously because of about a month and a half of interactions and activity. It's growing because it seems no one believes me outside of family and privileged conversations. It's growing because I wasn't given a chance to prove my case before I was exiled from my social group. It's growing because I feel despite my evidence and her lack of evidence, SHE will be believed before me. It's growing because my life was so easily upended by rumors and lies. It's growing because even if I am exonerated, my reputation will never be the same.