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MyNewNormal808 Archive

View 33 posts and 270 comments by MyNewNormal808 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
43

MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men02/03/21 03:45 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men13/07/21 05:08 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 09:17 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men03/07/20 01:22 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men16/07/20 11:05 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 10:43 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men04/02/21 10:36 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men10/03/21 07:26 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 02:31 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men22/08/20 05:19 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 12:16 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men11/09/20 08:43 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men22/07/22 09:06 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men25/01/21 09:18 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men29/09/20 06:25 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men06/09/20 12:11 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men30/09/20 08:56 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men22/02/21 02:50 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 08:16 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men28/03/20 08:43 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men02/09/20 11:39 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 09:50 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men09/05/20 06:52 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 06:19 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men20/11/20 10:41 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 01:38 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men26/11/20 08:47 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men25/10/20 09:11 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 10:57 PM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men31/03/20 12:23 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 10:39 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men26/08/20 07:52 AM
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MyNewNormal808/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 07:34 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Not sure if this applies, but once we got close to a finalize agreement of "who gets what" regarding investments, accounts, etc., I paid to have a divorce accountant (I didn't know there was such a thing until my boss told me about it) to go over the proposed agreement. He looked at it and said it was a good agreement which gave me the peace of mind that I wasn't getting the short end of a deal when signing it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 11:21 AM
6

If you were in a bad car accident and hurt badly, would you try to immediately try to run a marathon? No, you would take the time to heal and recover. It would also hurt like hell, but you wouldn't give up on walking, would you? You need to take the time to recover from the emotional version of being hit by a Mac truck and breaking most of your bones. Take the time to heal emotionally by working on yourself. Go hit the gym, pray/meditate/etc., find a hobby/skills you can immerse yourself in. By …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:17 PM
1

I felt the same way. I wasn't the best husband and felt like I could fix the marriage if she gave me a chance. I felt like I let my life go without realizing it and couldn't do anything about it. I was pretty down in the dumps every day. It wasn't until my 11-year-old daughter said to me, "she's over you, you need to get over her." Damn, wisdom from the mouth of babes. At that point I set in my mind that I did everything I could do about the marriage and needed to get on with my life. One other …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:02 PM
5

Amen brother. I used, “Everything will be alright” and even bought a sign that said that and put it on my door so I saw it every time I left my apartment. It took me a long time but it proved true. I’m not living my best life (there are times I miss being in a relationship. Just haven’t found the right person and not looking either) but way better than the misery of going through separation and divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 10:43 AM
1

You’ll be ok. Not sure of your situation but for me it was getting back into dating and gaining confidence. Once that happened, things have been good. A lot of single women are out there. They just don’t advertise it. I had many situations where it seemed we’re just socially talking but when I ask to go on a date, You see them look at you differently. It’s like “oh, you’re interested in me?”
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 11:00 PM
2

I was in almost the exact situation (20 yr marriage kids in the tweener ages, all activities were with her side, etc). Here’s my advice: 1) don’t idolize your STBX. I felt the same way of “she was my soulmate” but later came to the realization that I was seeing the newlywed bride of 20 yrs ago and not the bitter person she was now. Once I did that it was easier to move on. 2) build your support network. I lost not only my marriage but most of my so called friends that went to Team STBX. I took t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 10:46 PM
5

I wanted to co-parent, she didn't. We do things separately (e.g. birthdays, holidays, etc.) I'll go to the kids games, events, etc., but I don't sit with the ex. A lot of coordination via texts on who gets the kids for what holidays, who's taking who to the game, etc. Not what I wanted but I just deal with it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 10:44 PM
5

It's been 2 yrs since the divorce and 3.5 since seperating. I Just broke up with a woman that I dated for just over a year. I had a lot of questions about the relationship (not sure if she and I were compatible) and she wanted more. I can honestly say that I am gun shy on fully committed. I'd much rather keep things low key.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 10:37 PM
3

Unless you look like Brad Pitt and over 6', I'd skip OLD. it's a meat market full of scammers and mediocre women thinking they deserve the top 1% of men just because. I had way more success doing in person social activities (e.g. intramural sports, meetups, volunteering, etc.) It's a way to improve yourself and meet people (friends and potential dates) in a low stress environment. Women can get to know you without the high expectations on OLD. Good luck brother.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 10:33 PM
2

From what I’ve read/heard/experienced, by the time a woman files for divorce, she’s been thinking about it for months and has her mind made up. By trying to reconcile, it just emboldens her and convinces her hat she’s doing the right thing. Don’t fight the uncontested divorce. Protect your assets the best you can. Get through the divorce and go live your best life. Improve yourself, do the things you wanted to do but couldn’t (first thing I did after moving out was buying a new 75” HDTV that the…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 11:54 AM
1

Oh no. No more marriages for me.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 10:23 AM
1

Thanks. Good advice and perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 08:16 PM
1

I have kids, but they're older (ones out of the house and the other is in high school and lives with her mom).
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 08:14 PM
1

I wouldn’t start anything that needs your attention. My divorce was relatively easy and I still had trouble sleeping, thinking, working, etc. My boss went through a divorce and cut me a lot of slack. I wouldn’t start your restaurant until your through divorce process and stabilize emotionally, mentally, financially. By the way if you start a restaurant now while you’re still married doesn’t it mean that it’s a marital asset which she’ll get a part of? Need to consult a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 08:59 AM
1

It definitely gets better if you want it to be. I figured that I can’t change the past so I got to do things to make my future better.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 09:06 AM
1

Been really busy at work and mixed up the days. Didn’t realize it until I got in the car and saw that I missed it by an hour.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 08:59 AM
1

Work has been really busy and I mixed up the days.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 08:57 AM
2

I read somewhere that by the time a woman decides to divorce, she has been thinking about it for awhile and has her mind made up. I have my doubts that even if I did the improvements while I was married it would have saved it. In a strange way, Im kind of glad for this divorce. Im starting to date and flirt with women, made new friends that aren’t involved with my kids activities, and starting to feel the self-confidence that I used to have when I was in college.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 09:40 AM
2

Well that was the epiphany I had. Yes, I should have used the time I spent wasting it on video games, etc. to improve myself. According to a book I’m reading right now, Atomic Habits, humans tend to go for the immediate gratification that may be of little value vice delayed gratification which would be worth more. When you’re in a loveless marriage and you’re depressed, you go for what gives you a little boost right then hence video games, drinking, etc. As I said, it wasn’t until I realized tha…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 09:32 AM
2

Good to hear that that things are getting better for you brother. Keep up the good work!
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/21 09:14 AM
6

This is when I got over pining for my then STBXW. I was like you, desperately trying to figure out how to live without her love. I was trying everything to reconcile. I was miserable. One day, I had to go back to my old office to retrieve some files they needed. For some reason I looked at my browser history and it was full of searches like “what to do when you’re in a loveless marriage.” At that point I realized that Even back before she told me she wanted a divorce that I already knew we were …
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/21 08:28 AM
10

Yup. The silence was what used to get to me. Too many questions, thoughts, doubts kept popping in my head. I found that playing music really helped me and my portable Bluetooth speaker became my constant companion in the apartment. Now I don’t need the musics and comfortable being in silence.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/21 03:18 AM
3

Looks really good. I keep myself pretty busy with activities and now find myself cherishing the nights that it’s just me where I can cook something good just for me and truly relax and enjoy it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/21 06:35 AM
4

I can tell you what my lawyer advised me. The ex and I were trying to settle things amicably and without lawyers. He said that was fine, but if we hit an issue that couldn't be easily resolved, stop and go to mediation. I was looking at 6-10K for mediation because my lawyer said that with our situation, we needed really good mediators and not the cheap ones. The two that he, and also my boss who went through mediation, advised were former court judges. He also said that going to court was the la…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/21 08:47 AM
4

It'll be a rollercoaster for a while. You'll feel a big weight off your shoulders, but then getting used to your new life can be frustrating and depressing sometimes. For me, I started dating once the divorce was finalized. It's a new world out there. I've also been hanging out with a group of people who is about 20 years younger than me. Thank the Lord that I'm in pretty good shape and can keep up with them. Whatever you do, don't stop moving forward with whatever you're doing. Steady progress …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/21 06:51 AM
2

Always consult with a lawyer in your area. I can only speak about what happened in my case and what I learned in Hawaii which is a communal property state. Any debt/assets incurred in the marriage (no matter who signs for it ) is a joint debt/asset. Investments from before the marriage is not counted as marital assets. The house is a tricky one., but I would guess since the mortgage was paid during the marriage, it is considered as a marital asset and subject to division. Again, best to consult …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 09:51 AM
2

I wasted time and money on counseling when the ex said she would try it but wasn’t committed. If she isn’t committed, and it sounds like she’s not, just end it. Yes, divorce is painful but I’m glad it happened. I’m in better shape mentally, emotionally, physically, (ok not financially but one day). Sounds like you’re going the same way. Life is too short to try to salvage a marriage by yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 09:09 AM
1

Check with your state. If you don’t want to hire a lawyer, many courts/lawyers host a divorce 101 class to go over the basics. In my state it’s 50/50. They try to divide the assets and debts 50/50 as long as it was acquired during the marriage. I think there are guidelines for spousal support based on the income each makes. We were able to negotiate the division of assets. She got the houses and I got to keep my retirements. The accounts were split in half. Be aware that even though we started a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/21 08:29 AM
4

What’s interesting is that I’ve been out with a number of people who always tell me that they have had better ______ at _____. I think when they do that, they already downgrade the present meal/experience/etc. and by default have a poor experience. Ive been trying to savor what I have right now. “This is the best hamburger that I’m eating right now.”
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/21 04:06 AM
10

Like most, I married my best friend that probably knew me better than I knew myself. The problem is that that friendship faded away and we became roommates that raised our kids. We didn’t do things unless it was for the kids. Even our “date nights” conversations were about the kids. When she told me she wanted a divorce 3 years ago. I was devastated. Later, after a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and work, I realized that my best friend left me years ago. At that point I decided that I was done…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/21 09:44 AM
1

