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LaCathedrale Archive

View 29 posts and 553 comments by LaCathedrale on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
125

LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 09:14 AM
84

RantLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 03:16 PM
68

LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 06:13 AM
46

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 08:40 AM
44

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:34 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 06:28 AM
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RantLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 05:27 PM
30

Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 03:45 PM
24

RantLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:57 PM
24

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 06:19 AM
22

Dealing with the Ex / STBXLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 07:11 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 06:48 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 11:27 AM
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Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 10:18 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 05:41 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 10:43 AM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:21 AM
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Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 09:30 AM
11

Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 08:14 AM
10

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 06:40 AM
10

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 08:05 AM
8

LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 07:18 PM
6

Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 06:21 AM
6

Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 07:59 PM
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Need SupportLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 08:10 AM
3

Success StoriesLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:19 AM
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Dating After DivorceLaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 01:49 PM
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LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 04:05 PM
1

LaCathedrale/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 01:25 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
8

Similar story - after being told how repulsive, boring, etc. I was by her for so long and then us finally divorcing, a few months later while she was still living at home I opened up the apps. By horrible coincidence I swiped on someone who knew my ex - who then immediately told her. She had the absolute gall to try to talk to me about it - while little beknownst to me she had been sleeping with a new guy in the family home with our kids asleep for months, and introduced him as 'mummy's special …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:35 AM
2

Yeah, I've heard the aphorism that 'if you want something bad enough you can see it in anyone' to your last point. I think I did that with my second wife - just wanted to believe she was caring and emotionally intelligent, etc. etc but actually she was just sexually available and into me (at the time). From my own perspective I'm going to casually date a lot longer than I did before before things get anywhere near a 'proper' relationship level, but always keeping my sense of self worth internal.…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:28 AM
1

google it
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:26 AM
1

Yep - not sure it helps but you're not alone. After we decided to get divorced but still living together, she brought a new guy into the house while my kids were asleep upstairs while I was on a work trip.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 05:25 AM
3

> My ex wife wasn't perfect but I'm realizing now there is no perfect This feels like a dangerous narrative - because it implies that you aren't deserving of finding better. My ex wasn't perfect, but I'm sure I can find someone better suited to me than she was, faults and all.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 07:39 PM
2

repeat: DO NOT SETTLE DOWN
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:39 AM
1

Well, the worst that can happen is that you find yourself repeating the same patterns that lead to your marriage and divorce. Have you reflected on what brought you there? For example, for me it was a learned behaviour of unconciously seeking drama in women, and then consistently being overly reasonable - repeating patterns from my childhood. I'm not saying I've solved the problem, but I think I have a way better chance of avoiding that in future.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:38 AM
2

you can't force a plant to grow by pulling at the leaves, you just need to feed it and water it and it does that itself. You can't force acceptance in the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:36 AM
6

My ex told me she wanted to be friends throughout. So when she immediately monkey branched with an old flame/her AP (I'll never know) I called her and asked for her to help me understand, since the entire reason for our split was that she could 'be alone'. She basically hung up on me after telling me it was none of my business. It was at that point I realised our friendship, as well as our marriage, was a complete sham.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:35 AM
2

Listen to this person - you can't 'let go' - you just wake up one day and it's gone. All you have to do is keep it steady and sensible; no crazy outbursts, no screaming or fighting, no stupid decisions. Just grey rock her (especially if you have kids) and then one day that is actually how you feel. I'm not just saying this for fun, I'm saying it because it works - even if you can't see it now - and we've all gone through it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:34 AM
1

I totally agree with this sentiment, even if the heart needs time to catch up with it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:32 AM
3

Everyone told me this when my now ex started immediately seeing someone/cheated - I could acknowledge it but I still felt the pain. Now I can look at it as really quite tragic for her; she is doomed to repeat those mistakes and once her looks completely vanish she will find herself completely at sea...
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 05:31 AM
4

Good luck, brother - my ex did the same thing - being alone in your home is beautiful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:07 PM
3

Not posting - but I felt the same thing, as soon as nobody was around the mask would slip and I would see the callous and cold hearted person she had become. It was like being slapped every time I saw it, because it was just so absolutely brazen.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:06 PM
2

This is the truth. I didn't know how much stress I was carrying with my ex until she finally left the house and I could breathe again. Being physically close might give you the impression you're emotionally/intellectually close - do not fall into that trap. "good morning", "good night", "I am going out and will be back at X time" is about the most communication you should be having.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:05 PM
3

Easily said, hard to feel as truth - but I'm with you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 08:15 AM
6

My girls are 4 and 2 - I promise you that it does get better. It really, really does. Eventually. EDIT: Don't do anything rash, grey rock your ex (and it will eventually be how you truly feel), hold it together for the kids when they're around, and give yourself permission to grieve and wail and cry and scream when you're not with them. I'm just out the other side, I wouldn't wish it on anyone but is a hell through which you must pass whether you want to or not, so in the words of Winnie: "Keep …
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 05:18 PM
3

Thank you, buddy - I saw so little integrity in my ex-wife that it is in the forefront of my mind. I guess part of this is a little rant: never had this happen before, never even matched on a dating site with a woman this young and pretty, etc. etc. -but one must simply soldier on.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 07:49 AM
6

It will get better, buddy - I promise. Not tonight, or tomorrow, or next week - but it keeps slowly getting better. We have all been there, and we have all come through the fire.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 01:35 PM
8

Correct. I think girls with close male gay friends is a red flag, for sure. EDIT: to be clear, not because that person is homosexual - but rather it indicates an affection towards extravagant lifestyle, clubbing, a lack of traditional values, etc. etc.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 10:39 AM
3

I absolutely feel you on this, pretty much every point is common between our experiences. I'm so sorry buddy, take care...
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 07:25 AM
16

Yep, my first wife cheated on me with her """"gay friend"""" and my second wife, if not cheating then certainly wasted NO TIME in hooking up with another guy while she was still living at home, we were married, and our kids were asleep upstairs. Your (ex)wife's actions are not a reflection on your character, rather one on hers. When the chips are down, most men would sacrifice anything for their family and it seems that most women will sacrifice their family for whim, caprice, 'vibes', and a par…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 07:09 AM
6

She dropped the bombshell on me in June, and we were living together until the following March. I say that, but by the end she was spending every overnight and any evening she wasn't 'on deck' with the kids at her friends/boyfriends house. I can honestly say that coming back to the house after she left was like a cool glass of water after sweating on a run for hours. I cannot explain how much of a relief it was to not have her in my space all the time. I didn't realise how much of a pressure coo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 06:31 PM
2

TBH I would probably not do something that is a red letter/marquee day - because you're emphasising the significance of the day/date. If you have any friends I would suggest spending it with them in whole or part. Go grab a breakfast at a nice place just by yourself with a book and commit to read 30 pages, travel to the nearest town and buy yourself a new shirt/game/doodad, try to do something social (beer with friends, some kind of group sport, group hike/walk, etc.), etc.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 05:28 PM
2

Just to be clear, I don't expect closure from her i.e. her admitting to her faults, etc. - I was just hoping for closure from my own brain...
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 02:05 PM
1

Yeah, I think maybe you're right there - stopping the automatic comparison of being alone vs being with my ex, comparison of a dating partner vs my ex, etc. I feel like I'm slowly getting there, but I just can't trust myself that I'm 'there' at any point.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 02:03 PM
2

Yep - she has not taken any time, no self-reflection, no healing, no growth - this guy she's with doesn't know what's going to hit him. I don't wish her ill per se though, and her failure won't make me feel better. I just wish I could find a way to stop caring AT ALL - even though now I care a lot less than I did six months ago.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 02:02 PM
1

I'm with you there - there's already so much more to my solo life than before, but it feels like a new relationship is a whole separate category to rebuild, in due course, from the ground up.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 02:01 PM
1

Exactly. I hope that the flashes and reminiscences die down to just background noise, like thinking about an old colleague.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 02:01 PM
1

Yeah, I guess this post is less about asking for closure and more just a bit of a revelation that there's just no closure to be found in either the relationship, or feeling that I'm 'healed' from the relationship. I do appreciate the advice, i have kept a record of all interactions/etc. with her. There's nothing I can legally do to stop her introducing her boyfriends to the kids unfortunately.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 01:27 PM
5

I feel the same way about my ex a lot of the time - she emphasised over and over she didn't want any relationship, just wanted to be single, etc. etc. - and then immediately started dating (and introducing our young kids to) another guy before she'd even moved out of the family home. She wanted to be friends up until I found out about this other guy, at which point I pleaded with her to help me understand, if we were friends, her choices - but she told me she had no reason to explain herself to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 05:52 AM
5

Got divorced at around 32 - thought it was the absolute end, but ended up not long after meeting (what I thought) was the love of my life, getting remarried and having two children. Unfortunately I'm on the other end of a second divorce, but the salient point is that life is very much not over. Do everything the sticky says - no relationships for a year, gym, socialising (padel/pickle or other team sports, etc.), and you'll see right old bean.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 05:25 PM
3

I've often heard and found truth in that women typically (!) basically struggle hard to differentiate past and future. I'm unhappy now == I was always unhappy, I will always be unhappy. This is particularly evident in separation because so often it's driven by women who want something else, but need to justify themselves as a victim. It's far easier for them to tell themselves they are 'escaping' a 'dead' or 'abusive' relationship, than it is for them to admit they are liars, cowards and cheats.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 07:39 AM
2

Take care, brother
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 06:56 PM
7

I don’t have advice, just know my heart is with you, brother
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 02:19 PM
6

I’m finding this really tough too - no infidelity that I know of but very quick monkey branching if that. She was always hot, full of energy and desirable. Always really great sex when we had it. She lost 30lbs and looks better than ever and it kills me. The memories of the sounds she made, her body, etc. are by far the best I’ve ever been with. Go through phases of being totally over her in that sense, but then find myself checking out old photos and videos and getting off harder than ever. I k…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 01:19 PM
3

Ah, the 'new group of friends' - almost as bad as when their friends start to get divorced/separate, eh?
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 08:49 PM
4

I can't say for sure my ex was having an affair at the point we decided to separate, but she sure didn't hang around long if not. I guess I always thought that the rough patch we were in was transitional - early years of parenting two under two, etc. - whereas she saw it as systemic (or she was attracted by novelty elsewhere). I did fight right up until the point she said she wanted a trial separation, then I told her I wouldn't be the consolation-prize for anyone and filed for divorce. Many, ma…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 08:48 PM
1

Brother, do you know where you're posting?
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 08:45 PM
1

I will never forget the feeling of walking back into my house after she had moved out. I was working in a nearby co-working space. I was scared I'd be emotional - but it was such a relief. I didn't realise but i'd been living the last few months with someone's lead boot on my chest, where the only brief relief of pressure was because she was rearing back to stomp before reapplying. Now the house is quieter, but it's a peaceful, simple life.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 08:37 PM
2

Yeah your last point is so true. Her dad approached me saying "are you sure you want to get divorced?" - I had spent the last 2 months doing EVERY SINGLE THING I could POSSIBLY do to avoid it. I had made material changes, I had given space to her, I had worked on myself, I had begged, pleaded and cajoled - and clearly she had told her own father that I was the one who wanted to split. madness.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 10:47 AM
7

