So Im a separated guy living in Virginia. My wife and I have two kids. She left in November 2017 and took the kids under the pretense that I would have them just as much as her. Since I was supposed to work that night (I work 12hr shifts as a jail officer) and the next 3 nights, I let her take them. We were barely making ends meet as it is, had just bought a house, and had finally gotten our budget set where we would definitely begin to start paying down debt come January due to pending bill changes. I have no family in the state other than those 3 while all of her immediate family live only 2hrs away. While even after everything she has done I would take her back and work to repair our family, I don't see that as being likely. That is not to say I am blameless in the failings of our marriage, but I believe in working through any problem. However, I am here for advice on a better separation and navigating the rest of the pending process.

So here are I guess the pertinent facts. At the time she left she had no income and moved herself and the kids back in with her mom. After almost three months of not being allowed to see my kids except "supervised" I took her to court. She got it delayed another month and 15 days because she said we would work out our own terms before the new court date. Then of course she refused to meet any day that I wanted. Even on days I went there to see my children, she wouldn't talk about it. Meanwhile, I had begun paying her child support as soon as she left. I was honestly only able to do this due to a small portion of the tax return (from my job only mind you) that I was able to keep before she got it out of the joint account everything went into.

The courts determined I actually overpaid and did not owe any back child support. Of course, they were only calculating me as being charged for 4 months instead of the 6 she had been gone by the time the order took effect. I was not credited for this child support extra in that month, including $400 she withdrew from the paycheck I got just the night before (while at work). She withdrew it from an ATM while I was still at work where I cannot even have a phone. $400 a day is the maximum allowed from that account at an ATM. Mind you, my check was only ~$2150 that month if not lower. Our house+HOA is $830. I was charged to pay her $759 a month. So that month, she got over half my paycheck and leaving me less than $600 to live on for the entire month including all bills and groceries. She refused to return that $400 in spite of knowing this and her receiving benefits for food. In light of this, the judge said it was her money because it was in a joint account but he would add it to the record by including it in back child support payments that were made(big deal, like that did anything for me). I went to the department of child support enforcement the next day they were open as I ended up sleeping away the rest of the day the judgement was issued (remember, I work nights). I found out she had already been there. Which was fine, as now the payment would come directly out of my paycheck and I wouldn't have to worry about false accusations of not paying.

On the issues of custody and "visitation", we both were granted equal legal custody (If anyone can explain what this means if we have a disagreement, Id like to know as a side note).

To explain the physical custody arrangement, I must explain. My work schedule. I work on a 2 week cycle. On Mon, Tue. Off Wed, Thur. On Fri, Sat, and Sun. Then the next week is the opposite. Out of every four weeks, I can be placed on call from 3am-6am and 3pm-6pm 2-4 times (sometimes called in all scheduled on calls and sometimes none). We cannot be scheduled on call on our first day off after previous work days.

Now then, she was granted primary physical custody. She at this time still had no job. I was granted to have my kids unsupervised from noon on the Friday I am off until the Sunday I am off. Two days out of two weeks.

Now her lawyer has sent me a few crappy proposals for a separation agreement. I sent back a list of required changes, but they were mostly rebuffed with renditions if not entirely ignored. The three major ones were (1) child support changes, (2) her taking responsibility for an equal share in the joint credit card (~$1500), and (3) me being allowed to claim one of the children on taxes.

(1) has been outright ignored. She has gotten a job nearly equal to my income, and I was able to find her hourly rate through glassdoor. She is now also paying for babysitting at a rate of $150 a week (extremely cheap for her area). She works a day job and is off in the evening while I'm still working nights. I calculated it and with many online calculators and by reading the state code myself. Granted, I only have a rough ballpark of her income. It seems I will be paying more, not less child support unless she makes an great deal more than me. This seems entirely unfair to me because now she is working and gets all of her income, and now even more of mine than when she wasn't. There is no win it seems in me taking her back to court right now over this.

(2) she offered to take responsibility half of the principal amount on the credit card on the day she left. Furthermore, she wanted to keep it on the same account rather than separating them. She would pay off her half and then I would handle the rest. Sacking me with 100% of all interest accrued from the day she left and half of the principal.

(3) She just emailed me yesterday after I had been asking for almost 2 months to talk about this issue since the tax deadline is coming up. She said she will claim the children. Bear in mind, she did not work for the previous tax year. I had claimed one child for about half of the year because I assumed this was fair and I didn't know the IRS only allowed the custodial parent (parent the child spends a majority of their time with) to claim. Virginia state laws reflect this rule. So I get to pay taxes on the child support money but I do not get to claim my children on my taxes. This seems highly inequitable. It equals even less money for me when I get paid each month.

That is my spheal. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this it would be greatly appreciated. I am at a loss as to what to do. I know she wants a separation agreement so she can file for divorce (which I have little to no interest in seeing happen. We're separated and need to separate our finances in writing.). No matter what I propose, I get nowhere. Talking to her lawyer gets me nowhere. I cannot afford one but hers is a long time friend of their family. I need something I can push to get ahead with.