Isn’t that the ironic thing about marriage and kids. You think you found the one that will stay with “till death do you part.” You let yourself go (so did she) and then she wants a divorce. Oh well, that’s all in the past.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/21 06:26 PM
1

Yup, I got a polo shirt that has a 2011 race date on it. It’s hard to give it up but my friend is like, “it looks like you’re trying to impress someone with a race you did a decade ago.”
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 04:09 PM
1

I posted a similar note previously and you should have seen some of the responses. I ha pd to take it down because people missed the point I was making for a small detail.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/21 04:06 PM
1

It gets better with time. Divorce is an exhausting process and the emotional roller coaster drains you. Use the time to exercise. It’ll help you emotionally to deal with the stress, get you into physical shape that will help when you’re ready to start dating, and it’ll build up your resilience. Above all, stay calm and don’t act out of anger (you will get pissed during the antics that her lawyer with go through). Don’t be a pushover when negotiations but know what you’re willing to give up to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 08:45 AM
1

It gets better with time. Divorce is an exhausting process and the emotional roller coaster drains you. Use the time to exercise. It’ll help you emotionally to deal with the stress, get you into physical shape that will help when you’re ready to start dating, and it’ll build up your resilience. Above all, stay calm and don’t act out of anger (you will get pissed during the antics that her lawyer with go through). Don’t be a pushover when negotiations but know what you’re willing to give up to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 08:45 AM
2

It gets better with time. Divorce is an exhausting process and the emotional roller coaster drains you. Use the time to exercise. It’ll help you emotionally to deal with the stress, get you into physical shape that will help when you’re ready to start dating, and it’ll build up your resilience. Above all, stay calm and don’t act out of anger (you will get pissed during the antics that her lawyer with go through). Don’t be a pushover when negotiations but know what you’re willing to give up to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/21 08:43 AM
4

Dude. I would 1) get a lawyer ASAP. 2) get back into the house and stay there. If she wants the divorce and be apart from you, she can leave. If you want the divorce, you can still stay in the house. I fell for that BS that it's the man that leaves. I lost having 50/50 custody of the kids and had to buy all new things for the apartment while she kept everything.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/21 05:52 AM
4

Congrats dude. Yup, we're not the same as when we were in our 20s. Definitely need to step up the cardio. Still, you got experience and knowledge that can compensate for going into beast mode of your 20s. In my youth, it was all about my needs. Now, it's all about the woman's needs. Good luck brother.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/21 05:47 AM
1

Are you doing this because you think she’ll forgive you and take you back? Don’t fool yourself. If a woman says she wants a divorce, she’s thought about it and it’s most likely final. She going to take all that she gets from you, find some other guy and move on with her life with you paying her bills. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. She hurt and her lawyer is going to take everything he/she can get from you. They’re hired guns who do this for a living while you’re opening up your wallet as a …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 08:08 AM
1

Dude. You feel bad now and want to atone by committing financial suicide. What happens later when you are looking to get a new place to live, find a girlfriend, want to get a new car or go on a vacation. State guidelines are already biased toward the wife you don’t have to go overboard. Get a good lawyer now otherwise you’ll be kicking yourself later for being duped by them. The divorce process is hard enough under the best conditions. You don’t have to punish yourself more. I agreed to paying 1…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 07:56 AM
1

See edit
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/21 06:36 AM
1

Not in this case.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/21 06:36 AM
1

One thing I learned is that everything is negotiable. This account is in the gray area.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/21 08:38 AM
1

Her lawyer was the bad one.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/21 08:36 AM
1

I got a queen. I'm used to having the space to roll around and make "sheet angels" if I want. As someone else said, even if you're not in a relationship now, doesn't mean that you won't ever have one.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/21 06:44 AM
3

Glad to hear it brother. It does seem to be a long tunnel, but there is an end. Enjoy the next chapter of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/21 08:11 AM
3

You don’t need a lawyer if both of you are amicable, agree on the division of assets, etc. My lawyer actually advised me to try and settle things by ourselves if it was possible. Do your research on what needs to be done for your state. If you two start to disagree on the arrangements, stop and go find a lawyer. In fact it doesn’t hurt to find a lawyer now. Many will do a consult for free or for their hourly rate.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 08:34 AM
2

I have the kids every other weekend (I tried for 50/50 custody but would have had to go to court and really poisoned the relationship with the ex). I have them this weekend and we’re having pizza and a movie, watching their sports races, and a hike. So, yes it was. I could have been depressed, been a loner holed up in my place, mad at the world, but instead I accepted my situation, adapted to it, and made the best with what I have.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/21 09:56 AM
2

I’ve been always trying to be cordial to her for the sake of the kids. There’s a bitterness to her even though she got most of the things she wanted in the decree. I think She’s realizing that the house isn’t as easy to maintain as she thought it was. I was the one doing repairs, dealing with contractors, etc. I wonder how long the neighbor’s husband is going to be nice and play Mr Fixit. Maybe that’s why she was in the sports bra and leggings. I doubt my ex would go for it (who knows?) but I’m …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/21 05:37 AM
3

You’ve studied the relationship and it’s clear you need to leave. It’s scary but the thing you fear the most is being alone. At 35 you’re still young and have plenty of time to find someone else that will love you and treat you the way you deserve. The issue is that you need to find your courage to stick up for yourself and do what you know has to be done. BTW you need to work on yourself. From your words, you’ve taken a beating and need to heal and find your true self and independence again. Un…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/21 06:05 PM
1

Your marriage is trashed. You are not faithful to your wife and she does not trust you. Can you recover? Maybe but it’ll be hard., if not impossible. You demonstrated that when things got difficult you reverted back to looking for support from another woman. Get a divorce and let your wife a true love and husband. Yes, she will probably get half of you assets and you will have to pay child support and maybe alimony. It sucks but that’s the bed you made. Time to sleep in it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/21 08:39 PM
3

Dude. I feel for you. Ditto on what all the other commenters wrote. Special occasions like her BDay, VDay, etc. where there's nothing else going on really suck. You need to just accept that is sucks, accept for what it is, and move on. One quote that I came up with (and still refining) is "If you're trapped in the past, you'll never appreciate the present, and won't look toward the future." Another saying that I wrote on my white board and looked at every morning and night was "She's over you, y…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/21 07:25 PM
3

It's tough. Divorce is an emotional roller coaster. Key is to get looking forward. Remember you can't go back to the past. This happen, adjust, and keep on moving forward. As the other guy said, build your support network. That's your family of friends that you can rely on when you help (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.) If you don't have a good support network, start building one. This forum is a great place to vent, ask questions, etc. It helped me when I could scream at my…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/21 08:32 AM
4

Dude. Counseling is a waste of time and money unless both of you wants to make the marriage work out. If either of you are iffy (and it sounds like both of you are) then save your money until both of you discuss it and decide that both of you want to get back together. Women are different. They can go without sex (with a man) for years. Their sex drive in a marriage goes down significantly and they don't see sex as a way of expressing love like many men do. I'm sure there are exceptions, but fro…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/21 02:05 AM
1

I've been where you're at. You looking at a divorce in your future. It took me a while to figure out what to do with myself. A lot of my hobbies (e.g. woodworking, home repair/improvement, etc.) disappeared when I left the house. Once I figured out my finances and saw how much I could spend on hobbies, I started trying them out (this was pre-covid). I did an scuba discovery dive (it was on my bucket list) which led to me getting open water certified (just prior to lockdown so I have to go back a…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/21 07:29 PM
1

The best are ones that fit naturally to the situation. I don't ride the bus so I can't tell you what would fit that situation. For example, I was at a Starbucks waiting for my drink. The barista calls out a name and leaves the drink right there on the counter. I lean toward a woman standing near me and say, "Do you think some people just grab the drink and run?" That made her laugh and say, "I was just thinking about that." I then followed it up with "If I did that, it'll probably be a combinati…
/r/seduction10/02/21 07:05 PM
23

Don’t beat yourself up. So you missed an opportunity. Learn from it and be ready for the next one. If it helps, have some general questions ready just in case. It can be anything as long as it get the conversation started. If she’s interested in talking she’ll respond.
/r/seduction10/02/21 10:28 AM
8

Sounds like a success my friend. I'm happy for you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/21 04:44 AM
1

Dude. I'm sorry that you feel crushed, but don't do it. This isn't the movies where just because you like her, she's going to break the engagement and run away with you. Besides, even if she does, do you want to spend the rest of the relationship wondering when she's going to run away with the next guy that is attracted to her?
/r/seduction10/02/21 01:29 AM
4

Sounds to me that getting the divorce is what you want and need. Get a good lawyer and in the divorce decree you can negotiate to have you're property that you owned prior to the marriage sent back to you. As for the other marital assets (the furniture, electronics, things you bought during the marriage, etc.) Hawaii is a 50/50 state. That means that they try to divide things equally. It may be she owes you half of the monetary market value of the stuff she has in her possession. Also, not sure …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/21 10:10 PM
1

Tough one. On one hand, I understand the emotional bind talking to a STBXW can get you in. It sounds like you're in a good place now an that chat threatens to send you back on the emotional rollercoaster. On the other hand, you're still in the divorce process, have kids, etc. I was there too. For me, every time I talked to her, I was messed up when I came home. Thoughts of "does she want to reconcile?" "Am I doing the right thing?" "WTF just happened?" would haunt me. Finally, I got it in my hea…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/21 09:11 PM
2

You need to talk to a lawyer in your area as divorce laws are different in different areas. In my state, it's a 50/50 state where they try to divide marital assets in half. I didn't have to pay alimony since we make similar income. For child care, there are a set formula where you plug in you income, # of kids, % of time you share for the kids, etc. and out pops the recommended amount. It does not take into account your bills, high cost of living, etc. I've seen child support exceed the net inco…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/21 05:10 AM
2

Get rid of it and buy yourself something that you wanted to replace it. For me, it was a 75" TV. When I was married, I wanted to upgrade the 65" we had in our living room but she didn't want to since it would stick out of the entertainment by 1". First thing I bought when I got my new place was the new TV. With covid, watching TV, movies, YouTube, playing video games, etc. on it has been keeping entertained and happy. Best thing I've bought.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/21 08:55 AM
3