I dated for a couple of weeks in early spring and hooked up with a lady which was great for my self esteem, but the house was a wreck with my ex half moved out so I went to hers. Now it's wholly mine you can be damn sure I'm bringing them home to the old chateau when the time comes.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:31 AM
3

Some of this may be venting, which is healthy - but if OP is truly getting heated up about this then I agree.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:26 AM
2

I think you're right though - that OP will never be replaced as a father, whatever happens. I went through different periods of closeness with my parents when they split when I was 5 until now (41) and I love them both dearly in different ways.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:25 AM
4

My ex did/is doing the same irresponsible thing with a new partner - frequent trips and evenings with her new bf (of a few months) less than 2 weeks after moving out. I think you're right though - that OP will never be replaced as a father, whatever happens. I went through different periods of closeness with my parents when they split when I was 5 until now (41) and I love them both dearly in different ways.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:25 AM
3

He drove her over when she came to get the last box of her stuff and hid around the corner like a coward, when I walked down to see what was going on they both clearly got flustered and that's when my ex said 'oh he's coming to shake your hand'. Just said "No, I won't be doing that" and then shut the door on her. I think they just didn't know what to do and felt panicked and stupid. I know these aspects of my ex's personality were always there, it's just awful to recognise that it was me holding…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:58 AM
2

My ex's new boyfriend could literally be a bad xerox of me - he's older, fatter, less well dressed. He's also morally bankrupt in sleeping with her in the family home while the kids were upstairs and I was away on holiday before she'd even moved out or the divorce was done. At one point she said he wanted to shake my hand - honestly, at this point I kinda feel bad for the guy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:50 AM
3

I had to laugh when my ex told me I was "a bully" because I asked her when she could come and collect HER dogs that SHE ABANDONED. It made me realise just how distorted their worldview becomes.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:47 AM
2

> She is going to get all sorts of support from the sisterhood. They’re going to tell her how brave she is being for choosing herself. This is one of the most incomprehensible things - literally no person at all I spoke to suggested that her behaviour was thought out, rational, a good choice, or that she had taken the time to process a decision of this magnitude. She claims all her friends told her it was a great idea. (hint: friends are chronically single/spinsters/divorcees)
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:47 AM
2

Best of luck with this one, old bean - we're rooting for you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:37 AM
4

Good on you - getting back on the dating horse isn't a small victory.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 02:31 PM
1

I had a similar experience, and then hooked up with the woman on date no. 2 - and then realised I wasn't really ready for a relationship. I was/am scared I've trashed something where we had so much in common, such electricity, etc. that I didn't experience elsewhere - but I also reasoned that I've had 20+ years with approximately 2 dates, and there just isn't enough water under the bridge to know. I could feel myself clutching, I don't know if I was wrong, but I owe to to myself to roll the dice…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 01:29 PM
2

I've heard a saying which is something like "if you try hard enough you can want anyone" - does it feel like that?
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 01:11 PM
4

This may be controversial but I wouldn't bother with the counselling - I've been married twice and gone through counselling both times before divorce and it was just a colossal waste of money. If you're at that point you're just rearranging deck-chairs on the titanic.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 06:35 AM
1

Not sure where you're located but you should gun for (and get) 50% within reason, and then suddenly you've got very focused time as 'dad' and time as u/wellmodeshift/ - that part is actually brilliant. You are (theoretically) spending exactly the same time with them as you did before, but it's just divided by days rather than moments - which means all those free moments you had before where you'd stare at the ceiling to catch your breath or put the rubbish into the bins outside get chunked up to…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 06:35 AM
3

I'm upvoting because this is a thoughtful and introspective contribution to the community. I don't have any advice, because it seems like you know and understand your relationship and future well. From my perspective: I would have vastly preferred to be in a happy relationship with the mother of my children, but being single and having the kids 50% of the time is way better than being in an unhappy relationship with her - even if it wasn't my choice.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 06:30 AM
2

We are all going to make it. I have just had dinner with my mum and I am psyching myself up for a long bicycle ride tomorrow. Take care…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 07:39 PM
1

Did you catch any good fish today?
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 07:26 PM
1

because while true it's copypasta
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 04:36 PM
2

It will get better, brother. Slowly but surely, brick by brick. I was fat when married, and got (slightly) less fat now. I was bald when married, and I'm bald now. I had to take on around $300k of debt to keep my house. I gave up 9+10+8 years to three women, each of whom cheated on me by the end and left me in the dust. I'm not looking for someone else, but my standards are higher than ever and if the right one comes along I'll be more careful, better at filtering - and maybe something will happ…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 06:59 AM
2

Absolutely agreed, maybe I just misinterpreted your original message. Take care!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:45 AM
1

Thank you mate - I'd lifted on and off most of my adult life but having a bit more time and needing a little more headspace, and having friends who were into other things like running/squash/tennis who I wanted to socialise with made things a lot easier to integrate holistically.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:44 AM
1

Agreed 100%. I think the challenge is that minor surpluses are easy to ignore since body composition changes so slowly, and so you never see a specific breakpoint: first your smaller clothes feel too tight so you put them away, and then when you replace a t-shirt you go one size up, etc. etc. and suddenly you're 50lbs overweight.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:43 AM
1

I agree. I think at a low point in the relationship she saw something juicier dangled in front of her eyes and it closed the door on reconciliation. I still think that makes her a terrible person, but I think that's the realpolitik situation of it!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:29 AM
2

Good on you, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 05:25 AM
3

Godspeed.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 07:06 PM
10

Yes, there's always something when there needs to be something for them to use as an excuse to complain/leave.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 06:24 PM
1

Those events and happy memories aren't invalidated or less real just because your relationship is over. I'd question whether 'holding them fondly' while feeling 'discarded' is a truly healthy and objective way to look at it - but we're all human and doing our best. I'm rooting for you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 03:36 PM
2

This really sounds like AI :(
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 03:36 PM
6

I call it 'stacking the neurochemical deck in my favour' from a mood perspective - metabolising cortisol and adrenaline, boosting testosterone and serotonin, giving little blips of dopamine as goals are achieved. That is forgetting the other benefits for your health and attractiveness 😄
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 01:07 PM
4

I kept about 50 photos of special occasions. I don't know for a fact what she's doing but I imagine it's along those lines. re; nudes - why would I want to pleasure myself to a woman I loved, who is currently getting porked by another bloke?!
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 12:52 PM
7

Hi bud. Vasectomies can be reversed (I have a friend who did this and then had a third kid with a new wife). Forget that horrid lady, there are far better birds out there for you to find. I would agree with other posters here that women gravitate towards confidence and frankly I just faked it until I made it on my first few days. I'm taking a break from that now, but I'm shy of 5'8, tubby, and while I have a nice job/house none of the people I'm dated even saw that before they were kissing/shagg…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 06:19 AM
1

It would have been special to both of you - she has just had to rewrite history to justify her actions, and now she's ignoring that part. I feel the same way about women, desire and my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 06:17 AM
2

I think maybe you've been consuming internet media enough (phrases like 'clapping cheeks', 'poly', etc) to maybe have a distorted view of life's priorities and that is being exacerbated by your dead bedroom? My suggestion: Don't cheat. Don't open the relationship. Put in the hard graft for 3-6 months and then petition to separate.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:50 AM
2

I'm so sorry brother - I know whatever anyone here says, you're going to keep fighting. I wish you godspeed, but protect yourself if you can.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:47 AM
1

re: walking away - one of the most liberating actions I took as a divorced man was to go on a date and then tell the woman I wasn't interested. After being discarded like gutter trash by my ex, that feeling of agency was manna from heaven. Interesting what you say about dating single mums - most people seem to emphasise that dating childless women can be just as challenging since they typically don't want to be second place to children, whereas mums acknowledge your own children come first. Not …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:44 AM
3

Yeah, I feel you on that one - her selfish whimsy torpedoing the entire future on her whim and jumping straight into another relationship with someone who could be my doppelganger - except now our entire life is collateral.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:42 AM
3

Be careful what you tell yourself - I felt I was 'over' her, until suddenly I wasn't again. Recovery isn't linear: you'll have better and worse days and just because you have a bad one doesn't mean you're not processing and resolving.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:40 AM
1

Sign of depression (and quite reasonable) to feel grey/bland/disconnected. Do you know the stages of grief?
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:40 AM
2

I think it's important to also be mindful of these things, because it's all too easy to get wrapped up in rose-tinted spectacles.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 09:24 PM
1

Yep. Even afterwards their lack of emotional intelligence is staggering. Less than 24 hours after deciding to petition for divorce I come downstairs and literally find her singing and dancing in the kitchen.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 09:23 PM
2

It can happen, buddy- I'm not saying it will happen to either of us, but these things do happen.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:07 PM
1

Yep, agreed - she decided and that was it - there was never a single shift towards reconciliation from that point in her perspective. Friendship just allows you to be hurt, IMO
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:07 PM
2

Absolutely delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:05 PM
7

All of these feel real - the kicker is your point that all her friends support her. It's mental, because they literally create a fantasy narrative about what's going on, and then their friends who are doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING all support each other instead of saying 'well now hang on a minute...'
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:07 PM
1

Yes, major red flags. If her friends divorce/separate too. She almost caught herself out a little earlier than she gave me her TED talk with "Oh well X is divorced single mum and SHE's just doing great" - twat.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:06 PM
3

It felt particularly cruel to me that she always wore baggy granny pants forever and ever - because 'thongs were uncomfortable'. Until suddenly she was wearing them all the time. Well, I guess you can put two and two together.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:05 PM
3

I was going to contribute but this is just bang-on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:03 PM
8

You can't force yourself to stop thinking about her. It will naturally get less and less over time. Short term - close your eyes, take three slow deep belly breaths, wiggle your toes and then another three slow deep breaths. Mid term - give yourself the grace of 5-10 minutes in a day to feel these feelings and then commit to doing something else after that time. Long term - make sure you are doing things with your spare time that don't involve sitting on reddit/doomscrolling: get involved with c…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:00 PM
1

Well obviously now I don't want to reconcile, but I truly felt/feel like we had all the reasons in the world to TRY at the time. There was nothing to lose; if it didn't work we'd be in the same position - but she literally just came back from a """girls trip""" and said she was 100% done: didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, had no interest in trying to fix things. I agree she probably had checked out - but that makes her a poltroon as well as a tramp.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 12:48 PM
6

Yep - 1+2+3+4 = My ex theoretically had the most inertia to stay through (what she felt was) a tough time in a relationship. We had a forever home, two dogs, two children. Mortgage and investment plans, yearly holidays, extended families all got on. She ditched it completely based on 'a vibe' and is already half moved in with her AP/monkey branch less than six months later. Why the hell would I risk my future with someone who has WAY less skin in the game?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:55 AM
3

My ex theoretically had the most inertia to stay through (what she felt was) a tough time in a relationship. We had a forever home, two dogs, two children. Mortgage and investment plans, yearly holidays, extended families all got on. She ditched it completely based on 'a vibe' and is already half moved in with her AP/monkey branch less than six months later. Why the hell would I risk my future with someone who has WAY less skin in the game?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:54 AM
3

Yep, just wanna emphasise that I dated quickly and hooked up - and felt absolutely terrible afterwards. Not everyone can move on so quickly...
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:54 AM
2

