Without telling my life story, suffice to say that even as a child I remembered things like a contextual camera, I'm shit with names, not very good at "picturing things" the way most people describe it, but I could pickup a conversation that ended a year ago as if no time had passed. In retrospect this is probably an amazing, if not socially awkward, ability; however, most of the time when it happened, because I didn't realize this was unusual, I'd be called creepy, accused of obsession, and worse.

That's why I started drinking, because, from my perspective, forgetting shit was normal.

Having the same conversation again was far more socially acceptable, however disappointing it was in the middle when I remembered. Beer was disgusting, but I grew to enjoy it. Sex was much worse, but remembering and communicating was creepy - I'm as vanilla as they come - as well, so it was for the best. Being efficient with time was even creepy - are you seeing someone else?! - but alcohol fixed that as well. For every problem, alcohol was a solution, until alcohol became the problem.

I'd say I've been rocking a six pack a night for like four years now, and it usually doesn't even get me drunk - which is nice, I generally don't enjoy being drunk - anymore. At this point, I'm over it, fuck the world, but I know what alcohol withdrawal can result in... and so now I drink out of fear. And, every morning I wake in fear of the stupid shit I might have done last night.

Being responsible makes it worse, I make sure I drink a lot of water before going to sleep, but I'm a small guy, so it takes a while, and my interest in whatever it might be - it's always something - makes everything take longer.

I've gotten to the point where the social ramifications of not drinking are gone, if only because i've become antisocial; I've gotten to the point where death from withdrawal might be relief. I was at the point where physical pain didn't matter 15 years ago, emotional pain became little more than words 5 years ago. I can't feel anything anymore, occasionally a movie will make me cry, but I can't even understand why anymore.

For any long-term subs, consider that I was /u/fuquanmccain, a highlight on the feminist hit list which was published back then... now look at me, four comments into an OP and I finally make the point I intended. I'm 26, I'm facing the biggest opportunity of my life, and I'm home alone, "celebrating" with an over-proofed six pack.