our 5 year anniversary will be at the end of this month and I'm sleeping on the couch, looking for new apartments and readjusting finances. we're 2 months into a lease with both of our names on it, and I make double what she does. we have 3 kids (our 3 year old is ours, but her two older kids are hers from a previous relationship), so I'm not trying to disrupt my kids regular schedule or where they live while my wife and I figure out the end of our relationship. things went south when, while she was pregnant with my son, she had an emotional affair with a coworker (that's what she says, but I think she fucked that guy). at first I noticed she kept bringing him up, and I said something about it, but then she stopped. I only found out about 5 weeks after my son was born because she told me. while I was at my second job, she was doing God knows what, not to mention working with the guy/lunch breaks. the night she told me, she played crazy and got herself baker acted by running outside naked and screaming. I wanted to leave but how could I. the only other person I'd ever trusted just lost her mind (as far as I knew) and I had to take care of my kids. so I stayed. and I let everyone tell me to pour into her more than I already had been over the years. I built up so much hate for her because I never mourned the man she destroyed. I couldn't trust her. I was going through her phone, always assuming she was cheating on me and I felt stuck because we had our son (who is the apple of my eye btw). I didn't want to be intimate with her unless it was sex, but she didn't want to have sex with me unless I did physical intimacy that wasn't sexual. I developed an addiction to porn and masturbation, confided in her and was judged. I realized I couldn't even trust her with my feelings anymore. so here we are. we've been married almost 5 years and together 9 total. I feel like I'm stepping out of a vortex. at first, I was still being emotionally available, giving her hugs when she wanted and even laying in the bed with her a few times (I'm practicing celibacy until further notice so we haven't had sex since we agreed to separate). but then she told me she doesn't want to try and she doesn't want to lead me on by giving me affection or letting me give it to her and she for sure wants me to move out. I appreciate her ripping the bandage off because now. I can truly disconnect and focus on me, finding a place and my boys. down from 278lbs to 263lbs. back to benching 315. we're still cordial, respect and even find little things to laugh at. and we occasionally still smoke tree together but I'm being guarded. maybe I'm tripping but it seems like shes been having some micro aggressions since I've limited her access to me. I was ok with us taking a break and focusing on each other but possibly staying together (and staying in my apartment) but I'm not going to keep wasting my energy on her. I'm choosing me. when she cheated, I turned to everyone else for comfort and closure when I should've got it from a) HER and b) myself. I can feel myself becoming a better person. I'm not angry anymore and I forgive her. Hell, I still love her and I think I'm in a place for us to build something new rather than putting back together what was broken but it is what it is. I respect her decision and I'm going to make the best outta my situation. just wanted to vent to whoever wanted to read