My ex theoretically had the most inertia to stay through (what she felt was) a tough time in a relationship. We had a forever home, two dogs, two children. Mortgage and investment plans, yearly holidays, extended families all got on. She ditched it completely based on 'a vibe' and is already half moved in with her AP/monkey branch less than six months later. Why the hell would I risk my future with someone who has WAY less skin in the game? In addition to that, now I'm dating as a father in my 4…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:53 AM
1

tbh I don't think there's an easy solution to this. I have found that I miss my girls and I prefer them being around rather than not. Time away from them requires planning and filling, I can't rely on myself not to just sit at home and doomscroll/ruminate.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:46 AM
7

I think (!) it is a necessity for this kind of separation. They MUST be the victim and you MUST be the oppressor, the one keeping them sad and trapped. This narrative is essential because it allows them to portray themselves as 'escaping' rather than 'leaving'. It paints their selfish and awful behaviour as 'brave', etc.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:04 AM
2

I'm sorry brother. Know that it is not a reflection of your character, but of hers.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:40 AM
3

This is the correct advice, but I found it hard to follow because I had the rug-pulled out from underneath me - I was still in love with her, still wanted the relationship to work, still wanted to try - and she'd just totally gone.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:39 AM
1

Yep - excel/google docs list of day, event, who took care of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:38 AM
4

I am so sorry mate. I think we all started seeing these things and we did our best to ignore them. I've been married twice - the first time I found men's underwear in my drawer which wasn't mine. Second time, I found her laughing and smiling and 'seeing a friend' and dressing up like a hussy weeks after we had split. Both of them were cheating before the end/dust had settled. I often feel like when this talk comes up, it's in the third person - that this is all happening to somebody else, like a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:37 AM
7

I'm not sure what comfort this is, because it feels like very gendered advice, but it has worked to help me process. Your (and my) ex are in a place where they are unable to think of future/past selves as being different from how they are now. Maybe it's a coping mechanism? Maybe it's who they always were? i.e. they are unhappy now, therefore they have always been unhappy and will never be happy. I don't like you u/takingvioletpills now, therefore I never liked you, etc. etc. The ever present 'n…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:33 AM
4

I love the idea of this - and I'm sure you have this response all the time: I cannot imagine it. A woman who threw away everything without even trying to reconcile. Who was screwing other men in the family home before she even moved out. Who had the audacity to treat me with such contempt and little respect. How can I ever be friends with that?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:27 AM
12

Agreed. My ex had the gall, when she turned up with her AP/monkey-branch (who knows), that he was going to come and shake my hand. I told her "No, I will not be doing that" and shut the door in her face. I am a grey rock and I am not going to sanction your horrific behaviour.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:26 AM
3

Honestly, I felt (and feel) that injustice. That said, I think maybe you should think about stronger boundaries? BIFF messages via text only, no phonecalls (until you have a degree of equanimity) and certainly not letting her into your home. Change your locks/code? Wait by the door to recieve the kids and say 'goodbye'?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 07:24 AM
2

I'm so sorry brother, I don't have the solution - just know that you are not fighting this good fight alone.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 06:22 AM
2

I went from paying literally all of my disposable income, to around 2/3rds - I get to save around 20%, spend 10-15% and then the rest goes on bills.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 08:33 PM
3

Did a bit of dating and one of the women said she had two baby-daddy's but it "wasn't how she was". Well honey, it kinda is.. Same for this new bloke in my kid's lives - he was shagging a woman who wasn't even moved out of her family home, with two kids in place. Sad for her, hurtful to me, but kinda pathetic for him.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 08:03 PM
3

Yep, immediate rebound and absolutely no reflection on what she wants/needs or what impact her choices and mentality had on an 8+ year relationship - she just pushing it all below the surface for a guy who is basically, exactly like me - middle aged white guy with a decent job who can take care of her. It would be pretty sad, if it wasn't happening to me.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 06:26 PM
5

2 kids, 8 years, 4 years married. She was already screwing someone in the family home within 3mo of suggesting we get divorced. I tried to date and was a terrible wreck of regret and sorrow. I'm now 9mo post-divorce and approx 1yr since we decided to separate, and realistically I'm nowhere near ready. I think about her (one way or another) at least daily. I understand that if you can emotionally regulate (i.e. no outbursts of tears, no ruminating on her) for a few days then you're ready?
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 06:23 PM
7

Yep, my daughter revealed 'mummy's new friend' about two months ago. Now 'John is mummy's favourite person in the world' and 'John went with us to the beach' - all from a woman who split with me ostensibly because she wanted to be free and independent. On one hand it hurts because I've been so easily replaced - she was already screwing this guy in the family home before we were divorced - but more because I know this is at best a zero-sum game for my girls. They are going to see this guy (and th…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 06:21 PM
3

I'm in the same situation brother - it's not got to the point where she's discussing the relationship (or not) my kids have with this guy, but it's galling for my eldest (4F) to talk about beach trips with 'John', or how tall 'John' is, etc. - and though this group has reassured me I won't be edged out, it's tough. I guess you have to think of it that it would have happened at some point. In the same way, I'm sure, it'll happen to you at some point and she'll probably feel the same feelings. It'…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 07:43 AM
3

I had sex on the second date with a woman during my divorce and realised the truth of this - it was just completely hollow. I hadn't recalibrated my brain and it was awful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 12:23 PM
2

I wishI could get to that place, bro - I'm still struggling when it comes to my ex. Her bad choices, her lies.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:49 AM
1

Dear Diary, This week I hit three solid barbell workouts, two 10km run PR's and a 20km hike. I shaved, cut my hair, dressed well. I went out to the pub alone and read a book. I played sports with some friends. My little girl told me that she misses me when she's at mummy's house. I have arranged to go camping next weekend, and this weekend I'm having a BBQ at my place for my girls and their kid friends, and some neighbours. I'm making progress to be the best man I can be for my friends and my fa…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:48 AM
1

I'm not through it yet, but my ex getting piped by some grey ogre was probably the best thing for the legal settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 07:02 AM
2

Careful of that kind of self-talk, brother. Having integrity and wishing to end things with dignity and respect is not a flaw.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 07:00 AM
6

I have my girls for next weekend and I'm doing a BBQ with friends and family just for fun, and the weather seems like it will be nice.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 10:30 PM
2

Yep. Made the mistake of trying to be friendly, which just opened me up to more hurt.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 10:28 PM
2

I agree with you, but I would want to know I tried my best.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 09:11 PM
8

I asked my ex if she was sure. If this really would make her happy. If she had no more love for me or hope for the relationship. Her “no” was equal parts pain and resolution. I would never not try, but we both know how this is going to go, old bean.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 09:04 PM
2

My ex collected the last of her stuff last week… with her new bf. Eight years, two kids and not only was it all gone, I was replaced in her life at the drop of a hat.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 08:55 PM
4

Well, if you're out at a bar or club dancing with women in a position to """cheat""" then you're far ahead of most other blokes, so good job.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 05:31 PM
3

Maybe? I felt/feel like I have options and that I'm not going to be forever alone if I choose it, but I still have her spectre looming in my mind by comparisons. I guess that's just time...
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 05:02 PM
1

I don't disagree with you - just saying that I can't possibly see the reality of finding someone as attractive as my ex, who isn't a lunatic with it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 03:33 PM
7

I did a sprinkle of dating around 5mo after my ex and I petitioned for divorce. I wasn't ready and I knew that, but I wanted external validation - some objective reassurance that I wasn't the horribly troglydite she portrayed me as during our abortive counselling sessions. I agree with you completely - dated a couple and it was fun in the moment, slept with one and then basically came home and bawled my eyes out at how hollow it all felt. It's now another 3mo after that and I still don't think I…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 03:30 PM
1

Definitely - I'm lighter, more muscular, fitter, and better groomed than I've ever been - but the base fact is I'm a the wrong side of 40 and a male - which puts me in a echelon far below an early 30's slim, attractive woman when it comes to dating propositions.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 03:26 PM
2

I'm not sure why you got downvoted. I'm not 'fearful' of my ex or her situation but it is a bitter feeling to see her glow-up to be a complete stunner during our separation, and knowing she will basically have the pick of the litter for physical relationships, while by comparison I feel like even with the decent level of response I've got on the apps it's all larger, older women :(
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 09:10 AM
3

Thank you. In retrospect my initial dating escapades were really just grasping for any kind of validation, as soon as one looked like it might turn into an actual connection I realised I was trying to fill the hole my ex had left in my life, rather than adding to it and called it off. I hope I can find a more permanent state of being 'over' her - because every time I think I've got there, there'll be something else washing over the deck - another piece of the corpse she created.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:39 AM
3

Thank you mate, I definitely feel split-brained on this - sometimes I feel like the world is in my palm. I am standing tall and see I can have a good life even if it will be different to that I planned and envisaged. A lot of the time I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:33 AM
5

I would date her because she was amazing in the first year or two, and then it all went to crap. I guess the question is whether or I’ll still have my children - is this time travel or repeating the same mistakes?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 05:43 AM
2

Hello mate, I'm not sure if I'm doing any of this right - but I feel you. When you say 'How is this my life?' I recognise that - sometimes I've been drawn into conversation about my ex (I rarely bring it up now voluntarily) or separation and it's like I'm talking about a TV character or some mutual friend. It's hard to believe it's all happened. The new man around the kids is very tough - and your point about whether she was already seeing him is again mirrored in my experience. She'd had him in…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 05:28 AM
1

Thanks, bud - I felt like I had a high degree of equanimity, until suddenly I realised I didn't. It's difficult, like a Schroedinger's Cat experiment: you can't tell if you're done until you metaphorically reveal. In my case, seeing her dancing down the road with her new bf hand-in-hand.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 05:06 AM
2

Same, this is my second divorce - this time with kids. I'm the wrong side of 40 and I see no upside whatsoever in marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:58 AM
4

In retrospect it was absolutely a warning sign in my relationship that in addition to the number of her friends are long-term-single women, two of her friends ended marriages in the previous six months, and she started hanging out with other single women friends. I even heard her say "Oh X? She's a single mum and living her best life, that's amazing, etc."
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 11:30 AM
3

Good luck, brother. My parents split when I was 5 and I went through stages of being closer to one than the other during my childhood and adolescence, but I love them both dearly and as a young adult I came to see they were human, had their faults, but they did what they thought was best for me (their split was quite antagonistic)
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 06:08 AM
2

Thank you for relaying your experiences buddy. I can only say that after cohabitation stops it gets a whole deal easier. I still have days when I think about her - even if it's "wow, i'm not thinking about her yet" thoughts - but it does fade into the background noise. The sadness and anxiety truly does fade, unfortunately for me it all sprung back up with her 'new bf' appearing on the scene damningly early - but I know this journey. To be honest I don't mind the lack of companionship - sure it'…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 05:51 AM
2

I'm sorry mate, it's tough. I have had my 4yo daughter mention 'John is mummy's new friend and stays at her house' (when I didn't even know that 'John' was in the picture). Then inadvertently driven past my ex holding hands with this new bf. Then had her pick up the last of her stuff with him. None of these things can reasonably be avoided, and makes me feel like absolute garbage. The only hope I see is that over time you start to care less?
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 05:43 AM
29