If she gets a lawyer worth his/her salt, they'll find your accounts and the courts will not look kindly on you. One thing to check, my state does not count assets that are brought into the marriage as marital assets (e.g. I had investments that I had prior to the marriage, I was able to deduct the value of that investment as of the month prior to our marriage from the total amount of investments we had). I also received a number of monetary gifts from my parents (= $XXK) that were also not count…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/21 08:28 AM
1

Sorry dude. My advise is to get a good lawyer and see what you can do about the situation. Each state is different so a lawyer will help you figure out what the plan should be. You might be able to show that she had a job prior to filing for divorce...idk that's where a lawyer will help. Also, find a therapist. You need someone to talk to about your relationships, problems, issues, etc. A therapist will help. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/21 10:22 AM
3

This is hard. First, sex is important in a marriage. Did you feel this way before the marriage? If so, what made you marry her? What about her doesn’t make her sexual attractive to you? Is it something you both can work on? Is she sexually attracted to you? It almost sounds like you two got married for convenience. If there is a chance of fixing the marriage. I would encourage you to fix it. Divorce it tough, painful, and difficult. It can wreak you financially, emotionally, and physically. Seco…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/21 04:19 AM
1

I looked at Stitch Fix but Hawaii is a lot more casual than the mainland. Their recommendations make you look like a tourist trying to fit in.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/21 01:43 AM
2

We made similar salaries so no alimony. 😀
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/21 01:41 AM
1

It's all good. We all need the success stories to keep the hope alive. I'm pretty lucky (sort of) that I'm at a place where when I'm missing a woman, it's not my ex I longing for.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/21 10:39 PM
2

Congrats. Life is good, but be aware that getting totally used to your new life will throw some curve balls at you. There's nothing you can't handle, but real life isn't just rainbows and unicorns. I just caught a cold, but with covid (I have to go in for testing and been put on 10 day quarantine), it had me thinking about how I no longer have the wife there to help me. It worried me a little, but I also realized that I'm still good since I have friends/family that will help me out (e.g. get med…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/21 07:52 PM
1

I worried too that I would become the “guy who only talks about his problems.” But that’s where having a therapist helps. In the beginning the weekly sessions really helped me out. Also going to support groups for divorce where you’ll find that there’s others going through the same thing. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one made me feel better. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 09:49 PM
1

I worried too that I would become the “guy who only talks about his problems.” But that’s where having a therapist helps. In the beginning the weekly sessions really helped me out. Also going to support groups for divorce where you’ll find that there’s others going through the same thing. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one made me feel better. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 09:49 PM
1

I worried too that I would become the “guy who only talks about his problems.” But that’s where having a therapist helps. In the beginning the weekly sessions really helped me out. Also going to support groups for divorce where you’ll find that there’s others going through the same thing. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one made me feel better. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 09:49 PM
1

I worried too that I would become the “guy who only talks about his problems.” But that’s where having a therapist helps. In the beginning the weekly sessions really helped me out. Also going to support groups for divorce where you’ll find that there’s others going through the same thing. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one made me feel better. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 09:49 PM
1

Check with lawyer on your situation. For me, I make more with my military retirement, but not overwhelming so. For us there was no alimony. What I understand, the courts do not take into account of potential only what’s real now. So if an STBXW doesn’t work but can work, the court will just go with the premise that she’s unemployed. You could make an argument that based her education level, past employment, etc, that alimony should be limited to reasonable amount of time so she can get back into…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 05:31 PM
3

Totally agree with the OP. If you allow it, the system will mess you up, I was able to get through my divorce spending less than $1K on a lawyer. How? I did a lot of research, did the negotiating on my own, and only used my lawyer to answer my questions and do a final review of the decree to make sure there wasn’t any landmines. The key is both you and the ex being amicable. She wanted the divorce and as such agreed to many , but not all of my conditions. The big ones was custody of the kids (I …
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 05:22 PM
4

You need to talk to someone. During my “dark days” I thought about if life was worth living. I was lucky that I called the VA crisis line and just talking to someone helped. I was also able to get counseling at the VA. It really does help. One thing I realize going through the divorce is that once the woman says she wants a divorce, she’s made up her mind and probably won’t change. Once I got that, I stopped trying to reconcile and put my attention on getting myself in order; mentally, physicall…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/21 10:24 AM
9

I admit that my divorce was relatively drama free, but there were times... During the hard times what kept me going is hope. I kept looking toward the future of when I was single again, when I won’t feel the pain and sadness, when I possibly find someone that will appreciate me for me. I wrote on a white board near my bed “You will get through this” “She’s over you, you need to get over her” and “Everything is going to be all right.” I looked at those lines every night before bed and every morni…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/21 08:57 AM
5

I’m not a lawyer and my state had CS guidelines. As part of the negotiations with the ex, I agreed to her having the kids most of the time, but I would pay her a much lower CS than what the state guidelines listed. She has a well paying job so it wouldn’t be a problem for her. We had to put it in the divorce decree and justify why she could do without the full CS amount. Both of our lawyers said that judges tend to accept what both parties agreed to.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/21 10:38 AM
1

We live apart. Funny thing. We received 2 checks from the IRS (normally it direct deposited into the bank account). The bank only accepted 1 of the 2 even though I was the only one that signed both.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 09:43 PM
10

The blame game is a major theme in the divorce process. Some blame themselves, others blame their partner. The reality is that once you’re divorced, it really doesn’t matter. It helps a lot if you reflected on the marriage and divorce and figure out what went wrong so you can apply those lessons to your life and next relationship. There was a lot I could have done years prior that could have made our marriage stronger but there’s nothing I can do about it other that do better the next time and l…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 09:36 AM
1

Also, check the laws in your area. I found this article Age A Child Can Be Left Home Alone by State 2020 (worldpopulationreview.com)
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 10:36 PM
6

I think it depends on you and are you ready to date. If you're still thinking about your ex, then it's not fair to the other person (unless they understand that it's just sex and no future). The rebound relationship is something that some people want to help get over the divorce. I believe in karma and avoided that. Instead I waited until I was completely over the ex and was in a solid place emotionally, mentally, physically. No one wants to date a person that still has baggage or red flags from…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 10:11 PM
1

As you get closer to the negotiated deal, find a financial accountant that specializes in divorce cases. They can look at it and run the numbers to see if you're being screwed or not. In my case, even with having to pay extra cash now, he said I would be ok since the ex's lawyer under-realized the value of my retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 09:49 PM
3

These recommendations are spot on. I was lucky and able to get through my divorce amicably which has help all of us (me, ex, kids) get through this in good shape. Even when things were getting heated, we would remove ourselves from the kids and "discuss" it. Never fight or bad mouth the ex in front of the kids. They still love their mom. #4 was the hardest to me because I believe in fairness and negotiated deal was tilted in her favor for short-term gains (e.g. house, etc.) while was for long-te…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 09:47 PM
2

I was in a similar situation. I got to keep the investments in my name and my retirements. She got the properties and house. There was one remaining issue of paying half of the cap gains while she got all of the profits. In the end I calculated that it was cheaper to accept it vs paying my lawyer to go fight it out in court for a risky judgement from a stranger. Funny thing, right after the divorce was settled, she has to get the house tented for termites and put on a new roof.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 09:14 AM
3

My divorce was similar. I think men tend to feel the responsibility of the divorce. I did, but with time, counseling, and reflection, I realize that it was both our fault for letting each other drift apart and that while I was ready and willing to do everything to reconcile, she was not. It take two to make it work. As such, I stopped feeling like I was the one most at fault and concentrated on becoming a better person. Yes, it was rough at the start, but once I got my own place, I stopped think…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/21 09:07 AM
6

First thing, calm down. Divorce is a long process and freaking out doesn't help. Start collecting evidence to support your side and disprove hers (texts, emails, recordings, etc.). You need to be able to cut through the emotional attacks and be rational all the time. She has you (and your kids) once you lose your cool and do something stupid. If you haven't done so, start figuring out what's important to you and her so you can start negotiating the decree. The quickest and cheapest way to get th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/21 08:25 AM
4

I'm recently divorced and enjoying myself. Lots of freedom, in a better mental/emotional/physical shape, just got into online dating, vaccine coming out so I see a light at the end of the covid tunnel, etc. Still, I'm an advocate for repairing the marriage if there's a chance. If my ex wanted to work it out before the divorce, I would have done it. What would I have changed? I would have made sure that my ex wanted to work it out because of me and not the kids. We would have to work on getting b…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/21 01:50 AM
3

What does your divorce decree say about extra curricular education. We have joint custody so these major decision are up to us to decide. If I agree, I pay 50% (same as what I pay for their other education costs). If I don't, she has the option to pay for it all herself. She can't make a unilateral decision and force me to pay 50%.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/21 01:36 AM
1

Can’t speak for anyone else but for the first 10 years we had a good marriage. Loving, fun, great family times. As the kids grew older, their activities (school, sports, Scouting, etc) took over the family schedule. Date nights ( when we had them, were just dinners where we talked about the kids). We slowly became loveless roommates. The lack of intimacy sparked some big fights. It was during one of them that she said she wanted a divorce. You would have thought that I would have seen this comin…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/21 08:52 AM
2

My divorce was finalized in December also. Like you, I’m in a better place and a better person. To a fantastic 2021.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/21 08:56 AM
3

Your situation is a lot like mine and a lot like many other men. I too felt like it was my fault and that if given a second chance I could fix things. In the end, once my ex had it in her mind that she wanted a divorce, it was final. I realize that she had been thinking about it for months, maybe years. While I also felt she was my best friend, I understand that the rules have changed. We went from loving couple, to happy parents, to in the routine sex every few weeks, to roommates that slept in…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/21 08:51 AM
2

LOL, now I do Bed Angels also. Why? Because I can.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 09:34 PM
1

For me, even though my marriage failed, I always advocate to try repair the marriage. Divorce sucks (and mine was pretty amicable). While I was separated, I read the 5 Love Languages and wished I had read it before she said she wanted a divorce. A lot of the examples in that book could have been written about my marriage. Prior to the divorce declaration, I felt like I was in a loveless marriage and depressed. Could I have used some of the techniques from the book to revive the marriage? I don't…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 09:25 PM
3

