I’ve seemed to be a people-repellant in my life for as long as I can remember. Granted, I do have Asperger’s Syndrome & according to most black girls, I have a bit of a baby face which they find cute, but still.

When I was a little kid, I used to be one of the smartest kids in class, & built my identity around that. In hindsight, I know that a lot of my peers’ interactions with me at that time were shit tests & compliance tests because I was a “little professor,” but I didn’t care at the time.

Fast forward to about 7 or 8 years old. I became conscious of all of my other weaknesses (poor motor skills, social skills, etc.) & began to believe what I saw on TV, that only jocks got the girls & that I had to be one to be popular & avoid getting bullied (hurt). I started becoming extremely self-conscious of my image, my looks, & how others perceived me. I also got glasses around this time, which were a main “nerd” tell, which I let get to me & damage my self-esteem. I also used to start throwing pity parties for myself then because consistent happiness felt so uncomfortable to me. Anyway, I turned into a tryhard, & ditched my true friends for “cool” kids who didn’t give a shit about me.

Eventually, I became a spaz that overreacted to any perceived “disrespect” & made a big show of it, to the point where I got sent to the principal’s office & detention on a daily basis through Grades 6 & 7. I also tried to act like a tough guy during those years & embarrassed myself in the process. This was also the age when guys started getting oneitis. I was afraid of showing my oneitis feelings, but people could read my body language & facial expressions like an open book, so they mercilessly taunted me when they caught me blushing at my first crushes. The bullying got so bad I mistakenly turned to PUA/the manosphere in Grade 8 to try & resolve my problems, but because of my parents’ overprotectiveness, I never got to fully apply the advice I learned from there, & ended up becoming an obnoxious Johnny Bravo caricature instead of the alpha male I should’ve been. While everyone else was out making friends easily & discovering their identities, I was trying to charm everybody, be popular, & be the “alpha.” I spectacularly failed. No one truly wanted to be my friend/date me, I fit in nowhere, & I seemed to develop a stench of loserdom & desperation that followed me into university (where the snobbishness & judgment got even worse). Granted, I rejected ALL of invitations to hang out/party because I was scared of what my parents would think (they universally banned me from having the fun experiences & going to parties except dorky special needs parties & the friends they picked for me), but still.

During this time, I also mistakenly developed an inferiority-superiority complex to my peers that was clear to them for some reason.

Anyway, all of this fuckery has led me to develop a people-repellant personality, so to speak. Everyone’s too busy to really want to be around me (no one ever meets me halfway; I have to put in all the effort to keep in touch & even then, nobody ever wants to meet with me). Girls don’t notice me. And it’s weird because everyone else can make new friends at the snap of a finger. Except for me.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everybody just seems so distant, unfeeling, & uncaring towards me; it feels like people think they’re forced to dignify what I say to them with a response instead of genuinely wanting to talk to me; this is something that apparently doesn’t exist for the rest of the human population. I don’t know if looksmaxing will solve this problem, & I don’t know how to cope. Help me.