Your last point hits home for me. My ex love-bombed me, mirrored my interests, was highly sexual and I got the best view of her. That mask slipped over time to reveal her true nature as an emotionally immature, difficult woman. Now I'm seeing that play out from a distance with her new bf: he's getting that curated perfect view of her. The poor bastard.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 05:40 AM
4

Not sure I'd agree about the sofa/sleeping bag but the stoic idea of voluntarily putting oneself in less-than-ideal physical circumstances to inure yourself to it is well known. Not exactly living hard, but not having to accomodate her culinary/dietary wants and needs means the food I cook is simpler, healthier and doesn't require me having to put up with her terrible cooking without comment (because any suggestion was a direct assault on her - while I generally wanted to make things she liked, …
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 03:26 PM
2

Divorced with two children 1.5 and 3.5 at the time, - so while didn't spend much money on eating out or travelling, I'd basically paid for the whole family for around 80% of that stretch. As soon as she could get back to work and be financially independent we divorced. Despite shouldering 100% of the bills/mortgage somehow I still have much more spending money available. Had to laugh re: car insurance - she told me I was 'screwing her' because while we were together I put myself (with 15+ years …
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 03:25 PM
2

FWIW common wisdom is that the older children are, the more hard they take it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 07:19 AM
7

Can't really help you with advice other than to say I'm a few months further along with you and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but know there is no alternative. Soul? Bad Mental health? Bad but still, we charge forward.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 11:53 AM
3

Seconded. Mediation agreement, vetted through my solicitor to create a financial order!
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:44 PM
7

When I was in counselling with my ex, her facade almost broke on this. She said how she had to do so much more than I did to care for the kids so we talked it out and basically, while I was working full time, and she was on maternity leave the only 'extra' she did was 11am-lunch and lunch-2pm on weekdays. She literally said "oh... eh well when you put it like that...." but then quickly pivoted on to the next thing (how I chose to pack more/fewer changes of clothes on holiday for them, or whateve…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:42 PM
7

That old classic - you do everything you think you can do to contribute towards the house and home. She says it's not enough and she feels unsupported. You ask what you can do to make things easier, her reply "I don't need another child to parent! You should know what to do, I don't want to have to tell you!"
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:37 PM
9

Jan - let's have our third baby Feb - let's extend the house Mar - let's hit the gym together now baby is sleeping a little better May - oh cool I may as well go on this holiday with my friends before I go back to work after maternity June - I don't love you, don't want to be with you, I have no interest in reconciliation ..... women.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:26 PM
4

When it's someone else (I am talking to you about your situation) it's easy to look at it and say: "This is a damaged woman who is trying to paper over the cracks in her soul - she hasn't taken time to heal or grow in any way, regardless of whether the relationship was good or bad". It's really hard to see that in your own life though - I know that's what my ex is doing, but it just feels so uniquely unfair and cruel (I know it's not unique, and I know that the likelihood is that she simply does…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:24 PM
10

It was amazing when her mother asked me "are you sure you want to get divorced?". She literally hadn't told her OWN MOTHER that the separation was her choice.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:22 PM
3

I really, really don't like the world that TRP represents, but you can't argue there are grains of truth in it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:21 PM
2

Stupid AND malicious? Sounds like my ex ;)
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:17 PM
2

Don't ascribe to malice that which can readily be attributed to incompetence.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 09:13 AM
12

Quoting this sage passage from someone here: ⁠they treat you with open contempt and then they discard you like the last 15+ didnt matter at all. They act like they are the victim. Convince themselves they are the good guy and you are the villain holding them back from their dream life. Its the only way they can infernally justify their shitty actions towards you, and the the selfishness of their decision impact of destroying their childs stable family life without trying to fix the relationship …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 09:12 AM
6

Funnily enough - my ex told me I had totally screwed her, because I had put myself (no accidents, 20 years no claims bonus) as the primary driver on our family car, so when she went to get a car herself she had no NCB. The absolute audacity of these women....
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 09:11 AM
7

Yeah was talking elsewhere here about how many women seem to completely lack the ability to think "I may not be happy now, but I was happy THEN" or "I may be happy again". However they feel right now is always exactly how they have felt and always will feel.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:18 AM
4

My ex was never one to buy loads of disposable rubbish - but somehow I'm massively ahead, even paying 60% of childcare costs and solo responsibility for all my bills/mortgage. The pressure however, is that it all rests on my shoulders - there's no backup plan. If I lose my job then I'm totally screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 06:01 AM
3

This is what scares me, honestly - currently 50:50 and reasonably successful parallel parenting. She's monkey branched and has a new house, etc. and the only leverage she will have is the kids. She's got bundles of unprocessed trauma and is a complete mess - and I'm scared that's what it'll come down to when her new relationship collapses inevitably.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:57 AM
2

That reaction (i.e. getting angry) was something I didn't parse at the time. One of the many things she brought up during my push for counselling was about how X years ago I was in a bad mood with her friends and how they still talk about it to this day. I reflected on it and then texted that friend with an apology - and her reaction was "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CLEAR YOUR CONSCIENCE?!" Another was when she invited a friend of hers over and then left to go out, and I asked that friend if there was a…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:56 AM
3

I hope so, brother...
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:53 AM
25

I got the lecture of "I need to be free and alone, I want my independence. I don't want or need anyone!" -record scratch and freeze frame- Well my friends, it turns out that was infact, a lie. (already sleeping with someone before she even moved out of the family home)
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:51 AM
2

Well, in this case she may have cheated but I'll never know - I do know for sure that she was screwing this guy in the family home while I was out, and she's still seeing him. It's despicable behaviour and says far more about her than it does about our relationship or me, which is crushing in a different way I guess...
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 06:46 PM
3

Yeah - same down to a tee. I was processing the collapse of my entire future and she was singing and dancing around the kitchen, on the phone until midnight laughing and giggling. The absolute worst was halloween where she dressed up like an absolute wh_re and didn't come home - clearly meeting this guy. Or when she dressed up provocatively and boasted about 'meeting loads of guys' at the pub. No sh_t. We were absolutely over by that point, but the absolute lack of integrity, empathy, respect wa…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 06:10 AM
3

I guess? She hid him behind the corner of the driveway, didn't ring the doorbell, etc. etc. - but equally she has her own car and/or could have walked. It seemed quite performative.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:24 PM
2

What do you mean?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:08 PM
1

I hear what you're saying - I effectively provided a parental figure for my ex, and that is exactly who she has monkey branched to. I think the distinction from my perspective is finding and filtering out these women in future. Right now though, my ex is one of those which is compartmentalised, blocked off and happy to be the manic pixie fairy-girl to the next daddy who will put up with her insane bullshit. The result is that she's on cloud nine, while I'm struggling to put a smile on my face.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:05 PM
2

I am so sorry for you. I would not wish this hurt on my worst enemy. I kept the family home and made it my own - I redecorated a couple of rooms, put some obnoxious paintings she would have hated in them. It's performative but therapeautic. Maybe an idea?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:02 PM
5

I'm sorry brother - if you're 'trial separating' it's divorce 99.99% of the time. You cannot be too guilty - it takes two to maintain a relationship and it sounds like she's checked out. Check out the stages of grief for the emotional processing. I am somewhere between depression and acceptance. I am your material proof that you can go out and date and find someone else - but also that you will not want that until you are fully healed. For the unknowns, the moment you and your ex decided to sepa…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:59 PM
5

I'm sorry, brother. Know that you are not alone - everyone here is struggling. To get up after being knocked down. To stand up tall after being belittled. You will find yourself in due course, your life will continue without her. At 31 I split from my first wife and had 8 years with my second and two wonderful cihldren - that ended but the point is that you are far from done. Take heart, kind friend - and raise your chin.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:55 PM
1

I just wanted to come back to this and say 'thank you'. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and I know it is there waiting for me when I am ready, I am just not at that point yet.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:53 PM
2

I'm with you. For me in retrospect there were signs - it would have been impossible to correlate them individually, but only in context. I'm sorry for both of us, bro.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:52 PM
1

I hope so, mate. Everyone says this, and it is a comfort - but if it were true we'd have legions of women with unprocessed guilt, shame and trauma manifesting - and I think the truth is that women just don't care. It's not malicious, it's not cruel, it's just complete and utter ambivalence to the destruction they have caused.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:48 PM
2

I really do hope so, mate - it feels like I have been punched down, down and down again. I feel like the last year has been recieving one blow after another and struggling to my feet only to get knocked down again - while she is living her best life. I don't know if I believe it - I think that most women who don't reflect in the way you suggest are simply incapable of it - they continue their lives never really reflecting or seeing what destruction that have wrought, and their hearts are light a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:47 PM
4

Thank you - as in my other comment I am doing my best - my ex never sees this, and generally other than close friends I keep this close to my chest. I am really trying my best to move on, my ex already commented a few times - but ultimately this is my internal monologue.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:44 PM
5

I had a woman try to pin me down already, I said 'No!' which was a great way to flex my boundary muscles. I realise I can't settle down. Sex and company is nice, but not worth the aggro at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:43 PM
4

My ex slapped me once, and I told her directly that was her one free hit - and after that I was going to go to the police and it would be 100% over. One of the few times I was able to be assertive and set concrete boundaries...
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:34 PM
2

Thank you, brother. I don't really wish her ill - she's the mother of my children, after all - but I just feel so low. So lost, so hurt and so abused. All I did was try to love her as best as I could, I tried so very hard through thick and thin - and I feel like I have been treated so badly. My heart spat on and thrown away like it was nothing. I feel like I'm already levelled up a little - I dropped 20kg, fitter and finer than ever with a great house, a good career and I've had women throwing t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:22 PM
5

Unfortunately I can't go no-contact because of my kids. I have tried so hard. I'm not even angry or even woebegotten - I’m just really sad. I feel like I’ve been treated so poorly from someone I loved so much and was willing to give so much for. All I did was try to do my best, right up to the very end I really did try...
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:18 PM
3

Thank you, brother. I am trying so hard to keep it together. I feel like I have been punched down on so much, I am trying my best. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 08:15 PM
2

Yes, she has avoided any and all accountability and responsiblity for years. She is performing: for herself, her friends and her family. But I think the issue is, that this is all subconscious: I think she really DOES feel like she's free and living her best life right now, and I'm not sure that she will ever slow down and see what she's done. Her entire world view depends on her being the good guy, and to admit fault would be incompatible.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:33 PM
6

Thank you buddy, it hurts :(
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:22 PM
3

I'm not replaced for my kids - but as a partner/lover/friend she has definitely just slotted this guy in my place. It's a recipe for disaster: she has spent no time at all reflecting/growing/regaining any equilibrium - but she doesn't care and is living her best life.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:21 PM
6

She maintains (lol) that this was not an affair, but sprung up pretty bloody quickly if not. You are of course right: my kids are the only thing that matters now.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:19 PM
2

I really appreciated this. I feel there's so much of what you've written which is a direct analogue of my experience also.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:08 PM
2

Together 8 years Married 4 years Kids 3.5 + 1.5y
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:36 AM
2

