Buckle in, because this story requires a lot of context.

Okay, so, I'm 20 years old, and I'm autistic. High functioning, but autistic nonetheless, and that comes with sensory issues and social issues. I've been able to develop really good communication skills but I still struggle regularly to connect with people, although I want to.

When I was very young, about 9, I stumbled across softcore porn on youtube. I continued to search for porn and it got more and more hardcore, although I never had a sexual outlet and I didn't know how to masturbate because I was never given "the talk."

Fast forward a couple years, I'm 12 years old. Hanging out with my younger female 10 year old cousin. Somehow we start watching porn together and we decide to try some things out together. We have several more "encounters" like this throughout the years, most initiated by me but plenty were initiated by her as well.

Fast forward again to Sophmore year and I find out she went to the police about our "encounters," except she lied, to an extreme degree. She didn't just exaggerate and make me look violent, she straight up made up incidents where certain people were in certain places they weren't and made me look as evil as possible.

The stuff she said was crazy. One thing I remember reading from the police report was her saying that I knocked her out, raped her, and then when she woke up I was "talking to someone who wasn't there." The report was filled with batshit stuff like this, but worst of all she claimed that I had been violently raping her since I was 6 years old.

The prosecutor wanted life in prison. No evidence, no interviews with me, nothing. Straight to a life sentence. My parents got a good lawyer and started to wear him down a bit, and I entered an outpatient treatment program (basically just group therapy once a week) and that was gonna be the end of that.

Except, my cousin's mother is fucking crazy and has a history of violence. She threatened to kill me multiple times, nothing was done about it. When she got wind of the deal, she started flipping out on the prosecutor and he decided to give in.

I was given a choice. Go from juvenile court to adult court, face potentially life in prison and have my face and name released to the press, or take a plea deal and stay in a "residential facility." I chose the latter.

I spent my senior year in a high security facility living with pedophiles, rapists, murderers, and abusive staff. If I complained or stepped out of line I would lose visitation time with my family.

Psychologists convinced me that what I did wasn't a child experimenting with another child, it was actually abuse and I was a sexual abuser and she was a victim. Nevermind she lied about me and accused me of being a serial rapist, it was just a "cry for help." I was trained to recognize what they called "thinking errors," (yes, this is real.) I told them that we both engaged in the behavior willingly, they told me I was in denial and in order to leave I had to accept that I was an abuser.

Everyone told me that I was a monster, and eventually, I believed them. I tried to hurt myself in my cell but the staff would just stop me. I couldn't live with who I thought I was.

It's been almost 3 years since I escaped that hellhole and I just recently realized that I didn't abuse anyone. I made mistakes that I regret and I take responsibility for those, but I was just a child. I never forced her into anything and I never would, I wouldn't hurt a fucking fly.

I don't know what to do. I'm so angry right now, I feel like I've been lied to. My family has been completely ripped in half and I've been blaming myself all these years. I'm afraid to talk to my parents or anyone else about my new feelings on what happened, because they might see that as regressing back into "old habits" and not let me see my siblings.

I don't know what to do. I feel trapped and completely hopeless. I can't connect with women anymore at all. I feel like I can't even tell anyone my true feelings on what happened. I'm scared I'm going to have to live like this for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I hope it was insightful at the very least.