It depends on your kids' ages, emotional stability, your relationship with them, etc. My kids are teenagers. I got a solid relationship with them. They've adjusted to the divorce well (good grades, good attitudes (for teenagers), etc.) For me, I would take the job knowing that my nightly goodnight calls would continue and that we could adapt to this new schedule. If the kids were young, already had issues from the divorce, etc, I would have second thoughts. BUT one thing to remember is that befo…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 09:14 PM
3

I just went thought an "amicable" divorce. I mean that we can still talk to each other (not friends though). The initial plan was for us to meet and discuss what we wanted and come up and fill out the divorce decree template that we had. Afterward we would show it to our lawyers to make sure that we weren't screwing each other out of something. That didn't work. After a few sessions, her lawyer convinced the ex that she was too nice and would give up too much. After that I received a draft divor…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/21 09:02 PM
2

My lawyer advised me to settle out of court. Since we were amicable, he said to settle it ourselves and save the time and money. If we couldn’t agree on something, go to mediation. Last resort was court. The last issue that I was fighting would cost me $9K. Mediation is $6-10K, lawyer is $350/hr. Time wise it’s a 2-3 month process once we get mediation dates. Did some quick math and realized that I’ll be spending more just to not pay the $9K. Decided it’s not worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/21 08:59 AM
2

Funny. I do the same thing but it’s more because I’m used to close to the nightstand where I keep my phone, etc. I can just open one eye to see what time it is. I’m getting a new headboard at the end of the month so maybe I’ll move stuff so I’ll be able to sleep in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/21 08:52 AM
2

2 teenagers. The great thing is that they adapted well. Nice thing about those 2 is that they’re each other’s best friend. As long as their together, they’re perfectly fine. Made things so much easier.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 08:17 PM
3

The nice thing of the divorce in Dec 2020 is that I now see 2021 as the start of the next great chapter of my life. Funny thing, I got the email yesterday, woke this morning and as I walked past the mirror I was like “damn, I can see my abs.” I guess all the workouts are paying off. 😁
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 08:14 PM
4

Yup. Doing good. Accepted it, grieved, moved on. Now the nitty gritty parts to finalize the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 08:07 PM
3

My ex’s lawyer also made a lot of BS demands. They are negotiating points. I called her out a lot of them and laid out the logic behind it. If we had going to mediation/court, it would have been my logic vs her weird demands. I think she relented on about 80% of the issues. Some like custody arrangements, she won but in hindsight, it might be a good thing since I get to be fun weekend Dad that takes them hiking, camping, beach, etc. while she got the day to day duties. Good luck and hang in ther…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 08:02 PM
2

The lucky part is my kids are teenagers and adjusted to the new normal. The ex and I are cordial and both made compromises to get to the decree terms we could agree on. I was going to fight the last contentious issue but decided to just swallow my pride and just agree with it so we could finish it and move on. Good luck to you on your divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 07:56 PM
3

Doesn’t look like there is any way your marriage is coming back from this. Get back into the house. You own half of it. Even if she calls the cops, you have a legal right to be there if your name is on the mortgage. The police will say this is a civil matter and leave since no crime has been committed. Don’t do anything stupid like get violent, bring a weapon, etc. I would secretly record any interaction that happens in case she decides to make something up. If your wife wants a divorce, she can…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/21 10:50 AM
2

If you have a child, you need to prepare for the fact that you Will no longer be her primary focus. Since the child will be her focus, you’ll be expected to do everything for the child and her otherwise you’ll be labeled as lazy, selfish, etc. and be blamed for how tired, frustrated, irritated she is. All her friends and mother will agree with her. If your marriage is on the rocks, this won’t help.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/21 05:49 AM
3

The hard part is stop thinking about your ex. I went through the majority of our separation hoping we would reconcile. I convinced myself that I could win her back if I was a better husband. In the end, I realized that we were not getting back. Once I accepted it and started looking toward the future, things got easier for me. I’m at the point where I met other women and realize that while OLD sucks, feeling that thrill of meeting someone new is a wonderful thing. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/21 08:49 AM
4

For me, I was told by my ex that she wanted a divorce. We separated about 4 months later. I have two teenagers. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of divorcing her for about a year after the separation. I remember talking to my daughter about how she was feeling about the divorce. I was talking about how things weren't working out between me and the ex when my daughter said, "I think she's over you." At that point I understood that there was not reconciliation possible and that I needed to move …
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/21 09:00 AM
3

I’m happier but in a different way then some of the others. My ex is a nice person. We just fell out of love and drifted apart. The divorce is amicable. I’m happier because through this process I’ve been working to improve myself. I’m getting into shape, have a better outlook on life, have time to get back to my hobbies, enjoying meeting new women, etc. Sadly it took a divorce to kick my but into gear but I’m better and happier for it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/21 06:33 AM
3

I recommend you get to know what’s involved with the divorce process in your state. My state offered a free divorce 101 session to go over the basic facts. The lawyer I chose gave me a more in depth explanation of what the process is. A lawyer will also be able to look at your situation and give you advise. For example I wanted 50/50 custody. My ex wanted me to only have every other weekend. My lawyer told me the judge will heavily weigh my teenage kids wishes. Due to Covid, the kids were stayin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/20 12:53 PM
1

Stand Up Paddleboard.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/20 11:58 AM
5

I like women that can hang with me wether I’m doing long hikes, SUP, or other activities. Most of the women that can keep up are fit and that’s what attracts me. I would get bored with someone that isn’t active.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/20 09:44 AM
4

The problem is that you're thinking of your ex in terms of the good times with her. That's what I did and it made me miserable. It wasn't till I gave up all hope of getting back to those times and realizing that it had been years since she truly cared about me or showed me any affection. During the covid lockdown I became very comfortable with myself. I discovered that I didn't need anyone else to make me happy. I had hobbies, TV/movies, books, new things/places to try, etc. (actually too many t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 07:18 AM
5

Ditto. Before you know it you’ll be working out to try and impress new ladies to date you and you’ll be like ex who?
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/20 08:31 AM
4

Dude. None of us are Supermen. If we can get through this so can you. It just takes time. Soooooo Don’t do anything rash. In the beginning I thought about how things would be better if I killed myself. I wasn’t serious but I thought about it. I also realized that if I did go through it how it would affect my parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, and anyone that knew me. It’s like in “Its a Wonderful Life” it may not seem like it but you touch many people’s lives. Another thing that greatly help…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/20 12:40 AM
4

By the time I saw the first draft of the divorce decree we had been separated long enough that it was nothing new. I had already accepted the fact that we were going to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/20 06:25 AM
2

I don’t have to. They’re doing pretty well in school, even with Covid restrictions. I have a better relationship with them now than when we were together because I pay way more attention to them now that I’m single dad and they love it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/20 11:02 AM
1

I can only talk about my kids. They were 15 and 12 when we separated. I only have every other weekend with them. During the beginning of Covid, I was staying with my elderly parents so I had no physical contact with them till I got my own place in July. I was worried about how the break up would affect them. As it turned out that my son (older one) was good with it. He saw the writing on the wall and expected us to divorce. My daughter was more subdue about it. It took a while of me learning wha…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/20 04:22 AM
2

One of the biggest fears was that my kids were going to stop loving me, act out because of the divorce, etc. I have friends that are totally messed up from their parents divorce. To avoid that, I made sure they knew they were not at fault and that this isn't about who do they love more. I talked to them about what they were feeling, doing things with them, being a loving parent. I learned that my kids pretty much knew what was going on and that the divorce was going to happen. Although they have…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/20 08:41 AM
3

Check with your lawyer. A lot depends on your state's divorce laws. My state goes for a 50/50 split on marital assets. We both didn't want the kids to have to move out of the house and relocated so since she got majority of the custody of the kids, she kept the house, but I got my investments and all of my military & civilian retirements, etc. which all would have been split. One thing I learned was that almost everything is negotiable. If you want the house, you'll have to make it worth her whi…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/20 01:53 AM
3

Separations are hard in the beginning. Dead times are the worse. I was lucky that when we first separated, it was pre-covid so I filled my evenings and weekends going out on Meet up events. Video games, tv/movies, hobbies also helped. They would take my mind off my situation. The problem with thinking about your ex is that you'll remember her as she was in the beginning when the relationship was healthy, loving, etc and not when things were bad. I used to see a therapist. He was great in helping…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/20 10:12 AM
2

I think you've been very reasonable. Remember it take two to make it work. She seems to be making a lot of excuses, but not working for the marriage. I believe that men then to take divorce as a failure and by default feel guilty. I went through a whole lot of "what could I have done?" or "Maybe if I give her more time she'll change her mind." Once I accepted that the marriage was done and signed the decree, I felt a whole lot better. I now focus on the future and working on bettering myself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/20 07:55 AM
3

That’s the great thing about this group. Sometimes you just got to rant/vent/get it off your chest so you can move on. Once you’re able to, I would recommend you continue to better yourself. Be it finishing school, getting in shape, finding friends in Chicago, etc. If you do get divorce, you’ll have a better time starting your new life. I was the same way, married 20 years, most of my friends were the kids friends parents. Once we separated I found myself alone. I made new friends, went to meet …
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/20 09:47 AM
1

I think any man who’s hears the words, “I’m done” feels as devastated as you feel now. I went through my “dark days” where I thought I couldn’t go on. Luckily, I found a therapist that was able to adjust the way I was looking at the world. That was 2 years ago. I recently signed the divorce decree and somewhat happy with life. I’m amicable with my ex, I understand that teenage kids are teenage kids and while they rather be with their friends, they still love me, and I’m starting to get back into…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/20 05:47 PM
2

First of all, Happy Birthday! Take this as a lesson of your ex's character. My kids are teenagers and probably would have forgotten my birthday if it wasn't on the calendar on their phones with 1-week prior reminders set. Don't make it a test of love to see if they remember; they're kids. Like someone else said, take your kids to your birthday dinner. If you tell them you're taking them to dinner for your birthday, they might get you something. My kids were big into drawing, quickly handmade car…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/20 08:09 AM
1