Example: I went on a couple of dates with a woman and then told her I wasn't ready. She kept messaging me and pressuring me to meet. Old me would have just caved, new me was able to say 'No' and block her Example 2: My ex said she couldn't look after her dogs anymore, Old me would have caved and took them while she lived her new best life, new me was able to call her bluff and ask her to sign them over to me and I would rehome them on her behalf - whereupon she suddenly found capacity.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:14 PM
1

She showed up in my life after years of a dead bedroom with an undercut, a 1950's dress with an underskirt and frilly french knickers. I had no chance ;) Re: divorcing amicably - I think the major disconnect is that most men want to end things with integrity and dignity, but most women have already moved on so long that it's not even part of their paradigm (hence the personality switch, monkey branching, callous cruelty). Sad :(
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:08 PM
2

If it helps, I have worked hard on creating boundaries post-divorce and I feel like it's working well. I feel a bit like a dog being presented with a piano - but I'm doing what I can and it's very empowering.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 06:58 PM
1

They all say; Takes two to marry, and one to divorce. I literally told my wife I would do anything to keep us together, that I thought it was a huge mistake and just wanted her to give us a chance to right the ship - she wouldn't even give me that, just turned around and walked out. After months of counselling where she dug up every minor annoyance or frustration I'd ever caused, told me I was boring, ugly, disgusting - I just asked her "please show me you're trying. I'm not saying we have to be…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 06:57 PM
5

Exactly the same things happened to me - we went from planning third child and house extension to her coming back from a holiday 'with friends' and saying "I don't love you, don't want to be in a relationship with you, and I have no interest in reconciling" and since that point she's been refined into this cruel, uncaring woman towards me. It may not have worked out but all I ever did was love her and try my best - and she has gone out of her way to hurt me over, and over again. I think the real…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:52 PM
7

It's awful, but it's the sad reality. If not physically then emotional infidelity and prepping that monkey branch.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:49 PM
5

Exactly the same thing. It was heartbreaking to realise once that switch was flipped there really was no going back - it was just not possible in her mind.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:48 PM
2

Three things: I helped to create a paradigm where I ended up emotionally parenting her - I was always rational, calm, etc. and always strove hard to make any point I made understood. This eroded her ability to self-regulate and she effectively regressed into an adolescent shouting and stamping her feet. It didn't start like that, but over time I became overly reasonable which pushed her to be ever more unreasonable. Linked to the above, I never just said 'no' - I always had to see things from al…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:46 PM
3

The urge is strong - I knew she had started a new job and wanted to ask her how it was going, wish her good luck, etc. - and then I realised: this is the woman who was fucking another man in the family home ; she barely deserves my courtesy let alone consideration.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 08:24 AM
1

Yep, both her birthday and uk mothers day happened while she was in the process of moving out/monkey branching but it's important to model good behaviour so I made sure "the kids" got her a card and a present for each. I will make sure that they get gifts for their mother, but that's it. She helped them pick out a nice art print for me for my birthday too, which I framed and hung in my daughter's room.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 08:23 AM
1

Though the ripples of the divorce are still settling with my ex, I'm finding so much peace at the moment on my days without the kids. I thought I would be lonely but I'm just calm and satisfied. I'm wondering if that will start to turn to loneliness over time, but not for you?
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 08:13 AM
2

There is so much to this. I was going to reply with my own equivalents but this just sums it up perfectly.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 08:10 AM
2

I think this may be the way. I drove past my ex walking around with her new boyfriend yesterday and it definitely did not have the power it would have had before, but still bit deeply. That said, what will come out of therapy in this particular case that hasn't already been said? - She has monkey branched because she wants ease/comfort/validation and it is no reflection of me or my value she's moved on so quickly - even if the brain rushes to that conclusion. - Specifically, she picked a dumpy o…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 05:30 AM
1

We're gonna make it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 05:22 AM
7

I'm really not entertaining hope, it's phantom pain for an amputated finger. Have at least scheduled kid exchange via school/nursery so never have to see her - except like today, when I saw her walk down the road of the town we live in.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:59 PM
4

I mean, fair play - but we went to marriage counselling and soon as she started talking about 'trial separation' I told her to fuck herself and petitioned the divorce. We share children, what would you suggest to do to protect it further? I can't avert my eyes when I happen to see her!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:54 PM
1

tough, sensible.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:50 PM
2

tbh the fact it’s some dumpy old guy with unshaven face, grey hair, wearing a baggy hoody, jeans and trainers is a bit of an ego boost in a weird way - because I have my shit together way more than that and if I thought my ex was appealing and attractive (if not in personality/toxicity) then I should be doing a lot better when I finally put my mind to it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:29 PM
2

Is this place where you dreamed of spending your life with your wife and kids now worth the chance of not seeing your kids as often? I'm not sure I would value land/property/location more than the chance of seeing my kids more. EDIT: I kept the family home and was very nervous that she would do something crazy like trying to move away. If she did I'd try to fight but at the end of the day the children are more important than bricks and mortar.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:17 PM
5

Yeah, no self-reflection or even time to figure out what she wants - she's just fallen straight into another relationship with another poor b*stard who will 'take care of her' like I did for so long. I don't think she feels a loss though, her narrative will not let her believe she has made a mistake - she must be living her best life.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:13 PM
4

Thank you, brother. The divorce is done, I'm not putting myself forward for these - I happened to literally just drive down the local high street and she was there with this guy, hence this post.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:12 PM
8

Hey mate, I've already been hitting the gym since before this all went down, lost 40lbs, benching 205, squatting 235 and deadlifting 365. Crossfit 2x per week, Running 10k and half-marathons. Dropped two clothing sizes and dressing well. I don't know if they were fucking before the divorce but I reckon there was emotional infidelity and she monkey branched straight to him before the dust had settled. No need for a lawyer, divorce is a done deal. Therapy largely done. I don't want her back, there…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:11 PM
2

I have saved it because it's a perfect encapsulation of what my ex- did and what it seems like many experience too, good stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 12:20 PM
1

I'm 8 months from deciding to separate, 1 month since she moved out. I was so scared that my space would be lonely, devoid of life, etc. - but it's just calm. The moment I walked through the door knowing she would never be here again was like a weight lifted from my chest.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 07:44 AM
2

I went on a couple of dates and realised that I would just be filling a hole that my ex- left, not meeting someone new on fair terms. It was nice to feel desired and wanted, though I realise in retrospect that could have gone badly, but I am not at all ready for a relationship at all. Logic would suggest that it may happen at some point, but I'm not pursuing it and have no interest in doing so right now - I am happy being a good father to my children and pursuing my own hopes and dreams. EDIT: I…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:09 AM
10

You're getting lots of good advice. You cannot make a plant grow by pulling it from the stem, you have to water the earth around it, give it sunlight and let it grow itself. That is how you get over it. I can't explain it any more than that - the rage, the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the need to examine every single facet of every decision past and everything she is doing right now is not something you can 'logic' yourself out of. You just have to sit with it as it slowly ebbs away as you …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:06 AM
2

I was in exactly your place six months ago mate - everything: trying to win her back, trying to get my head straight, trying to UNDERSTAND. In retrospect mine was gone for months too - what I thought was solid foundation (i.e. another kid, a house extension) were just her subconscious trying to rebuild links while her conscious brain had already checked out. All I can say is that it DOES get easier. Everyone will give you that advice and you probably won't listen to it, because I didn't - but it…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 05:58 AM
2

I said this a few times - I think actually it's that those characteristics have two sides - when the wind's blowing in your favour it's cute or romantic or exciting and you never see the opposite side of the coin.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 07:14 PM
1

Agree on all this. Although tbh thinking of my ex with the next (i.e. current) guy just makes me more morose than healed.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 07:21 AM
1

Thank you for the wise words.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 07:20 AM
4

Down to a T. Saved and shared. My experience of this: - My ex told me I was 'bullying' her after I said I wouldn't look after her pets indefinitely when she abandoned them with me and wanted to know when (i.e. not immediately) she could take them. - Somehow rationalised that exposing them to her AP/new love (will never know) within 2 weeks of moving out was totally rational and I was 'dictating' her life when I expressed concern to our kids stability - Screwed that same guy in our family home wi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:22 AM
7

As others have said, women tend to (!) have a thing where whatever they feel RIGHT NOW is ALWAYS how they have felt. There is a big difference in the way that men view emotional change/state and women do, obviously - it comes across to us as them being incapable of putting themselves in a position like "I'm not happy right now with this relationship, but I was happy and I can be happy again" - instead it is framed as "I was always unhappy", which makes it easier for them to justify their actions…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:19 AM
6

I think those behaviours tend to be always there, but when they are aimed in the right direction they don't seem so bad - whimsical pixie girl when good, serial lack of integrity/accountability when bad, etc. etc.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:17 AM
6

I think those behaviours tend to be always there, but when they are aimed in the right direction they don't seem so bad - whimsical pixie girl when good, serial lack of integrity/accountability when bad, etc. etc.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:17 AM
1

Thank you - I keep telling myself this kind of thing. I think with conscious thought none of that bothers me, but honestly I think subconsciously it's still going on. I don't have social media, don't check her updates, don't keep an eye out for her - really the only info I have is via implicit (i.e. when I have to drive past her house to get somewhere, when my kids mention something about her, etc.) - probably doesn't help because that is the tiniest bit of info possible which my brain is extrap…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 05:59 AM
1

Don't model a bad relationship for your kids - you need to get out, it's clearly over. You tried and it's not worked. You need to talk to a family solicitor ASAP to understand your position. They normally offer a one-off 'getting to know you' low fee session where they can outline your situation/options. The only reason it goes to court is if you can't agree, and you really REALLY should agree (you are legally required to go to at least one mediation session - which is where this stuff gets hash…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 04:30 PM
1

Less punishment, and more 'old man shouts at cloud'
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 04:17 PM
3

"it doesn't matter why or how, you're living it now" is really strong medicine. I feel like I'm making headway myself, but I have to keep reminding myself that. It's easy to get wrapped around a self-flagellating of 'but it shouldn't be like this!'
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:42 PM
3

Interesting - Separation to first date for me was about 5 months, but I didn't feel ready. Ex had already monkey branched and had been seeing someone (emotionally if not physically) when she declared we were done, but that's a common trope with the person ending the relationship. I did have a lot of success in setting up dates, but I found that every person I met would be measured against my ex. How did you manage to overcome that so quickly?
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:40 PM
4

Ex didn't tell me when she started dating, but she was already sleeping with someone (and still is) 2 weeks after moving out. Divorce won't be finalised for another month or so. It's very common for both sexes to rebound into dating/relationships but women have the upper hand when it comes to playing the game. How to get a date as a woman: be female. That's it. When you're craving validation, a warm body, etc. and you can turn the tap on and get that - it's an easy choice. Theoretically the hard…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:37 PM
1

Thank you, buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 06:50 AM
1

I appreciate this, my guy. I will reflect on it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 06:50 AM
1

Down 40lbs, faster and more stamina than I've ever had - and working back to my all-time PR's :)
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 08:09 PM
5

Yep, have two kids - the only time I spoke to her about her personal life was when my daughter (4) was talking about 'Mick' who was 'mummy's new friend who stays at her house' unprompted - which is when she admitted about this guy and that's who was with her. All other conversation is kid logistics. It's a good shout about not opening the door again. I've fully shut the 'friendship' door now, I hope I can be strong enough if she comes back with something more high-powered.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:28 PM
7

