8.1.20

I am beyond exhausted. I am so far emotionally spent right now. The Ex moved out June 15th and has proceeded with the divorce. I am overwhelmed with anger hurt frustration and to many other emotions to really describe. I bounce between angry and sad. I don’t really know how to do this. My response is nothing will ever get better but logic tells me otherwise. The problem is I think about life getting better and it overwhelms me because I can’t even process what it would look like or how it would be better.

I think maybe I would remarry and then I think about all the things I would once again have to share about the things I’ve done. So I don’t want to open up ever again to someone else. I don’t want to share who and what I am ever again and have it rejected like this. It is a visceral reaction that I have which makes me so angry that I don’t see straight. Which loops back to being lonely and sad.

The problem is in this loop I also think about the Ex asking me to come back to church. At that point a vindictive thought comes into my head about not letting her back in. Then I reason it out that it’s not vindictive. Or I come up with reasons why it’s not and why it’s me protecting myself. Then I circle back around and tell myself that she won’t ask to come back. Which is fine with me but then I’m mad because I want a chance to withhold something from her like she has for four years of marriage. Which isn’t healthy or good because that’s revenge and has nothing to do with caring for her as a person.

All of these thoughts just circle and don’t resolve.

I am supposed to be a godly man that manifests love and is growing but right now I am not.

What is Yah trying to break in me? I don’t know. I’m all honesty my response is anger and denial. I feel like this has all been nothing more than a game that he has played just to hurt me and strip me down. My thinking is not straight or even logical. My responses are emotional right now. There is not much in my response that rings true.

I have an emotional passive aggressive response that I don’t want to reach out and I don’t ever want to go into ministry because this is how his people are. They hurt and tear and destroy just for their own pleasure. Just like my Ex.

Everything inside of me just wants to cease to exist. I don’t want to open up ever again I don’t want to share I don’t want to have responsibilities. I don’t want but desperately want to have someone close in my life.

The other thoughts that run through my head are also vindictive. I want someone to ask me why I wouldn’t take her back so I can tell people who she really is. I want to expose her for what she is. Not a healthy or good thing but something ruminating inside me. I want people to know how horribly she has treated me I want people to understand the hurt and anger inside me. But that isn’t healthy or good. I should be letting go of it. Anger is about what we are not getting. Love is responding gently to the offense propagated against you.

I have a bunch of work that I have to do and not bottling up but working through and changing. Which sucks cause all I want to do is respond be be justified in my actions. When we want justification for our actions we are not functioning in love. We are having a fleshly response and one that has nothing to do with truth integrity or love.

Writing this all down is helping to process through it which is good. I will continue to write out what’s going on.

I don’t understand why my Ex is doing this or how she could interact with me the way she has. I may never know but I know that it doesn’t align with the way I do things.

How can someone just choose to treat another like trash? I know that I expended energy and effort into the marriage. I also know that I was looking for ways to delight her.

Porn is destructive and is a false release from the desires and the wants that I have inside. It is empty and offers no satisfaction. My question is this. How do I function? I am hurt and angry at the desire that has led me to marry someone that offers nothing. Is willing to give nothing. And really only cares about herself.

So being married doesn’t fulfill the desire that is inside of me and offers no contentment. In my experience marriage is destructive and the best way to drive someone to suicide. It is not the institution of marriage though but rather the individual that one chooses. I chose poorly and am reaping the benefits of that choice.

When I choose my Ex I choose her because she was pretty and went to the same church as me and had energy and passion. I didn’t know her from Eve. She was unwilling to love though not incapable. She is a narcissist that has no room for anyone but herself and her wants. What drew me to that kind of person?

So freaking angry right now. All I want to do is just quiet. Everything. I just want to be done but I know that won’t do anything. I am just overwhelmed and angry and sad. I am stressed and moving and selling the house. Dealing with not talking to my Ex and not wanting to talk to my Ex and wanting nothing more than to curl up next to her. It is so confusing and hard knowing that what I want I can’t have.

I hate change and I hate starting over. Most of all I think I hate the fact that I failed. I hate the embarrassment of just utterly failing and failing big. It’s hitting insecurity in me and really making me uncomfortable.

I am just rambling really but rather put it out on paper than keep it in.

I never wanted to be divorced and I never wanted to have an Ex. I never wanted my Ex to be such a tool but she is. I am fairly sure she’s been sleeping with someone else for the last six months or so. In December she told me she was back into porn. She didn’t really apologize or repent she just told me she was back in porn. She had refused to sleep with me for five months at that point and rather than turn to me she went to porn.

I should have never spoken to her. I never she have pursued her at all. I know that now but hindsight is 20/20. My single greatest regret is speaking to her.

Yes there are things that I did wrong in the marriage and I know that I messed up but if I had never spoken to her I would be so much better. I am trying to blame the whole thing in her and meeting her because I don’t know what is supposed to come from this and that makes me angry. I don’t know what this means for the future and that scares me. I don’t know what this means for my marital choices in the future and this makes me uncomfortable. In myself I don’t ever want to get married ever again. Though that is pain speaking. I don’t like looking at myself and figuring out the mess inside of me. I know I need to but I don’t like to.

I am so angry and disgusted at the fact that I let this happen that I allowed desire masquerading as love into my life. I am furious that I was created with desire and that desire is strong and that desire has lead me and directed my footsteps.

I know my Ex never loved me. She pretended to love me to get what she wanted. That’s part of what’s so hard about this is when people say she loved you they never really knew her. She loved the power she had over me. She never loved me. She loved the attention she got but could care less about me. She loved the money she got from marrying me but it could have been any individual. She would just as soon kill me as she would shake my hand. The only thing that kept her from doing that was she would be caught and tried. She doesn’t want to be seen as being a bad person but she doesn’t care about being a bad person. She wants to look good and seem good but doesn’t care how she treats people.