My wife and I have been separated for a few months, physically separated since the beginning of December. Honestly when the discussion was first brought up it really caught me off guard. My wife is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life with anyone else but her. Sure she has her flaws as anyone does but I'm the one to blame for this. We'd have periodic talks about how I wasn't pulling my weight and how she wasn't happy. I'd be better for a bit than, without realizing it, I'd fall back into my old patterns.

Since we separated, I started therapy, was officially diagnosed with Adult ADHD-Inattentive Type, Situational Anxiety, and low self worth. Pair that with the emotional strain that is losing My best friend, the love of my life, the Mother of my child, and my family as I know it... I broke down and hard. I had no control over my thoughts as they flooded my mind for the first time in my entire life. I didn't know what was real or fake, a product of the situation and how it made me feel, or if it was how I truly felt. I couldn't make that distinction. At every possible turn I made the absolute worst decision imaginable and pushed her even further away despite that being the polar opposite of what I wanted to do.

Now, here I am trying so hard to salvage any semblance of a friendship that could be salvaged just so I can have in my life at any possible capacity. We're working together to finalize the divorce paperwork, making plans to see a divorce mediator and following up with family therapy so we can learn to trust each other again and so we can learn how to communicate effectively in order to co-parent as best we can for our daughters sake.

Every day that passes by is one day closer to the inevitable and I only have myself to blame. I don't want this, but if I don't do this than she will file anyways because she's had enough. Since separating, she's gotten a glimpse of the outside, where she isn't constantly fighting for my attention or approval. It's made her realize that she's been miserable with me through our entire relationship and she doesn't want to be with me any more. How am I supposed to cope with that?

I've brought her into damn near every aspect of my life and now that this situation is what it is, I can't even enjoy the things I used to enjoy because it's a constant reminder of the good times we had together. She wants to support me and encourage me to succeed in life, to stand on my own two feet. That really only makes this even harder because it's proof that she still cares about me. But the fact remains that she does not want to be with me anymore.

The worst part in all of this is I've finally realized where my problems are and I want nothing more than to prove to her that I'm not that man anymore. The changes she's always wanted from me are so permanently etched in me that all I want to do is live my life for her. Through this process, I've come to realize that I've always loved her more than anything, but since the separation, I've noticed her so much more than I ever have before and I cant even acknowledge it. I can't tell her how beautiful she is. I can't grab her from behind and hold her. I can't sit next to her and pull her close... Through this whole situation, I've realized that I've fallen in love with her all over again and The love I feel for her now is so much more than it's ever been... and I can't tell her. If I did, she'd only pull away again.

It could just be my thoughts playing tricks on me, but at one point we were on hugging terms. Now that we've been talking more, she wont even get close enough to touch me. I can't help but think that she feels the same way, and she's trying to force herself to believe she doesn't want this any more. That whatever is outside of our relationship is better, regardless if it's real. It's as if she's trying to justify that ending this is the right thing to do even though she doesn't really believe it... It could just be me trying to read what I want to read because of how I feel. It's so hard to know what's real, and what's just me.