She literally told me that it's this guy, so I do know it's him. That said, you're right that my mind is filling in the gaps in the narrative with dark thoughts. I don't know it's happy, but I know they're together and she's with him an awful lot at her place, which is next to the nursery my kids go to. You're right that I need to work on letting the connection go, but I don't know how.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:41 AM
3

HA! Mine put on 30lbs, kept her hair short, no makeup (or ghoulish black eyebrows), wearing dumpy dresses and casual wear. As she was working up to dropping the bomb she lost all the weight and put on muscle, swapped her granny pants for tiny thongs (which were always "so uncomfortable"), changed her personal grooming style, makeup, etc. etc. Bloody women.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:37 AM
2

I loathe the redpill ideology - it's not a world I want to live in. But I have to smile at that old adage: The greeks screwed men because it was the perfect ideal love. The romans screwed men because they f___king hated women.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:35 AM
3

It's literally the only way to get to the nursery where I take my kids to 3 days per week?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:34 AM
3

I'm sorry to hear that it's still coming after years. I accidentally ended up listening to a song we played when we were having our first baby and before I realised it I was just completely submerged in misery and loss. I hope it gets better soon.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:34 AM
2

Yep, I'm sure I'll have another relationship at some point - but that point feels very, very far away indeed.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:32 AM
2

Yep, she switched from granny pants to thongs, shaved her pubic hair (which I liked grown out), hit the gym like crazy and dropped 30lbs, dressed up in all new sexy outfits - all while living under the same roof. I wished we could end it with integrity and dignity, but not to be the case. Re: games - I had been very accomodating and tolerant, but called her bluff recently and it was like I slapped her in the face - luckily it seems to have course corrected that particular discussion. Re: attenti…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:31 AM
3

Except I don't want a relationship or the baggage that goes with it? I could find a pro - but I'm 41 and while I've had success dating, I've not had any at all with short term/casual FWB prospects at all!
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 08:37 AM
2

I felt the same way for a while - any time she'd thaw out, or we'd share an old private joke I'd be elated. But it's hollow, fundamentally she had (and yours has) moved on - she's just playing nice to get what she needs because (maybe subconsciously) she knows how to push your buttons. Do yourself a favour - just sever all contact except logistics. * Run any message you are about to send her through a grey-rock translator (i.e. AI) * Make sure you wait 30 minutes before replying to ANY message *…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 06:48 AM
1

tough medicine, but good stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 06:45 AM
3

I'm sorry bud, it's just how things often end up being. It can't help but impact your sense of self worth in some way, but it's far less a reflection on you, and more about the person she has (let herself?) become. I bet you, like me, did your best to give her the benefit of the doubt - but ultimately the whole paradigm which they create in order to leave precludes honesty, respect, dignity - because if it did, they'd have to face up to their choices. Stay strong, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 06:44 AM
3

Yeah - all women running different software, but they're all on the same hardware. The desire for control, power, agency, etc. is universal. IMO the best option would be a happy nuclear family, but being a singleton/single-dad is way better than being in an unhappy marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:36 AM
1

It took me a long time to get to the point where I truly felt that if she offered to wipe the slate clean and start over, I'd say 'no'.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:34 AM
1

I was thinking about this last night actually - she monkey branched and unfortunately I caught sight of her new bf's car at her house which triggered this automatic hurt reaction. I was mulling it over briefly and realised that at the moment there's nothing I need from a relationship for satisfaction, except the habit of being in one. I don't know when she crossed over into checked out specifically, but there were so many times she'd be in a screaming rage, throwing tantrums, sulking, etc. to th…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:33 AM
1

I'm repeating what I saw here - but it seems that after a year the majority of women self-report a higher level of happiness and satisfaction after divorce, but after five years the majority of men do.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:30 AM
1

I'm starting to slowly see that - went from "happy" with two kids, two dogs and a forever home, to completely divorced and her moved out in 9 months. The whiplash of the speed felt excruciating at the time, but many people I've spoken to said while difficult, it was at least contained to a short period instead of years of back and forth.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:29 AM
1

Taking frustration out on you is part of the standard operating procedure. In order to make herself feel like she can leave, she will be devaluing the relationship in her own mind. My ex also had volatile emotions, I even said to her once that I had become scared to talk to her and she just laughed in my face. The fact you've already brought up divorce is a huge thing, it's a one-way stop - you will not be able to have another discussion without the spectre of that hanging in the background. Thi…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:27 AM
2

My experience is that you may be friends eventually, but trying too quickly is just opening yourself up to be hurt (i.e. when she reveals she's been sleeping with someone else, which she will do)
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 07:35 PM
2

One day, older and wiser. I've had three long term relationships which have spanned since I was 15yo until now (41) with less than 3 years cumulative gap. Each relationship basically reflected the previous. Time for me to do my own thing, and you to do yours.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 12:38 PM
7

I feel you brother, There's a fine line between taking the high road and being walked all over. I found that just taking up all the slack in a relationship let my ex disengage from responsibility over time - which ended up with me effectively as a parental figure and her as a wayward teenager. A difficulty in not trying to be 'the reasonable one'. I found/find boundary setting very hard, and it's taken me a long time to just be able to say 'no' without this overwhelming desire to explain myself …
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 07:44 AM
1

Brother, I am sorry for you - that sounds very tough. I have had similar feelings with similar results. In your case, you know in your heart that it wouldn't work either - and if she'd have patched things up then they'd have just fallen apart again for the same reasons and you'd be here again but in a year or two years time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 06:17 AM
2

I know how you feel buddy. How long has it been for you? She finally moved out 6 weeks ago and for the first month it was clean sailing - then a bump in the road, which had me thinking about her constantly - but that has abated somewhat, so now it's once or twice a day and largely dispassionate/unemotional - like thinking about an aunt or a cousin. I still (very) occasionally think about my first wife - so I don't think it ever really goes away, but it just becomes part of the tapestry of the pa…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 06:14 AM
10

Not quite the same tenure, but came downstairs <24 hours after she finally broke me with 'I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be with you, and I have no interest in trying to reconcile' and I agreed to divorce - to find her singing and dancing around the kitchen. Also monkey branched either directly or shortly afterwards. Women, eh?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 12:27 PM
8

I don't wish my ex ill, because she is the mother of my children - but there would be a degree of schadenfreude in her realising what she has lost.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 12:19 PM
13

The challenge is that you wanted to end it with dignity and respect, but she would have had to devalue the relationship to zero in order to walk out as 'the good guy' in her own eyes. She probably saw the relationship was worthless or negative by the point you guys actually separated. I say this as someone with an ex who was already screwing another guy in the family home before she even moved out.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:24 AM
7

I hate to chime in and say 'don't' - if you're anything like me then there's a strong sentimentality going on, an idea of shared grief and understanding. There may have been, or there might be right at this second - but the chances are (unfortunately) that the two of you are on diverging trajectories.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 05:46 AM
1

Not using your kind words here mate, but the sentiment is correct.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 05:44 AM
3

No OP - tough lessons in this post, but realistic ones. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 05:32 AM
2

I don't have a solution for you buddy, but you're not alone. The only thing that is helping me not lose all hope is going to therapy and starting to unpick the conditioning of how I form and make relationships (i.e. excessive tolerance and reasonableness). You probably care about finding love because you're hurting and looking to fill a hole. I think (!) the solution is to mend that hole yourself and then find someone in due course who adds to your life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 05:30 AM
1

I have to drive past my ex's new house on the way to dropping my kids at nursery in the morning - seeing random dude's cars there isn't a great feeling.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 05:23 AM
5

I'm sorry brother - I echo the sentiment of everyone else here - she moved on a long time ago.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 04:11 PM
1

ah I see - I tried to tell my ex that the life she had would not at all correlate to the life she'll get and she just told me she wanted it. She had the absolute gall to complain to me that she had "no support" lol
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 05:54 AM
1

They weren't great people but we had a decent relationship, until I saw my ex lie to them in real time about our separation...
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 06:02 AM
2

Much love mate, you can do it. We can both do it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 05:59 AM
1

It's particularly tough when the ex has already monkey branched. I'm holding out hope I can get to a point where a relationship is purely additive, rather than filling a deficit. We'll see.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 05:59 AM
1

50 minutes isn't great but c'mon my dude - you have 50% of their time until they're 18 - are three 50 minute journeys per week really that much of a problem?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:03 PM
5

As my ex and I separated, my ex-FIL always asked me for photos of his granddaughters (despite never making time to see them) because of his terrible relationship with my ex/his daughter, which I happily provided until I overheard him talking shit about me to her i.e. "he doesn't deserve anything, take him for everything he's got, etc." At that point I told him it would be best if he contacted his daughter for any updates on the kids going forward and went no contact.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:01 PM
2

It's easy to think you're 'over' that stage, until there's some trigger - seeing your ex, finding out some other info, etc. - be strong brother, it's simply time.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 06:32 PM
3

If you are anything like me, your brain is either still in cortisol-drenched fight-or-flight, or is coming down from that adrenalin high. Just 'being' without having another mission immediately is OK for a while. You are stacking the deck in your favour with gym, space, therapy. Keep doing those low-friction positive things.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 11:08 AM
1

Having been the person who had to find out their ex was sleeping with another guy in the family home while I was out - I think it's abominable behaviour. Have the courage of your convictions and have those difficult conversations and then keep it in your pants to maintain dignity and respect for yourself and your relationship. IMO of course.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:53 AM
1

This is sage advice. Same story - tried to date early on a little and it was hollow. Managed to dodge a few loonies and start to set some boundaries (i.e. most recently a woman who kept pushing me) - but ultimately found out my ex cheated on me and the bottom fell out of my world (i.e. I wasn't actually over her). Apps paused, focus on kids, figure out women another time.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:51 AM
2

You're definitely in an odd place - at 41 I've had women throwing themselves at me on dating apps in a way that has never occurred in the past. Sure, they aren't 20 year old goth tomboys - but it only gets better.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:47 AM
2

I have told this a few times in this sub but it bears repeating - I felt the same way - I hit up the apps and dated, even hooked up. The validation and confidence boost was nice, but beyond that it was wrong. I was not over my ex at all. There's unconscious processing that needs to happen. Please don't make my mistake - you don't really need it, and when you do it will be like ashes in your mouth unless you're done and dusted with your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:46 AM
3

Literally everyone I've spoken to about my ex monkey-branching said that this is the silver lining - the limerence of her new relationship makes all the hum-drum boring 'legalese' even less interesting to her. Ended up with a 50/50 custody and equity split, no spousal maintenance, no child maintenance, no pension sharing, clean break.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:43 AM
3

> respect for what we were The painful realisation that this is a feeling you exhibit as a person of dignity and integrity, and she does not feel this way at all. I feel it. I'm sorry brother.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:40 AM
1

Wait, tricked into a vasectomy before divorce? That's the opposite - and also fucking awful. Sorry to hear it brothe.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:39 AM
1

90/10?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:38 AM
9

Not sure if our stories crossed paths but this is definitely the way I understand my ex's behaviour. She had to devalue the relationship to something terrible in order to burn it all down without a look back, and returning to it would undercut her entire narrative. The sad thing is, even until she was moving out of the house I kept asking her if she was sure, if this would really make her happy, that we could try - but she had already monkey branched without me realising.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:38 AM
4

