I made a lengthy post last week, my GF of 5 years broke up last week. First and only GF. Since then I've sucked up so much red-pill material, I feel embarrassed about how naive I was in my last post already.

I'm still suffering from guilt, a bad ego blow, oneitis and looking for advice if I could have even made this work. I'm 23 and despite your advice to let go I feel like I ruined a good future. She was conservative, wanted children and is an aspiring mathematician. The only warning flag was an abusive father on her side and a crazy mother.

She shit-tested me about wanting to break up after talking to a manipulative female friend. I panicked and failed phenomenally, dropping frame.

I thought she was "different" and that I could talk about my insecurities. Oh how stupid I was.

After naturally being a waterfall around me, fucking me like I'm the last man alive, she became the Sahara desert, cut contact and broke up a month later. That was last week.

She just got her bachelor's in mathematics within 6 semesters, I'm still stuck in my depressingly difficult engineering studies, which will take at least 2 more years. I also chickened out of an important math exam for the 3rd time, which was probably the last straw for her.

I'm not stupid and ace the exams that I do write, but I have a lot of problems with concentration, procrastination, pure mathematics, self-discipline, deadlines and handling pressure, likely due to an absent father.

I also work for the university and played crypto markets to make very decent financial gains to give her a feeling for security and buy her all the things she needs.

I inherited an apartment that is worth roughly 150k, will kick out the current tenant and move in myself.

She was nagging about me being a loser living with my mother, being too slow in university, not being strong enough under pressure and getting immersed too much in politics.

The bad part is SHE IS RIGHT. SHE'S FUCKING RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

I'm too slow. I'm not spending enough time studying or with my hobbies. I barely have friends or go out. I failed one exam and the trauma and fear of being kicked out of university makes me postpone it and call in sick every time despite being ABLE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS. I've become a cynic and had a few depressive episodes. Studies made me numb and after I quit lifting I've been a fucking nerve wreck. I keep procrastinating and missing deadlines. She wanted to go to Paris for a year and I failed to make time for it. I barely even went out to eat with her in the end.

The breakup is my fucking fault and I'm so fucking angry at myself. I keep self-sabotaging.

I've since reconnected with my father and will visit him for the first time in a decade and signed up to get a driver's license, the car I can also afford. I've also picked up the gym again.

Now my questions are:

  • Is it even possible to keep up an LTR with a girl that's more ambitious and successful than you?
  • Is is SMART to go into a very long LTR with an academic?
  • How do I deal with tight deadlines and exam panic? This shit is ruining my life
  • Why do I keep self-sabotaging?
  • Do you guys have any books you can recommend on the topic of self-sabotage and procrastination?