I’m about five months into my separation and wanted to share some reflections on the process and what I’ve been learning. My STBXW and I were married for 14 years and have two kids together. Our marriage had significant challenges, especially in the first five years. I cheated by messaging another woman for photos, and she had an affair as well. Our drinking was out of control back then, often finishing a fifth of liquor and going for more. After our first child was born, I had a wake-up moment while coming back from the gas station with another fifth: if I got pulled over, I could have lost everything. That’s when I decided to get sober. She continued to drink and hide it, which worsened things. She got sober about four years before filing, but the fighting never really stopped. Our oldest child would often intervene in arguments, which was heartbreaking for all of us.

Most of our fights were over small things, but they became outlets for deeper frustrations. Communication broke down, and nothing we did during arguments led to closure or acceptance. Over time, love felt absent, and marriage became more about surviving day to day than being partners. Instead of lifting each other up, we tore each other down. I never wanted a bitter divorce, and I don’t hate her. Hate feels too strong. Our marriage felt more like two friends living together for the kids and out of complacency. My filing for divorce wasn’t about anger or revenge; I simply hit a wall. I could no longer find an excuse that made sense; I felt I was losing touch with who I was. For a while I told myself I would stay until the kids moved out, but as time continued to tick, staying together until the kids moved out felt more and more unbearable.

After I filed, I found an apartment close by (within 5 minutes). I wanted to stay close for my kids. I wanted their friends to still be able to easily come over, and I didn’t want to create stress around school runs.

The first month of separation felt almost easy. I cherished time with the kids, and although I saw them less, the quality of that time improved. The quiet and peace helped me parent more calmly. But the second month hit incredibly hard. The kids were visibly affected — my son would say he wished we were all together, and nothing I said could make it easier. One evening, I went over to her house to return a forgotten blanket. I helped settle the kids for bed and saw my son sitting between us with a huge, happy smile... pure joy I hadn’t seen from him at my place since the separation. It broke me. That was the hardest I have ever cried in my life. But seeing their joy reminded me to shift my focus from guilt over the past to being fully present for them and growing into a better, stronger person. I began to confront my own failings: how I pushed her away, focused too much on work, yelled over small things, and said things I regret. Divorce is rarely one-sided, and recognizing my part was painful but necessary. Accepting my own mistakes has been critical to growing as a person and father, as well as a future partner.

Months three and four brought a mix of numbness and relief. Some days were fine; others felt heavy, but overall it became manageable. Now, five months in, I’m feeling the intensity again: guilt, sadness, and longing. Not for her specifically, but for the shared life we once had and what might have been. Thinking about future vacations with the kids brings a mix of sorrow and guilt, because she won’t be there, and I can’t help wondering how she will manage these moments.

We still see each other occasionally, mainly for dropping off the kids. Sometimes we stop by each other’s places to return forgotten items or have dinner together to give the kids a sense of normalcy. Our closest friends happen to be the neighbors at her house now, and my son’s best friends are their kids. When the kids are playing and the adults are outside, I sometimes stop by just to see the kids and catch up with friends. I never wanted this to become a war; she has been an important part of my life for 15 years.

I have tried to set her up for stability with the division of assets: I gave her the house, a new car, checking and savings accounts, and took on all debt. I’m also paying $2,000 a month in maintenance for two years. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t do this, that I need to protect my half, but money isn’t my priority. I wanted her to have stability, because her well-being is best for the kids. I also helped with her resume and applications for positions above minimum wage.

I know neither of us is perfect. I made mistakes that contributed to the downfall of our marriage, just as she did. Even with practical matters settled, the emotional side of divorce hits in waves. Some days are manageable; others are heavy and catch me off guard. Because I filed, I sometimes feel I shouldn’t feel this way... that I made a mistake... even though I know deep down that getting back together would end the same way.

I’m sharing this to get it off my chest. Even amicable separations are deeply challenging. Five months in, it’s still hard at times, and the waves of emotion can be surprising. I’m learning to navigate guilt, sadness, and longing while keeping the focus on co-parenting and what’s best for the kids. Sharing this here helps me process, and I’m grateful for the support and perspective of this community.

One day at a time.