I Wish

I had my dad who died of cancer 30+ years ago to ask advice. I wish I had my second father who passed last year to run things by.

I rarely wish, because as a man at 40 years old; I know it takes pain, suffering, loss, and hurt... No matter which way you put it.

What I did not realize... Is that I always was going to be the 'Top', the problem solver, solutions provider, the everything to everyone in my ecosystem... Then get tossed. All good forgotten about. 'The Man' with the plan everyone praised, until...

I had my faults, vices, verbally abusive... But every year I have changed for the better. I've never been scared of change, only of being stagnant. I have adapted beyond belief, thought to have been supported. Loved, genuinely.

Trust with all humans is my main issue more, but I don't treat anyone differently throughout my day...

Mainly, the only thing that has changed, is I'm back at square one, in the best shape of my life, with two kids I haven't seen in 8 months, making more money then I ever have and her enjoying the Big Ole house... Not with another guy because she absolutely lacks any self confidence (because of me obviously)... But I'm here and alive, but sure doesn't feel like it.

Thanks for reading my rant, and hang in there.