Good for you. I can only hope that one me and my STBXW will have that type of relationship. We’re amicable but still have a huge separation gap between us. She didn’t want co-parenting and it’s been the kids either with me or her. No joint activities. Hopefully it gets better with time.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/20 06:48 AM
1

Last year she gave me a Starbucks gift card since she said it felt weird not to. I gave her cheap holiday earrings. Right now, We’re not talking to each other except for the most superficial hi, bye, etc. so probably nothing this year. If you do give, don’t expect anything back and keep it small an impersonal. I might give her something small as a sign that we can still be nice to each other.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/20 09:50 AM
3

It will. There will be big highs and lows, but as time progresses the highs and lows will get shallower. Besides Adorable_FecalSpray's advise, try to find the positives. For me, I still had a good paying job, my kids were older so I would always be their Dad, I had love and support from my parents. For me, it help talking to a good therapist. It's a tough time in your life, get help. Good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/20 01:32 PM
2

Congrats! It must feel good to be done with the whole process and to be able to get on with your life.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/20 01:26 PM
1

Sorry to hear about your situation. My advise is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worse. Divorce is about separating your lives and it's not easy with kids. At the start, my STBXW and I said we wanted an amicable divorce, but after going through the negotiation process we're at a point where she won't talk to me without her lawyer. - Find a good lawyer and learn about the divorce process in your state. The court system in Hawaii offered a free information session on the divorce process …
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/20 01:17 PM
1

When you posted that comment, my boss referred me to a CDFA. He reviewed it and said it was a good deal and I should take it. My lawyer said, I could go to mediation, but I wouldn't get the kids so it would be a waste of money.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/20 09:27 AM
1

Check with your lawyer. Unless she agrees to it (hence the name agreement), she can lay claim on property, furniture, etc. in the divorce decree. I would not leave the house. She can leave, but if you leave you could be seen as abandoning the marriage/house/kid, etc. I left with the hope of the separation would make her have second thoughts. WRONG. I went through all types of adjustment pain (housing, routine, commute, etc.) while she was quite comfortable in our home. Also, the kids got used to…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/20 09:21 AM
6

I believe that most times it’s a slow degradation of the marriage. Men are too busy working and provide or the family and accept it. Women begin to wonder what it would be like if they weren’t married or why there not happy. From there, they start to pick up on all the negatives of the marriage (including the past) and convince themselves that they were trapped in a terrible marriage and need to get out. By the time they tell the husband, they’ve plotted it all out and convinced themselves this …
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/20 04:04 PM
1

I'm kind of leaning your way of thinking. I need a good numbers person to review the property division chart to let me know what the situation is with what STBXW's proposal is. Not sure if it's my lawyer or someone else to do it. So far, I tried to keep my lawyer fees low by reviewing the divorce decree and other docs and answering questions.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/20 12:28 AM
3

I think women justify divorce by magnifying every wrong, inconsiderate, insensitive, imaginary, etc. action done by the husband in their minds. Add the lawyer telling them they "deserve" this or that and how she's the victim and needs money for the future, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/20 12:20 AM
1

STBXW only texts when she pays for something for the kids (something for the kids school related, etc.) so I know to reimburse her for half, otherwise it's through her lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/20 12:17 AM
2

Awesome dude!
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/20 09:22 AM
2

I admit that I can become very comfortable being alone. I'm amazed how much time I can spend watching tv, working out, playing video games, reading books, doing projects, etc. It was easier pre-covid when I also spent time at meet-up activities, drinking with co-worker after work, etc. But at the same time, when I go out and see a couple, I wonder "will I ever have someone who loves me?" I think also part of it is that I want new memories to replace those of my STBXW. Even if it doesn't work out…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/20 09:21 AM
3

Dude. I feel for you. As a veteran, I'm glad you reached out to the VA. They helped me through my dark times. I am in a similar situation, though not as bad. I was lucky that there were no physical abuse, DUIs, protective orders, etc. I think you have to face the fact that there may be no "second" chance. I had anger issues, went to therapy, changed my outlooks/behavior. Doing well without blowing up (I still get heated when I received letters from her lawyer though). Still, by the time most wom…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 11:09 AM
1

I'm sure the lawyer's goal is to have me walk away naked and STBXW getting everything.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 10:40 AM
2

I used to one to give it another chance, but it seems like you don't want to and therapy/counseling doesn't work unless both of you want it. You don't have kids and you're young enough, might be a good time to get out. Be prepared for the down times when it'll seem like no one wants you and you're all alone. Have a social network ready (family/friends). BTW, need to talk to your therapist as to why you feel like a loser. Having kids doesn't make you a success. You need to figure out why you feel…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 06:29 AM
2

The more I read about divorce, it looks like women's brain changes a few time throughout their life. Puberty, child birth, and menopause seems to be the big times. At each time, the brain changes to better adapt at what's happening. Unfortunately for husbands, during pre-menopause, being a good provider drops off the list of being valued since the kids are no longer the priority. I think it ironic because you hear many women say that they don't know themselves, and they lost their personality or…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/20 10:06 AM
2

Some women are the masters of evil psychology and know where to hit to make it hurt. My STBXW had me going up and down emotionally because she's a nice person and it seemed like things were back to happier days and we were making progress on getting back together, then out of the blue, wham...ice cold and bitterness. I finally realized that I need to put a shield up with her and not get suckered in to protect myself. I don't think she's doing it on purpose, but it still hurts emotionally.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/20 09:55 AM
2

It's a little more complicated that that. Seek advise from a lawyer that deals with military divorces or you can even do an internet search for the formula for the formula for dividing military retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/20 09:45 AM
2

I think as men, divorce is tough. Right or wrong, we tend to take it ourselves when things go wrong. Even if the spouse cheats some men wonder “what did I do wrong?” From what I’ve experienced and read, women tend to blame the marriage problems on the men. Even when they cheat, it’s because the husband was bad, already cheating, neglective or abusive. I think that another reason women deal with divorce better than men.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 10:20 PM
4

I gave her the house as part of her half of our assets. At the time, she was going to have the kids most of the time and I didn't want to uproot them. Now it looks like I might get them 50/50. Still, having a big house with a big mortgage is sometimes not a good thing.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/20 10:24 AM
1

I wish I could do the same. We have kids so I can't make a clean break without losing them. I'm glad you're able to. Best of luck to you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/20 10:24 AM
2

I got two sayings for you: 1) Action speaks louder than words. 2) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/20 10:21 AM
1

As I'm going through this process and learning more about divorce, talking to people, etc. it's scary how common this situation is. It's almost to the point that I want to start warning men that are married and their wives are getting to be around 40 to watch out and start doing some serious relationship CPR or start looking for a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/20 10:17 AM
4

I can relate to this article. "men still clung to the hope that they might get back with their former lovers." That's me and "the women tended to make a clean break from the relationship by focusing on the negative qualities of their exes and dismissing their positive aspects." My STBXW will not let go of pain and just keeps on repeating, "I've wasted so much time." "Men, in contrast, tend to lead more solitary lives and to have more competitive relationships with other men. They’re also more de…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/20 08:24 AM
1

I started watching that when I first separated. I couldn't get past the first 15 minutes before I had to stop. I might try watching it again.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/20 03:14 AM
6

We’re close to finalizing the divorce decree. So far we, have been amicable. As she says, she’s trying to be a good person. I’ve promised that I wouldn’t do anything to screw her over which I’ve kept. We try to be as open and transparent as possible since we have 2 kids and will be in each other’s lives for quite a while. For me, it’s been both easy and hard since we’re amicable. Easy in the sense that this process could have been hellacious and expensive but so far it’s been as good as it can b…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/20 10:14 AM
2

Totally agree. The OP needs to get help for himself first. It’s hard to be a good partner in marriage when you’re in trouble internally. Those fears the OP feels after fights can quickly become self fulfilling prophecies. Get help. Become a better man and be the husband you want to be.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/20 09:56 AM
2

I think of the divorce emotional process as a roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes you think, the big drop is over, just to find out there's another one up ahead. The good news is that while it is scary, you'll come out of it alive at the end. In the beginning, the highs and lows were the worst, as I go on with the process, they're flattening out so it's not as traumatic. Of course, we're in the final negotiations of the divorce decree, so there still can be some trauma waiting …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/20 01:54 AM
1

You're way ahead of many divorced men who are lost and can't figure it out. My version of "living your best life" isn't the Instagram/rap song/etc. life on yachts, drinking kale smoothies and bikini supermodels, but doing what matters in your life and your situation. Yeah, we all wish our marriages were fairy tales and happily ever after, but it's not. We can either drink ourselves to death or make the best of the situation. While I'm not happy either, I believe that living the best life I can (…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/20 09:16 AM
1

Damn good news dude. I'm happy for you. You're so right about all of us being in this together.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/20 09:01 AM
1

Dude. So good to read your story. We tend to vent we're going through our worse and sometimes it feels like if you're going through divorced you're cursed. Sounds like you're living your best life. Mad respect.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 10:04 AM
5

I had written something previous about seeking counseling, but I didn't see the part that she was hitting you. Dude, that's abuse and crossing a line. No one should have to endure that. I would let her know that abuse will not be tolerated and you'll call the cops if it happens again. It's important that you do that if she continues. Be aware that women will use deadly force more than men in abusive relationships. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 09:45 AM
1

Good lawyers will be upfront on how costly divorce proceedings can be. My lawyer straight up said, we we could negotiate all of it outside of the courts it could be done relatively inexpensively. If we go to mediation (with good mediators), it'll be $6K retainer for the mediations plus the retainer for my lawyer. If we go to court since meditation failed, then it gets ungodly expensive. One friend lost his life savings to the lawyers fees (over $70K).
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 02:01 AM
1

If possible, I'm always recommending trying to find a way to repair the marriage (unless domestic abuse was involved). I myself still feel as though, I failed in my marriage. I saw the signs that we were growing apart and instead of trying to face it head on and resolving it, I ignored it till there was no more love left and we were strangers. I still believe that if I had one more chance, we could have rebuilt and have a stronger relationship. Alas, it is what it is and I'm on my own now, tryin…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 01:57 AM
1