This: taking the moral high road is just a recipe for being walked over if you have a sociopathic ex.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:25 AM
1

Sad, but true.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:24 AM
6

It's mad isn't it - just a case of these women wanting their cake and eating it. My ex said she wanted to be able to come over for Sunday dinner, shared birthday parties for her kids. She invited me to her new house and wanted to celebrate our new separate lives with prosecco as successful friendly co-parents. All the while she was screwing around with some old flame behind my back. They cannot accept the new reality means that you are not friends anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:23 AM
2

LOL - she had a great personality.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:19 AM
3

That sounds awful. Stay strong brother.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:18 AM
1

Yes, I didn't think it translated across but that was also an issue in my relationship(s) - tolerating rather than wanting something.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 05:15 AM
1

Thank you. I took your advice and just said "we're operating on different wavelengths, it's been remarkable but this really is goodbye" and then deleted/blocked.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:07 PM
1

I told her I didn't want a relationship and couldn't commit to anything like that, even casually. She kept messaging me and asked me to meet for a drink (which is what I caved in to, after a week of feeling rather low and lonely). I told her I could try, but I wanted to slow things way down. She then proceeded to message me 3-4 times every single day, asking what I was doing and when I wanted to meet up again. I took your advice and just said "we're operating on different wavelengths, it's been …
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:07 PM
3

FWIW I was SURE I was ready to date. Hit up the apps and messaged about a dozen women, set up 6-8 dates, got kisses and caresses and then this woman literally dragged me into her bed after we shared a bottle of champagne. Afterwards I just felt completely hollow. I was so incredibly sad, I couldn't appreciate this person for what she was, I could only see her in comparison to my ex. It shames me to admit, but I bawled my eyes out - my ex ruined our relationship, slept around and didn't give a fu…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:05 PM
1

I did this, and she kept on messaging me - until as I said, I thought 'ah fuck it I could do with talking to a pretty woman' and went on that second date.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 02:00 PM
1

Yep, my 3.5yo said "john, john" a few times after I picked her up from nursery. I asked who it was - "it's mummy's new friend who stays at her house". She'd been moved out less than 2 weeks! What an absolutely piece of trash that woman turned out to be.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 01:59 PM
1

There is definitely a point at which people who aren't your very close friends start to run out of steam to help and support you. Hopefully you find some that stick around a bit longer, and of course there are many support and social groups out there for dealing with recovering from a negative space. As for old friends that peter out, sometimes that's just the way of things - I have had three or four friends just drop out of my life completely and stop responding to my messages, calls or emails …
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 01:01 PM
1

I will check out the book, thank you. I think I have worked out that my character attracts a certain kind of woman (i.e. those craving a father figure/stability/etc. around which to dance and play) and I'm trying to work on ensuring that doesn't happen again.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 06:36 AM
1

This sounds like a dream story. May I ask if it's not too crass, what you do? The idea of paying 15k/mo in support seems like you'd have to be earning a colossal amount but then you also talk about shift work?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 07:16 AM
3

I have personally found that counselling is a safe space for both parties to basically just unload how they truly feel, rather than to change anything. It may be worth it just to get those thoughts out and on the table. If you have decided to separate (and it sounds like you have) then go to a lawyer and get everything set up as watertight as possible because in my experience as soon as 'the process' starts then people diverge very quickly on what appeared to be sensible agreements earlier.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 06:08 AM
9

They gave me my kids, and I cannot imagine life without those little girls - so yes, I would suffer it again for them. If kids weren't in the picture - then I would definitely date her but then when the first signs of discontent started to arise I would end the relationship. She was great for a tryst but not relationship material.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 05:58 AM
1

Yep - exactly what happened to me. It hurt all the more that it was a monkey-branch rather than settling into new life and organically meeting someone.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 07:48 AM
2

Hi mate, I'm so sorry to hear this - I'm also in UK. Seek a family lawyer ASAP. MIAM arranged within a month, single mediation meeting where everything was agreed. Paid to have it documented and then sent over to my solicitor. There were a few back and forth queries but all said and done in about six weeks from that point to the financial order being drafted for submittal. Mediation is voluntary, you can force this to go to court instead but it will end up costing you far more than whatever the …
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:44 AM
3

What does the sticky say? You got through highschool with your palm, you can do it for a year after your marriage collapses.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:40 AM
1

After my first hookup post-separation I came home and bawled my eyes out at how hollow it felt. I was not at all ready, and so it was nice to get that validation but I think the 'time to mourn' is very real for me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:39 AM
3

After my first hookup post-separation I came home and bawled my eyes out at how hollow it felt. I was not at all ready, and so it was nice to get that validation but I think the 'time to mourn' is very real for me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:39 AM
3

I feel this in my soul. I am sure it will get better for both of us.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:38 AM
1

Indeed, I will find a way through this by hook or by crook. I appreciate the kind thoughts and I do agree with them. It's not very gracious of me to point it out - but it doesn't change that she has had to deal with none of the repercussions of her actions.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:37 AM
7

Definitely - I feel like my ex has behaved with such an appalling lack of integrity and disrespect it borders on sociopathic. For me what is slowly helping me process it, is the I understand that when a woman decides it's over it's a long time before it's brought up - and when it is, she will have spent such a long time devaluing the relationship, you, etc. in order to paint herself as 'breaking free' or somesuch nonsense. It is less likely to be intentionally to hurt you or your child, but more…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 06:29 AM
3

I'm sorry to hear it, buddy. I've had three long term relationships and they've all ended on the same terms (low conflict, but against a background of infidelity, disrespect and undignified behaviour on their part), and my thoughts are very similar. I can only draw one of two conclusions: 1. I am simply not the marrying type or 2. the biological makeup of women predispose them to particular patterns of behaviour over time (i.e. the process of relationship/partner devaluation and the resultant la…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 05:56 AM
1

A difficult realisation is that she was probably checking out before it got to the point you started enacting change. The goalposts probably shifted because she was already disengaging from the relationship and now there was no justification, so it had to get moved so she could continue with her internal narrative.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 07:52 AM
1

The Lutheran devil, not with pitchforks, simply whispering in your ear "You are not worthy of God's love. You are a sinner and God will not forgive you". It translates well to the concept of self-worth and disengagement from that transactional behaviour.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 07:46 AM
3

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, old bean. Rest assured that we've all felt the fear of loneliness and reluctance to engage with the world. We all dreamed we'd have that "forever family" and that we could settle down with the wife and kids and enjoy the summer afternoon of our lives, and we are all processing that change. You are at an early stage, overwhelmed with all the feelings that come with ending a relationship. It's OK to mourn and it's OK to rail against the world. Understand that it …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 07:42 AM
2

A friend of mine who went through a hell of a separation tells me this - it's not the end of the book, just a new chapter starting. I guess many of us feel like the previous chapter is hard to close.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 07:37 AM
7

This is honestly the message I keep needing to hear, so thank you. My ex already monkey-branched away, and she is living her best life - She is riding a wave of her own false narrative and I can't see any way that's going to end. That is what hurts the most, I think - that there is no justice in it - I have been treated appallingly by her for the last year and I am sitting here in the wreckage nursing a broken heart and battered spirit, and she couldn't give a damn.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 07:08 AM
1

"ethical" :(
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:10 PM
3

This was the hardest thing to accept for me - I have children with her, so I can't go NC - but the realisation that the friendship was just leaving the door open for me to be hurt was a tough realisation.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:52 AM
1

I think a large part of it is that their actions benefit us early in the relationship: they come across as wilful, free spirited, exciting, fun. We don't mind taking responsibilty because we're men and that's what we do and we're sharing a life that's suddenly in full technicolour. And then suddenly the wind changes and all those traits you saw as so attractive are now meteors coming to crash into the castle you've built.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:42 AM
2

I'm upvoting just because it's important for this place not to be an echo chamber.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:38 AM
2

Amen brother.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:37 AM
1

I'm sorry to hear it mate, I think all of us can come to accept that women's choices in life are fundamentally weighted differently to men, but it's a special kind of hurt to feel like it's not ending in dignity and respect - seeing another person before the dust has even settled is awful. My ex did it to me, and my esteem of her could not fall any lower. You will get through this, some small tidbits that I ignored, but which I now recognise are important: DO NOT DRINK ALONE Do NOT try to be fri…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:08 AM
1

I felt for the first week or so that my brain was still in this hyper-vigilant state - not only was I thinking about my ex and my kids A LOT when they weren't there, but I wasn't able to truly relax.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:03 AM
1

There's a reason it's ubiquitous advice, right?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:02 AM
1

Gym metabolises stress hormine (cortisol) and fight and flight (adrenaline) neurochemicals and creates endorphins/dopamine. There is a reason that it is recommended and it's not just curls-for-the-girls. Find or create a social group (meetup.com?), pick up a hobby. Doesn't have to be something you're passionate about but just to set a routine. Pick music or a movie that only you like. Don't rush to get to the end of every action - tidy up properly, organise your books, sort your old clothes out.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 08:59 AM
1

I currently am looking after the dogs she abandoned with me, and they are always around to greet me at the door when I get back from anywhere - which is lovely. But equally, for all that free time I have it requires to be back in the house every single night to let them out and to organise dog walkers or to be home at lunchtime every. single. day
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 08:53 AM
1

I remember walking into the house for the first time after she was gone, and it was like a flood of calm and relief washed over me. Your point about being ridiculed and mocked for your interests was definitely there in her - I didn't really factor it in but it was part of the emotional noise that went away.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 08:52 AM
2

I am in a position of having nights alone and having the dogs she abandoned with me - and while it's a comfort to have another warm body, it also means that I can't arrange to do anything on my own terms even though I'm "free".
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 08:51 AM
2

OK. I found that leaving something you consider 'friendship' there was actually just giving an opportunity for me to be hurt. I believe we could be friendly eventually, but in the short-mid term I just hurt too much from the things she did to me...
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:35 PM
1

This is so true. I remember when we were going through counselling because she'd said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me and didn't want to reconcile. I was absolutely heartbroken and was doing my best to try to fix anything I could possibly do. I was drowning in anxiety, grief and fear. And she was laughing on the phone with her friends, singing to herself, etc. It seems that all women just lack that ability to reflect and be accountable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:59 PM
5

It's really horrific, but I think it makes sense if you think about it from her perspective - she will have had to devalue you and your relationship for so long to make it 'OK' to leave, which therefore means there's just nothing left as a basis for respect or empathy. If she acknowledges that her behaviour is her choice and it hurts you, then she will have to be accountable for her choices instead of it being 'escaping a horrible relationship', etc.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:50 PM
1

2-2-5-5 seems to be 100% the best option until they get to an age where they are able to have an adult discussion with the parents?
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 07:24 AM
3

There's a particular kind of cruelty in dealing with someone who is serially incapable of taking accountability for their actions - I didn't want to separate, but I had to file the divorce. They were her dogs, but I can't look after them and she won't take them back, so I have to re-home them. I find out she's fucking someone else already, and I have to be the one asking her to please think of our children before introducing him to them (she didn't).
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 07:21 AM
6

