My husband and I met in 2004. I fell in love right away. Maybe I was in such a bad place in my life at the time it just felt so good to love him.

I got pregnant right away. I moved in with him and then everything just spiraled out of control. We didnt really know eachother. He was in love with a schoolmate and I kinda just got in the way of that. That is the root of where it all started. I knew since then I was second choice and selected out of the 2 only cause I was pregnant. Even knowing this I stayed. Felt stupid for it but I stayed. We raised our firstborn as best we could, still not really enjoying eachother cause now we were parents and our needs were no longer priority. At this point I was very well aware he was not in love with me or even happy. I realize now that we didnt ever get a chance to really get to know eachother. We couldve realized earlier we werent compatible and we wouldnt last. Fast forward to 2017. We had never been through such a terrible time in our relationship and I was lost confused and lonely. I met someone and I had a 2 week non sexual emotional affair. Overcome with guilt I told my husband and left him. I ended the affair right away and found myself in a deeper darker hole now more than ever. Not only was shit already terrible in my marriage, now I cheated. This was the worse mistake ever. I had never cheated on anyone and I didnt use my best judgement when making that decision. I regret it everyday since. This happened in 2017. We had been together almost 13 years then. I begged him to please take me back which he did. That also was a big mistake. He never forgave me for my infidelity. I now understand he does not have to forgive me at all. Now I am constantly reminded I am a lying cheating whore and I am undeserving of his forgiveness. Since the affair things just got undeniably worse. We are no longer able to stand being around eachother at all and any words we exchange are strictly to hurt the other. I dont want to enter another year miserable and in tears wondering if ill ever be happy. Is it possible for a man to forgive his wife after cheating even if no sex was involved? Sex between us has been reduced to sad awkward pity sex. I know he is no longer turned on by me and it hurts. I feel like he will never forgive me or look at me the same. I need to learn how to fall out of love and still sleep under the same roof. He does it just fine. Hates my guts and still cracks up watching t.v. But dont I even think about giving him a hug or a kiss cause right away im met with a wtf are you doing? and being pushed away immediately.

Does it get better?

or am I just plain stupid. Please nobody tell me he doesnt love me and never has I am very aware of that already, thank you!