Agree on avoiding certain songs. I like country, but can't take the lovey-dovey songs right now. That's where I rely on my playlist.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/20 08:18 PM
1

I hear you brother. I got to pick up my son to help me move a dresser from my brother's house to the apartment. I also got a ton of stuff at the old house I got to clear out before the divorce becomes final and she claims all my tools as her property. Not looking forward to that. I'm contemplating renting a storage area and just doing a mass clean out of my stuff. I'll either realize I don't need all that crap and sell it, or go back and go through it looking for stuff I need.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/20 08:36 AM
1

Be thankful for your families support. My brother allow me to stay at his house (my parents live with him also) for 1 1/2 years. I finally moved into my new place and my parent still came over to help me set up. It’ll be hard but when I’m down I think about how I still have my kids love and a great family. That’s more than some other guys getting divorced so I’m thankful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 07:29 AM
2

I couldn't do 50/50 when we first separated because I was living with my brother and I wouldn't be able to drop the kids off a school and get to work on time. Now, I have my own place and my son drives so I can do 50/50 easily.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:29 AM
2

I'm with you bro. It's hard, but remember, you'll get through this. While I'm not ready for another relationship, when I see a pretty girl, I think about how it would be great to date her. Yeah, she may be out of my league, but hey, who knows if and when the right girl and the right time come together. The point is that you decide if you want to see this as negative or a positive.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:22 AM
2

Agree. You're a survivor and you came out of it a really bad situation. Did this make you stronger (e.g. you didn't commit suicide, or landed up addicted or alcoholic?) No. Then you did great for the situation like that.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/20 08:15 AM
1

Yup. I have to take a look at is it worth fighting to win the war just to find out that we scorched the earth. I'll have to talk to my lawyer on Tuesday to see what the chances are with the mediators.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 06:32 AM
1

Her problem is that she's afraid I'll walk all over her so she has her bulldog attorney doing the talking. In reality, I'm all about fairness. My issues, is that I might let my wanting things to be fair cause us to drag this into trial where, I'll lose more.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 06:27 AM
1

Same here, but it's a lot less ($100/mo(?)). It's like the woman needs more for the house for the kids, but what about the men?
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 06:24 AM
5

Dude. Yeah life sucks, but you got to move on. When things are tough, you'll always thing back to the "good ole days", guess what they're gone and because of the divorce, it'll never be the same. Even if she came back, it wouldn't be the same. Learn to live with yourself and move on. If things were bad enough to get divorced, then remember those times to remind yourself why you did it. Then look forward to better possibilities. I myself would love to get back to the wife I first married, but tha…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 06:22 AM
1

We have to apply for a special exemption. Both lawyers said that courts usually approve them unless one party is clearly being taken advantages of. The default option was if the court changed the terms of the agreement, we would revert to 50/50 split
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/20 10:26 PM
2

That was the idea to start with, but the STBXW doesn’t want to deal with it and does everything through her lawyer. My lawyer just reviews my decisions and documents. She paid over $5K while I paid $700. Now that we’re going to mediation I got to put my lawyer on retainer and cost goes up.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/20 10:24 PM
2

Same here. I would like to read the project results.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 10:04 AM
1

Awesome brother.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:36 AM
1

I hear you brother. There’s times that I’m fine and then, I start having flashbacks of the old life and I get really down. As my therapist said, you got to go through it and feel it. Don’t avoid or bottle it inside. You have to mourn your old life so you can get on with the new life. It helps. I still have the flashbacks but they don’t cause me to get down. I also wish I made different choices before, but I realize that what’s done is done. Learn from the past and move forward. Hang is there.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 09:28 AM
1

Totally agree. Instead of thinking my life was over, I’m thinking of it as “one chapter closes and a new one begins.”
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 09:22 AM
1

I wanted to let others know that sometimes the worse thing that happens to you can make you better. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, especially during my “dark days” when she said she wanted a divorce. But I’m glad that I decided to make the best of it and not give up.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/20 09:20 AM
1

I got two teenagers and while they text their friend and post constantly, they don’t have a lot to say to me all the time. I’m think the fact that when I call, their Mom is usually right there might make them feel uncomfortable. That’s ok though, when I have them (every other weekend also), we have the good conversations. I still call or text them every night. They may not know it but one day they’ll think back and know that their Dad said I love them and goodnight every night.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/20 07:27 AM
2

Oh man, I misread your post. I thought it was comms between you and your ex. That just sucks when it's between you and your kids. I feel for you. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 05:31 AM
3

Thats the hard part. I didn't think it was a bad marriage. She thought so. Can't do anything when you're the only one that wants to work at it. I'm moving forward. I hope that things improve on the dating scene. Covid it killing the social scene.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 05:29 AM
3

Agree on the therapist. I had a good one that talked me "off the ledge" (not literally) a few times in the beginning. As men go, we don't like to talk about fears, but I know that's what's been keeping me from going forward. I'm about to move into my new place (reno is taking forever due to covid) which is like a new start for me.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 04:04 AM
2

I do most of my communication via text and email. That way I have a record of it. Phone calls get pretty emotional so when they do, I simply state that, I'm not going to talk to her when she's emotional. Email and text take the edge off it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 03:58 AM
1

I learned that lesson after I moved out. Maybe if I stayed, we could have worked it out. On the flip side, she said if that if I hadn't moved out, she would have filed for divorce right then and gone straight to trial. We have been able to let things cool down and are on relatively good terms as we move forward with the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/20 03:53 AM
2

From my experience: - When she said she wants a divorce, she has been thinking about for quite some time and has her mind made up. - When I asked if we could try counseling to work our problems, she said that she was committed to try and work it out. 2 sessions later she said she didn’t want to become bitter so she wanted a divorce now. - I told her that I would only tell her this once then laid out all the things I was willing to do if she would give it one more try (start meeting for coffee to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/20 10:15 AM
5

Good to hear another brother moving on with his life. What I appreciate is that some of my divorced friends only tell me about the the good parts. Nothing about the sadness, anger, regrets that sometimes hit me. Be glad you have no kids. They are the forever leash between me and the STBXW. Even though they try not to, they’ll slip up and tell me something innocently that will have me missing the old family. Looking forward to hearing your next update.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/20 09:19 PM
2

Good news. It’s always reassuring that there are those out there that went through what I’m going through and are coming out on the other side in good shape. Keep up the good work.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/20 10:55 AM
2

Good to hear brother. I find having a saying or a song to repeat when things are down really helps. Glad you found someone who cares for you. Move o. With your life to bigger and better things.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/20 10:52 AM
2

Thanks brother for your words. My hope is that after I heal I’ll be able to find someone special also. Self reflection is a great things since many of us go through life so busy providing for the family etc that we don’t have time to think about our situation. I’m glad it worked out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/20 09:44 AM
2

You have a lot on your plate. I can relate. When I first was hit with the "I want a divorce", I felt the same anger/sadness you're going through. Time helps (it's been almost a year and half since I moved out. For me, seeing a good therapist helped. Someone to talk to and process everything I was going through. He helped me see things differently. It sounds like you made mistakes that you're beating yourself over. I think we all did otherwise we wouldn't be divorced. Some cheated, some had addic…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/20 11:57 AM
1

Did you think of giving your wife an ultimatum about changing her behavior?
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/20 01:40 AM
2

I agree. I thought I was in a loveless marriage and just stopped caring about everything at home. After a fight she said she wants a divorce and it shook me to the core. As a way to repair the marriage I agreed to go to a therapist that for years I’ve been make all sorts of excuses not to go. In counseling, I realized that I was very angry, screwed up person, that had all sorts of high expectations for everyone (coworkers, wife, kids, etc) and I wasn’t fun to be around. Why would my wife want to…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/20 12:36 PM
2

I can totally understand this. While I know not to get in to a relationship after the divorce, what’s killing me is that every time I see a couple I only have memories of my STBXW. It would be nice to have someone else to think about. But I also realize that means I’m just looking for someone to be a crutch which is not fair to her. The good thing is that there’s plenty of things to do where I can be happy without being in a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/20 11:53 AM
3

I hear you brother. I’m in the divorce process but like you it’s going smoothly (crossed fingers). Like you my STBXW is a good person and I still have feelings for her but it’s not going to be reciprocated. I also have guilt for not recognizing we had major problems until it was too late. It’s part of the process to mourn the loss of the marriage. I know I have to just keep working on myself and then one day the hurt, pain, sadness will be gone. I’m getting there slowly, but still have a ways to…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/20 10:30 AM
1

True words.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/20 08:58 AM
1

As you said, I just have to to accept that I'm out of that man/husband/protector role. She'll always put the kids first so I don't have to worry about them when they are with her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/20 08:58 AM
1

Well, She said she wanted the divorce. We were unhappy but I thought if we could hold out a few more years the kids would go to college and we could rekindle the romance and travel with just the two of us. Late 2018, Her grandmother past away and STBXW said she knew it was over when her and her sister were washing the Grandmother’s body (cultural tradition). Her sister, who doesn’t like me, asked my STBXW could she see herself do this for me. STBXW said “No” and it went downhill from there.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 11:25 AM
1

Sorry dude. Sounds rough. It’ll get better.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 11:15 AM
4

I separated for almost a year and a half and I still see/hear/feel things that trigger emotion of my STBXW (sadness, jealousy, anger, depression, etc.). For me, I make myself feel the emotion then move past it. If you try to bottle it up, avoid it, etc. it’ll just come out worse. You have to mourn the loss of your marriage, old life, etc. I then start looking forward to the things that I couldn’t do in the old life. Right now I’m watching GoT. I would never be able to watch it before since it ha…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 11:12 AM
2

When I first separated I felt that I was losing my kids’ love. Same as you I tried to plan these great weekend activities but like your kids they rather watch tv or play on their phones. I was upset, sad, depressed, etc. After talking to other parents I realized that they were acting like typical teenagers. After that, I let go of trying to force them to do activities. I’ll present the idea and if they don’t want to do it, I don’t force them. If it’s something I feel strongly about, I’ll tell th…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/20 10:11 AM
4

Congrats. Seems like you came out better than most.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/20 06:37 AM
2

