I’m torn on what I should do and looking for some outside perspective.

M32, married 6yrs this year, 3 kids (boy 11yr, girls 3 yr and 4 months) (The boy is from a previous relationship of hers, was introduced to him when he was 4 and because his bio dad wasn’t involved financially or physically. I adopted him as mine)

In the beginning, my wife was the breadwinner. Made more money than I did but within the last 2.5 years that has changed and I make more money than she does.

We’ve never merged our finances and we do all that separate. She pays the mortgage and I pay basically everything else.

The in-laws are a hot mess. Her dad when we were dating took the boy across town in a city without his car seat and they had a lax conversation about it and it wasn’t taken serious, really got under my skin. I let her know that if I was going to be apart of the picture that would never happen again. Fast forward to 2021. It happened again, I lost it and it turned into a big ordeal. Her dad threatened to take me to court over his grand parent rights ( which I said go for, let’s see what they say). Also tried to hold all the nice things he had ever done for his daughter and grandson and that I should be thankful. Longer story there, but during the process the wife kinda unloaded all her feelings and frustrations that her dad just didn’t respect her as a parent or us. Mother in law… was great and was always willing to help out with the kid/kids. Not until later did I learn her relationship was not good and they ultimately got a very nasty divorce. Thru the divorce process she moved in with us because it was not safe at her home…. The ex made threats, trackers on her car, stalked our neighborhood, parked out front out our house, tried to run her off the road a time or two, backed into my car on purpose, and after she moved out and into her house… he broke in, drove thru the garage door, filled her locks with super glue and all kinds of shit. So I said the kids are not allowed to go there for a while unless I was with. Then moved to as long as one of us was with the kids, then they could go.

I’m kinda always left to be the bad guy in any situation. I’ll support her in whatever she tells the kids to do /not do and then change her mind after I’ve stepped in. Or I’ll tell the kids to do or not to do something and she’ll do the opposite.

I used to be a very laid back guy, go with the flow, not a lot would rattle my cage but the longer we have been together… I’m so uptight, walk on egg shells, made to feel crazy, our sex life has died- in the last 3 years mainly had sex for kids. I communicated we are not in good shape and she believes that we are fine and just in a busy season of life. I said no, it’s worst than that. Again told it’s not and I said okay.

I’m gonna go do some counseling to help me work thru all my stuff. The wife has stuff she needs to work going back to her parents divorce but won’t really do that. We’ve done some counseling in the past and it helped a little but not alot. So I’m just kinda looking for some other advice/thoughts.