TLDR; divorce is tough, get a budget, buy/eat things you couldn’t before & don’t worry, your family still loves you. You got this!

Well boys I filed papers in June and with Covid just waiting on the court date. I wanted to share how I’m separating life from my STBX after 6 years together and hopefully help at minimum, give some ideas to y’all.Now I get everyone’s situation is different so I want to give some insight on mine first. This isn’t a rant post, so I’m going to try to keep the vibes positive here.

Background:

Currently living with STBX IN A 900 sq ft apt (2br), no kids, no major shared debt, except a 10k wedding loan and splitting bills 50:50. I initiated the divorce, but it was in the pudding for awhile (dated 4 years and married for 1 year). When I decided to ask for a divorce I weighed the cost/time cost of getting lawyers involved and told her she could have anything in the house she wanted and that I would re purchase anything I needed in the long run.

Bills:

We had a shared account when we got married and kept our own accounts for a budgeted fun money, have since the divorce been paying auto bills only on the shared account, I’m the primary on this and will be closing the account when I move this month. We split everything 50/50 and decided who was going to take over each account.

Living:

I’ve been in the guest bedroom with a full size bed since March and the start of Covid-19. The first few days were great able to spread out (I’m 6’1), and not worry about her watching tv or Instagram on her phone. Then something happened, after a week I felt really lonely and depression came creeping in and spun out of control. It’s gotten better and though every once in awhile I feel sad, it’s more momentary now. Watch out for this boys, there were a few dark times that I questioned if I should just go crawl back in bed with her. Don’t do it. Stay strong remember we’re playing the long term happiness game here.

Food:

As soon as I asked for the divorce I asked if we could start making our own meals. This not only gave me another speck of freedom, shut out the shame of having her cook for me and stress of trying to figure out something that we both liked, but I was able to start meal prepping food that “I” enjoyed. I saved money and lost a few pounds too.

Budgeting:

So much of a relationship revolves around money, breaking it off can be terrifying if your not the money piece. My STBX was a finance person and me not so much. I can barely do basic mathematics, but I’m figuring it out and you can to. When I was single I used Mint and went back and signed up for a fresh account. I figure I’d try to save you some headache of things I found from trial and error of their application. First mint isn’t perfect. Try not to get frustrated and accept that. When you set up an account import all of your accounts. Then every time you spend money go to the categories and organize each, try to organize each of your spending into “buckets” or transaction categories that you typically spend. Create custom categories, for example I vape and have a vape category under groceries. Then go to the budget section and create what you want to spend for each of those categories (note: you can only create budgets for categories you currently have categorized transactions for). For the first month try to be skimpy and just track what you can. You can’t change what you don’t track so this is the first step.The goals tool is complicated and I haven’t quite figured it out yet, it also is supplemental to your budgets categories and will deduct from your net spend. Avoid this for now and let me know if you figure it out. Create budgets until your income is left with like $50 as a buffer. Every month make sure your categories are updated and all transactions are categorized correctly. I’ve found that refreshing the app sometimes categories are incorrect so I have to redo them. Over budget on everything by what you are able to. Shit happens and you’ll be more prepared this way. Also be sure to add any bills in the bills section, this feature is also finicky so be sure to review them and the due dates regularly. There is a feature called “hid from budget and trends” in the transaction categories, I’ve started using this for a few cases. Savings and credit cards. Try to think of savings as you paying someone to hold your money and credit cards the same way. Other wise categorizing them the same in Mint will just cancel a negative and positive amount and confuse things. On that note when you save don’t touch it. And try to put money away every check even if you can only afford a dollar, think of it as a million pound brick of gold that you can’t move unless it’s life or death. One more thing in this long ass section is to look at debt consolidation and the interest rates on your cards. My old cards had an interest rate of 24% ( bad credit when I signed up) and was able to get a new card at 14% APR and transfer the balance. Not for everyone, but even a single percent can make a difference long run. Call every utility and ask for discounts even if you have to make up a compliant against some one like Comcast. Every bit counts.

Fun:

“Find things you enjoy”. Every divorce post says this and it’s true. I went out and bought a pistol and a membership to a gun range. Things that I wasn’t allowed to do while I was married. I also bought things for my new place, leather couch, soap ( not some organic bs my STBX would’ve required) and my dog a new collar. Allocate some fun money for yourself in your budget.

Memories:

This is a hard one especially as your siloing everything in your life and separating from your ex. Some of you may want to hold on to memories, but my preference was to purge it. Don’t look at old photos, videos or social media “memories”. I went through my Instagram one night and deleted posts that had her photo. Don’t get me wrong your going to be sad and depressed, but it’s for the best and once it’s done, your done. If your able to, look at your self before the relationship. Remember how happy you were and the person full of confidence that you used and will be after this is over.

Friends and Family

Another tough one to tackle. I was more terrified of what all of the people who attended and knew we were married than of what the person I married cared about when we initiated the filing. I felt so many people would be let down by more former dreams and aspirations or that they had wasted time and money on my ventures in marriage. I originally didn’t want to tell anyone and just recluse into a corner until the deed was done. But as it goes with a marriage it wasn’t up to me of who found out. I told my STBX that I didn’t care who she told but that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone until I was ready. Luckily she didn’t tell any of my family and I’ve been sharing with them on my own terms slowly and they’ve been really supportive. You’re going to kick your self a few time but remember that your in control and that those who get off on the situation aren’t worth your effort or emotional drain.

That’s all my brain has for now. I’ll update in September when I’m on my own and can think more clearly. Hope this helps some/one of you guys, and I wish y’all the best in each of your journeys. You got this.