In Hawaii, any assets that you brought into the marriage is not divisable. For example, I had mutual fund investments before we got married. My lawyer said that if I could prove that, it can be excluded from the marital assets. Luckily, I'm a paper hoarder and still had the statements from the year we were married so I could prove what I had. Check with your lawyer to see if your state is the same.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/20 09:47 AM
2

I can only speak on my STBXW. She was an equal partner in creating the good life we had. I doubt it was "suddenly (she) hate the life". In hindsight, I realize that both of us let the marriage deteriorate (e.g. putting work and kids before us, not working at the marriage, not communicating about our problems, ignoring each other's feelings, etc.) In the end, she looked at what we had and decided that she wasn't wiling to stay with the ghost of a marriage we had. I avoid making sweeping generaliz…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/20 01:38 AM
1

While we’re amicable, death would be easier. I’m dreading the time I find out she’s with someone.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/20 06:49 AM
9

Brother. I’ve been where you’re at. I left the house over a year ago. I refer to those early times as the “Dark Days”. I was depressed, angry at myself and my situation, and wondered what was in my future without my wife and kids and if it was even worth it to go on. What pulled me out was I found a good therapist. He helped me mourn the loss of my marriage and helped me reframe my thoughts somI could move forward. For example, while I did a lot of work to improve myself, I was full of regret fo…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/20 09:22 AM
1

I see the dating scene and I'm not liking it. Too much BS out there. I talked to one women and I could actually see here trying to calculate how much I make at my job.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/20 12:31 PM
1

Too late for me. I've been back to normal work hours for about a month now. I still miss being able to take an afternoon nap.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/20 12:24 PM
2

So true. Sometimes, I don't want to stop doing whatever I'm doing just to go out. A big plus is that I can have more than one drink at home since I don't have to drive and risk getting a DWI.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/20 12:23 PM
3

God bless you brother.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/20 12:47 PM
3

I get you. Even though you’re over her and moving on, sometimes you get depressed and sad. It’s perfectly normal. You thought you had something thing that would last forever. Who wouldn’t feel sad. We get through this. Hang in there
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/20 05:14 PM
2

I thought about becoming a male slut and doing any women that I could, but its not me. I'm not ready for informal or formal relationships right now. The last thing I need is more drama and complications in my life right now. Stay safe and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/20 12:04 PM
4

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation, but instead of moving back, I stayed away from my kids and STBXW since she's in the medical profession and my parents are in their 80s. At the beginning of the separation, I tried to engage her in conversation, asked how she's doing, etc. I noticed two things. While she was nice, any question about her was answered in one or two words. She never asked about me. The second is that I would go through emotional roller coasters based now how our interact…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/20 11:55 AM
1

I moved in with my parents 14 months ago. At first it was to give the STBXW time and space with hopes of reconciliation. It didn’t happen and while there have been some trying times, I’m thankful for the time with my parents. I was able to spend time with hem and helped them out during the lockdown. Since most of the people we used to socialize with went to Team STBXW, my parents have been a large part of my support network. I had to explained to my Mom that I need to rant and complain about my …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 09:52 AM
3

I went through the same thing a year ago. I’m finally in the process of fixing up the new apartment. I want to make it my oasis from the rest of the madness so I’m putting in new flooring, paint, decorations. I’m also keeping it simple and tidy which was totally opposite of the old house that was cluttered (my STBXW refused to clean or let me throw out stuff). I’m excited about the new place and realized thanks to coved-19, that even if I never meet that someone special, I got a ton of options (…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/20 09:31 AM
6

It's been 14 months since I separated and I went through all the same struggles adjusting. With covid-19, getting the new apartment has been delayed. The nice thing is that I got to live with and spend time with my parents and my Mom has been great listener. Try to find that with someone (e.g. family, friends, support group) to listen to your vents, worries, joys, etc. I need to warn you that unless the person has been through a divorce, they may not understand or give you bad advice. I still ha…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/20 08:24 AM
2

I’m in a similar situation. I didn’t cheat but I didn’t put in the time into the marriage or family. Hindsight showed me what I could have done better. Therapy helped me a lot. Can’t go back into the past but I learned my lessons and become a better person now. Less angry, more accepting. STBXW will not take me back since she’s on her freedom song and celebrating. I just have to work my way through the mourning of the loss of the marriage and heal. In the meantime, I can still work hard to impro…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/20 06:02 PM
1

The hard part was that when we were dating. I thought everything was great. Over 20 years the relationship declined so slowly that when she asked for the divorce, I was in shock. Only after looking back I could see the signs that she had checked out of the marriage years ago and we were just roommates raising our kids. Some of the red flags that I should have seen was no sex, not talking about problems (she would just not talk to me and we would sweep it under the rug), no affection or appreciat…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/20 05:46 PM
1

I’m in a similar situation where we agreed to many compromises such as she gets certain things in return that I pay lower than state calculations for Child support. If the judge denies the variants, is it done deal or can we go back to change the arrangements?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/20 05:30 PM
1

I'm really hoping that the new place will help. I feel like a prisoner right now. Thank God for video games and streaming movies. Part of the problem is that if feels like she's having fun and I'm stuck. Hopefully the new place will allow me to have people over and get me out of this funk. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/20 02:27 AM
1

Thanks. For good or bad my kids are in high school so no play dates. The hard part of the sports is that the STBXW is always there so it gets awkward sitting with the parents with some of them just taking to her and others some to me. I’m active In Meetups and can’t wait till this Covid-19 period gets over and we can start doing in-person activities without fearing of getting sick.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 09:42 PM
1

Thanks. In my area there was only one group I could find (Divorce Care). I’ll need to go back and look for other groups.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 09:34 PM
2

Thanks. I’m doing a lot of the stuff you advised but it’s still tough, especially being cooped up due to coved-19. I’m hoping my new place will be ready to move into soon so I can start doing more. Thanks for the book recommendations. I need to check them out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 09:29 PM
1

I used to be into running (6 marathons including the Goofy Challenge and countless shorter races). I started having problems with my kneee about 5 years ago which turned out to be an meniscus tear and degenerative knee cartilage. The orthopedist said to stop running unless I wanted an artificial knee. I’ve been working out with weights and low impact cardio exercise but it’s not the same and I do miss miss running. Of course I like my natural knee more so that’s life. I’m hoping after this covid…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 09:22 PM
5

Thanks brother. I know that day will come for me too. My STBXW is a great person in public (friendly, laughing, flirty, etc.) and I know one day she'll accept some guy's offer to go out. It's part of the mourning of a loss of a marriage that I'm still going through. Hopefully, by going through the mourning an not trying to avoid it, I'll be able to get on with my life. Stay safe.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 10:36 PM
1

I haven't see that one in years. I should watch it again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/20 04:09 AM
2

I'll have to look for that one.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/20 04:07 AM
1

I started watching the movie, but couldn't go past the first 15 minutes. Hit too hard for me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/20 04:06 AM
2

I'm also stuck in the middle of the divorce process. For me it's awkward because I don't know how to refer to her. "Ex wife" is easy, but not accurate, "wife" is legally correct, but not right situationally. "Estranged wife" is probably the most correct, but who wants to say that? Thankfully, I'm at the point where most of my friends and coworkers know my situation so I just refer her by her name. I myself could care less about how she refers to me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/20 06:45 AM
2

My kids are old enough to make their own cards and gifts themselves. I did buy a generic Mother’s Day card and included a Pizza Hut gift card to cover a dinner for them. While the marriage will soon end, she‘s still doing a great job as a Mother for the kids and I’m thankful.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/20 10:06 AM
1

LOL. I just got back into playing Guild Wars 2 a few days ago. It’s been years since I last played . It’s sad that I forgot how to play so I’m basically a noob again. Nice thing about GW2 there is no romance in it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/20 10:00 AM
4

I hear you man. It's been a just a little over a year for me. Divorce process is still on going. For the most part with me, like you, things are getting better slowly. I'm way past the "dark days" when my whole outlook for the future was doom and gloom. Still, somedays are better than others. It still hurts to watch TV shows/movies have couples in love or goes through problems and works it out within 30 minutes. I guess TV loves happy endings. Too bad real life can't be fixed in 30 minutes. I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/20 02:50 AM
4

I agree that dating with out intention to marrying is a good thing. I've been working out, upgrading the wardrobe, etc. so I can start dating again. If I was just going stay by myself, I'm not sure I would be motivated to do the things I'm doing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/20 02:59 AM
1

I got to watch the first 3 episodes of WW also. I could see me caught up in that also, but to me you can see where it's headed. If only HBO wasn't so expensive and there are so many other streaming services...
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/20 01:45 AM
1

Mediation is getting to a compromise that hopefully both parties can live with. I would figure out what your priorities are and what things you’re ready to give up everything to get and what stuff you can give up as a compromise. Look at an example of a divorce decree and see what are the things on it. Child custody, asset division, etc. are the big ones.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 02:21 AM
2

I got to watch the first 3 episodes of each series for free. West world seems good but I’m always thing the same thing when I saw Jurassic Park, “this isn’t going end well,”. My friends who watched GoT said don’t watch season 8 (or watch it so you can join the angry mob).
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/20 01:19 AM
3

Unless his state has some weird law on the books, gifts are not communal property. Even if it was in a joint account, it is taken out of the calculations when dividing assets.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/20 12:38 AM
2

Wow. You could have been writing my marriage story except the part about meeting someone. My friends who got divorced warned me about meeting women to soon after the separation/divorce. As one said it feels like having someone throw you a lifeline when you’re drowning. You think you’re saved and that person is your guardian angel. After a while the honeymoon phase wears off and you’re back in divorce court. One buddy has been divorced 3 times so I guess it could be true. In the meantime I’m work…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/20 04:05 AM
2

I hear you brother. There are some things like seeing a happy couple on TV that will trigger painful memories or what ifs in me. I can’t watch NCIS or Big Bang Theory (I still don’t know how the show ended) Because those were the shows we Made a point to watch together. One thing that helps me is to find new things to do. I go to different places to eat (or get take out with this quarantine) and Watch new shows (thinking of GoT... Can I really watch 8 seasons in the 7day free trial?). Bottom lin…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/20 03:47 AM
1

