Our former cat died yesterday and it's really sent me to try to figure out how the hell life got to this point. I was such a little shit throughout our relationship and though there are always two people in a relationship I'm so upset at my actions during our whole relationship. I lied and covered up my faults instead of confronting them. Blaming my upbringing, friends, life circumstances, etc and she had to suffer for it until she left. The straw that broke it was me relapsing on weed and trying to lie/cover it up.

I wish things were different but and we had so many great moments. I've been in therapy, in support groups, doing so much to improve my life and my greatest regret currently is she can't be here to benefit from it, and our daughter has to suffer a divorced parent lifestyle. She suffered through the worst of me and now the best I can do is leave her alone so I don't hurt her more.

It was supposed to be better than this. i thought cleaning/maintainging household, listening to her, and doing everything she wanted would make her happy but it just put a ridiculous amount of pressure on her. I'm learning but I'm just so sad we can't be back to when we got our kittens together and had so many great moments. We went through so many different hellish times together with work and covid and I wasn't smart enough to know how to manage it. It sucks when our mistakes hurt the people that are there to love us.

I wake up every morning wanting to pull my skin off instead of living this reality but another day starts. Can only try to improve for tomorrow in the end.