I would still have your lawyer review the agreement. It might cost a little more but you need to protect yourself for any tricks.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/20 03:34 AM
1

Find a lawyer that you're comfortable with. Find out his/her pricing (expect to be charged for every phone call/email/document/meeting). Filing just starts the formal divorce process. She will get her own lawyer (you do not want someone who says he can represent both of you). If things are truly amicable and you two can come up to an agreeable plan then you don't need mediation. But if there is a disagreement over X, don't argue about it just go find a good mediator. Last option is to have your …
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:57 PM
1

Good advice. I thought men don't need help, but when my STBXW said she wanted a divorce, my life came apart. I was lucky that I reached out and found a good therapist. Just being able to talk to someone about what was going on and having him reorient my thinking (e.g. Before: I regret not being able to show her my changes and making work out. Now: I've changed and ready but she chooses not to work it out.) Small changes like that helped me be more positive and got me out of my "dark days"
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:48 PM
3

Second (or third) this advice. When I first seperated, I bought a spiral notebook and wrote in it just before bed everyday. It really helped. I do less journaling now, but it's interesting to go back and read past entries and see how far I've come since the "dark days."
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:40 PM
3

I'm still going through the divorce process so nothing other than trying to improve myself. Once the divorce is done, I want to get back into dating and meeting new single friends. I'm going to stay away from marriage and long term relationships though. When I was young, I just focused on finding a wife and starting a family so every relationship was a long term relationship. I'm done with that and just want to have fun.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:34 PM
2

I'm seeing this in myself as well. I had anger issues and picked up being a perfectionist from my Dad. When I separated, I started to work on myself and like you noticed that I'm happier and more relaxed. I hope that I find someone like you did.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:25 PM
1

As with anything, it was a complex situation. We both didn't try and buried our heads hoping things would get better after the kids left the house. Unfortunately, it's like not doing repairs on the house, left uncheck, you got dry rot and our foundation is no longer stable. I could have done more, she could have done more. Could of, should of, would of. It's all in the past now. I'm just trying to get through the divorce while dealing with covid-19 lockdown so I can get out of this in-between ph…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 07:14 PM
2

Fantastic advise. Be a friend and support. Don't judge or recommend a course of action. it'll blow up in your face later.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 12:52 AM
1

Same. We decided to not disrupt the kids as much as possible. We decided to pay next year's tuition out of the joint account and then we would split the remaining years 50/50. We are lucky that both of us have reletively good jobs.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 12:41 AM
1

As a friend, unless he asks, don't recommend anything (if he does asks, have him do research e.g. talk to a lawyer) otherwise you'll be the reason why if/when things don't go his way. Just be there for him. He's going to need support. Be prepared to listen to him talk endlessly about her being his soulmate/bitch/angel/whore/one and only/demon/etc., and how divorce was the best/worst thing he's ever done. Be prepared for him to talk about nothing but the divorce and the STBXW. Above all, DO NOT T…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 12:30 AM
4

My STBXW is the same. We're amicable and things have been going smoothly since we separated. Just trying to get to the details for the divorce decree. She is nice by nature. One of the issues I had was that she was nicer to strangers than to me. In the beginning of the divorce process, every time we talked I saw hope of us getting back together because we would have these great conversations. After awhile, I realized that she was just being nice. One of the tells was that she would never ask how…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 12:12 AM
5

Tough to give advise without knowing more about the situation. Does she cheats? Just doesn’t excite you anymore? Bored? I’m always (Unless there is abuse involved) if there is a chance of making it work, sit her down and talk about what you feel Is wrong with the marriage. Discuss how you two might fix it. If she is also wanting out of the marriage Or doesn’t want to fix it then you got your answer (Can’t fix a marriage if only one person is committed to making it work). If she wants to Fix it t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/20 11:04 AM
3

Using lawyers to talk is going to get crazy expensive. Try to go to mediation before resorting to letting the lawyers fight it out and charge you an arm and a leg. Good ones are still pricy. I was quoted as for $6-8K for a retired judge that does mediation and has good recommendations from my lawyer and other clients. I have a coworker that is at about $70K since both lawyers are doing out of their joint account and they can’t agree on anything.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/20 10:47 AM
2

Agree. Once she made up her mind, the "counseling" is just a check box for her to say that she tried everything.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/20 03:22 AM
1

I don't know if this is the case with all divorces, but it was pretty close to what happened to me. I was fat, dumb, and oblivious. In the meantime she was quiet, stewing in her resentment, withholding affection and sex. I thought it was just a rough patch...until one argument ended with "I think we're done." I was blindsided. Just like the article, I tried to fix all the things, but as quoted in the article, it was a little too little too late. As I found out, she was done months before the arg…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/20 03:18 AM
3

Bravo. Good to hear you're setting yourself up nicely. At least you're not wasting your quarantine time on Netflix (like me). Keep up the good work.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/20 01:18 AM
3

I'm in a similar situation. I'm staying with my elderly parents until my new place is ready for occupancy. At their age, I don't want to minimize their exposure as much as possible. Since my STBXW works in the medical field, she's the danger of virus transmission. Because my kids stay with her (I get every other weekend) I haven't seen my kids in over a month now. We talk on the phone every night (they're teenagers so it amounts to 20 second calls) as a way to stay in touch. I feel for you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/20 01:17 AM
0

I agree with you that actions speaks louder than word so that’s why he had to set some “lines in the sand”. If she can’t stop communicating with the other guy then yes he needs to go see a lawyer. But again at that point he did everything he could and has no question about what to do. The OP asked for advice, everyone was telling him to go directly to divorce and I gave him and another option. Guess what? The OP is going to do whatever he believes is best for him. I really doubt that your or my …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/20 03:10 AM
1

I'm in the same boat brother. I know in my soul that the marriage is dead and I've accepted it, but there are times when I think of how it would be if she give our marriage second chance. I'm taking it one day at a time. If God gives us a second chance, I'm in. If not, I'm still going to live the best life I can.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/20 10:11 PM
0

My advise comes from the lessons learned after it was too late for my marriage. If you read the OP's first post, he said he confronted his wife and she said she wanted to stay. Yes, her actions were contradictory, but that's why I advised him to sit down and hammer out some concrete answers. Right now, he is working off his fears and assumptions instead of working for hard answers and hard solutions. I was in the exact situation and followed my fears and assumptions. That actually led me to gett…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/20 10:05 PM
-1

I'm going to be devils advocate to the other commenters. I'm going through a divorce right now and while it's amicable, it's still hell. Before you jump into divorce, I think you need to do a few things. 1) Sit down and have a serious conversation with your wife. Let her know that you're not going to be a backup plan and either she's with you or him. Ask her what she wants. If she says she wants out, then move on to the divorce (I've read in a number of places that by time a wife says she wants …
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/20 01:28 AM
0

She's not the pawn type gal, but who knows...I thought we would be together forever.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/20 01:44 AM
3

I spent a whole lot on her rings and I got a plain band in return. Should have asked for a car attached to my ring.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/20 01:42 AM
1

Yeah, her lawyer is already having her ask for a lot financial wise e.g. she gets to claim both kids for taxes permanently, she gets to keep her savings account totally while we split the joint and my accounts, etc. I'm sure she's also saying keep all the jewery.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/20 01:41 AM
3

Even though I don't live in the old house, there's still little items from her that like to pop up (e.g. watches that were gifts from her, etc.) and catch me at unexpected times. I'm moving to a new place in May and wonder if I should purge everything from her. It'll be impractical, but I wonder if it'll help me get over it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/20 06:26 PM
1

One other thing I wanted to add. I miss what we used to be when we first got married, not what we had the past few years. I think people on the receiving end of a divorce focus on when things were good part and forget, or minimize the bad parts. Again good luck and hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/20 11:58 PM
2

I'm in the same boat. Just shy of our 19th anniversary we separated. I still love and miss her, but I also came to the realization that it won't work unless she really wants to make it work. I still hope that we'll reconcile, but I also understand that won't happen for a long time (5 to 10+ years if at all). In the meantime, I'm working to improve myself (mentally, attitude, physically, dress, etc.) The ironic thing is that if I had done all this work on myself while we were still married, maybe…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/20 08:32 PM
2

Although I don't have to deal with PTSD or depression, I believe missing your kids is something most fathers go through when separated from their kids. I mistakeningly left the house after reading how giving my wife "space" could help (bad idea). As we started to discuss the child custody arrangements, I wanted 50/50. She was against that since she felt that they needed stability. After consulting my lawyer, family, friends, I caved to just having them every other weekend. My kids are teenagers …
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/20 07:59 PM
2

My STBXW (who has the kids for most of the time) works in a medical clinic while I'm staying with my elderly parents. That means I've lost all physical contact with them unless I want to put my parents at risk. It sucks, but I call them every night.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 07:03 PM
2

Bonding over problems happens a lot. I was at a Meetup activity and I landed up talking to a woman about our divorces for over 2 hours. Other than our divorce, I couldn't tell you if we have anything in common. I learned to not talk about it. If someone asks, I say it didn't work out. If they press, I change the subject by asking questions about them. People love to talk about themselves so the divorce talk gets dropped pretty quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 06:46 PM
1

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's tough. One thing I've heard is that by the time a woman says she wants a divorce, she's been thinking about it for awhile and made up her mind. Granted, this excludes situations where your wife is a drama queen and spouts threats like that all the time, so you have to be a judge for yourself on which is which. In addition to preparing by looking for a lawyer, don't move out of the house, don't give up any rights to your child, don't do anything that …
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 06:36 PM
1

My lawyer gave me similar advice. Stay out of court if you can. As he put it, "I charge $350/hr. If we have a 7AM hearing, but it gets delayed till 11AM, I'm still charging you for the 4 hours I had to wait there. Plan A: work things out amicably with the STBX. Don't agree to anything until the entire package is worked out (divorce decree). Be willing to trade things you want for what she wants. If you get into a point where both of you can't agree, stop and go to mediation. The longer you argue…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 06:22 AM
1

I've read this before and it never fails to hit home. Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 06:12 AM
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