Brother I am exactly in your place - 7 months separated, 3 weeks moved out. I started to find ways to cope, and then that was ripped away by a revelation she's been sleeping with someone else for at least three months by her own admission. It basically turned it from 'I don't agree with this but I understand we have grown apart and she wants to be alone' to 'This woman has voluntarily lied, cheated, betrayed to get exactly what she wants with NO regard for how I feel at all'. That feeling of rug…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 07:19 AM
3

I appreciate the reality check, I'm getting there slowly.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 05:43 AM
2

because she had other characteristics which I valued more highly. Except those were completely fabricated in the end.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:24 PM
3

Yeah I don't doubt. Standards of beauty warped by rose-tinted glasses of ex && porn.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 02:36 PM
2

I literally said that it's not the only consideration!
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 02:32 PM
2

It's like we married the same woman.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 12:30 PM
2

How did you find her?
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 12:29 PM
1

Why are you struggling with protection?
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 08:31 AM
3

I spent about £3k on my lawyer despite 'not needing' him in the end, but frankly that is/has been money well spent to avoid what she COULD have done.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 08:19 AM
2

Amicable separation with lawyers to ensure everything is upfront. That's what I did - I wasn't trying to get more than my fair share, but I wanted to make sure neither of us were getting screwed. We navigated that successfully. I don't know that i would have done it in a high-conflict separation, though...
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 07:45 AM
3

Yes, I had the girls make her a card for mothers day (uk) and they picked a small present for her birthday. Delete all social media. Create a 'kids only' whatsapp group which ONLY has kids photos/logistics discussion and NOTHING PERSONAL.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 07:43 AM
1

I was six months into accepting it until this latest revelation about her new boyfriend, now I feel like I'm starting over. I have spent the last week with bile in the pit of my stomach.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 07:21 AM
5

Mate there is simply just a lot here to process. A huge amount of this is universal experience and a result of the end of a long term relationship. This shit about the beds is something you will never think about except to shake your head that you put up with it. Physical connection - go to a pro if you want to have sex with a cute 10/10, but do NOT fall into a relationship. If you find yourself in a ONS/hookup then that's fine but don't catch feelings. Don't even worry about the bedroom antics …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 07:15 AM
6

Honestly, this hurts so much - like everyone does - I really felt like my ex was not like that, she was different, etc. - turns out, she's not. She's already getting fucked by some dude and I'm left holding the bag of her failed accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:54 AM
2

Genuine question - where is it that you meet these women? I'm not looking for generic advice, I'm curious about your specific circumstances. I can count on one hand the number of times I've struck up a conversation with a woman 'in the wild', let alone one I felt was attractive enough to know further, let alone one who might want to date me and is OK with the fact I have kids, etc. etc. !!
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:52 AM
0

Upvoted because I agree but I can't figure out why. I loved eating out my ex and in principle I love it also, but going down on a new woman / not yet monogamous gives me the heebie jeebies.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:50 AM
3

Wow - sex with a date becoming a reminder there's a hole your life is EXACTLY how I felt also - I got home and bawled my eyes out.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:46 AM
7

Interesting, the first sex with someone other than my wife in 8+ years was a pro - which was great to clean the cobwebs off, but my first date-hookup made me feel so hollow and incomplete. I think because with the former there was no expectation of anything else, whereas the latter I just felt such grief that this wasn't the person I wanted to be with (I wanted to be with my ex). I've killed all the dating apps for a few months, and will start again after summer I think.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:45 AM
6

If you're communicating clearly and setting expectations with beautiful, intelligent and incredible women who are putting themselves in your space - then it honestly sounds like you've come out way in front of most people. Good job. For me, I've met a few people - one was smart and playful, but none of them were a candle to the beauty and body of my ex. I know, I know - better a 7/10 who cares than a 10/10 who is a cloven-hoofed bitch - but it's kinda sad to think I peaked.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 05:43 AM
1

Thank you again. I think we all struggled with "yes... but not MY wife, SHE's different". Except, they never are.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:16 PM
2

It does work. Exercise creates endorphines, metabolises cortisol and adrenaline. Literally overwrites the neurochemicals that are storming your brain. Hobbies provide an internal sense of worth, distinct from whatever codependency you had. Male social circles provide side-by-side support in shared activities. You realise you are not alone and the world doesn't revolve around your misery.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:10 PM
1

Thank you for the kind words, bud. My hope (!) is that there is no other shoe to drop at this point. What more can she possibly do or have done at this stage? (Don't answer that.)
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:04 PM
3

I think there's this idealised world where a man can confide in a woman with their whole selves. We are told the narratives about soulmates, happily ever after, together forever. We all desperately want it to be true because it fills a deep-seated need within us to be understood, held, cared for. But the world is simply not like that. I hated one of my old bosses, but his advice of "always keep a little back for yourself" was on-point.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:01 PM
3

My ex told me horrible things in therapy - I was repulsive to her, lazy, fat, digusting, uncaring, boring and a million other things. I recognised these were things she was largely telling herself to make it easy to torch the relationship without guilt, but my self esteem did take something of a hit. It also took a hit when it turned out she was lying through her teeth about 'independence' and 'freedom' and really just wanted to fuck an old flame who turned up out of the blue. I fired up Hinge, …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:56 PM
4

Your last point is really accurate for mine - she craved (and craves) nothing but 'fun'. She absolutely cannot recognise that boring<>fun paradigm is not the only measure of life. Choosing a school for our daughter was bad because it was 'boring'. Talking about feelings was 'boring'. Organising pensions and tax efficient saving was 'boring'. Going out for a meal and a drink without getting shitfaced or dancing on tables was 'boring'. Burning her entire future was exciting and 'fun'. Processing w…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:50 PM
1

Thank you, mate. I really did feel like I was getting there until a revelation: she'd already been fucking someone else in the family home before she moved out and before the divorce was finalised. This came via my 3.5yo daughter telling me about 'John' who 'stays at mummy's house' and unravelled from there over Easter Monday. It just felt like every ounce of peace I'd managed to scrape together was blown away in 10 seconds and I'm hurting all over again.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:46 PM
1

Jesus christ, that's mental. My ex- had the audacity to say that she wanted to be able to 'come over for Sunday dinner some time'. I'm not sure whether that was before or after she let some random old flame fuck her in my house before we got divorced, but it couldn't have been too far away.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:44 PM
3

I'm sorry you were treated badly. I too feel like I was treated appalingly, with callousness completely undeserved. I tried so very hard and was lied to and treated with nothing but contempt. It makes you wonder about all the times you heard sob stories from women about their ex's - and how much of that was them just rewriting the past....
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:43 PM
3

Mate, I wish I could get to the level of equanimity you seem to have. I have to drive about 10 minutes out of my way EVERY SINGLE MORNING that I drop the girls off to school because I just don't know how seeing her latest boyfriend's car in her driveway is going to affect me. She absolutely lives rent-free in my head, I grieve and wallow in regret and sadness as she's already moved on into a new relationship and I rail against the injustice of both the act and the reprocussions.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:43 PM
5

I didn't know it at the time - I thought she was fun, cute, and sexy. A unique and special snowflake and a once-in-a-lifetime catch. Her faults were worth the amazing highs. Until the highs slowly ebbed away and the faults remained, and then the absolute depths of her cloven-hoofed personality appeared during the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:40 PM
3

I'm sorry to hear that, brother - at least there is some (very) small comfort in knowing we weren't uniquely foolish.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:39 PM
1

What do you mean romanticising the divorce? That sounds unusually cruel. From my perspective, I allowed feelings of friendship to persist, and then found out she was getting railed by some other dude in the family home before she even moved out. I realised retrospectively that those links are what allowed me to be hurt by it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:39 PM
3

I'm sorry to hear that, brother - at least there is some (very) small comfort in knowing we weren't uniquely foolish.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:38 PM
1

Loyal to who? Wanting a warm body isn't the end of the world, but since you've described her as taking your heart and loving her to death, it sounds like you haven't got very far in processing what you need to, to heal. I would suggest f___king some 10/10 pro's to get the desire for physical companionship out of your system and focus on yourself. To quote the sticky, you masturbated for 5+ years as a teenager, you can get through a couple of years of being single.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 10:11 AM
9

Brother, your wife revealed her true colours - whether they were alway there or she changed underneath a mask, that's just it. She was a liar and a coward. Just like mine, and just like so many have experienced here. She is not your friend, you don't want to hang out, you don't want to see what she's up to. Whether she's crying herself to sleep at night or getting fucked in a pub toilet, it is completely irrelevant and if you can't see it like that then you're not finished processing the separat…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 10:08 AM
1

I always thought that Grey Rock was the solution for ensuring you didn't get into more difficult times/conversations with your ex. I didn't realise that it was a way for your own brain to heal by starting to pull up those 'we are friends' links to a person who betrayed you and your relationship. Makes sense though.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 09:50 AM
1

It wasn't for me - I did and just felt hollow.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:01 AM
3

Double ditto. She wore frilly french knickers and fucked like a rocket-ship. I had come out of a traumatic loveless dead bedroom. I had no chance, really....
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:45 AM
9

STB/XW - she was the adult version of a manic-pixie-fairy-girl: emotionally volatile, impulsive, defensive and with a fragile ego. She wasn't able to have deep conversations, completely unable to take accountability or responsibility. She didn't have the integrity or courage to work on our relationship or even to wait until the dust had settled before fucking somebody else.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:24 AM
1

I hope so, buddy. On Monday she invited me to see her new house, and on the walk there I literally prayed with all hope and sincerity that she was happy and at peace. Less than an hour later my daughter (3.5yo) tells me that mummy has a new special friend who sleeps at her house. I ask her and she confesses to being in a new relationship for at least three months - including having him over to the family home before she moved out. Her entire schtick for leaving was independence and freedom and i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:12 AM
1

I truly feel like if she got hit by a bus and was dead that it would be far easier for me to process than what's going on. Knowing that this person and what you had is gone by their voluntary choice, and now they are out their living their best life/etc. while you're left holding the bag for the emotional wreckage they have created. Your advice is solid - you can't control the thoughts, they must recede on their own.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:08 AM
2

41 here and out the other side of low-conflict mediation/legal process. There are huge benefits to the separation I didn't see, because by the end she really was a different person - or her true colours were revealed. That said, my heart is completely broken and I am grieving, wallowing in sorrow and continued hurt at her actions (moving on so quickly, abandoning her dogs). I'm just saying, please be careful brother - you are not out of the woods yet, but I pray it goes smoothly for you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:06 AM
1

Not sure why you got downvoted, this is all solid advice IMO.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 06:03 AM
4

I'm 41M and I do not have quite the same length of tenure as you did, but recently found out my ex-wife's "friend" has been her lover for at least three months via my eldest daughter (4yo). Ex spent the entire divorce and separation process saying she wanted to be free and independent and didn't want a relationship at all. That hurt of that betrayal is almost as bad as the shock that she didn't want to TRY to reconcile early on. Unfortunately the sentiment "she has moved on already, and she does…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:52 AM
4

Hi mate, I hope you feel that way. I felt that after a month or so of processing I had a handle on it, and then something happened and it upset the entire process and I have had to start again. Be careful about thinking you're through it, because it's a process of being beaten down and getting back up again. The first time you find out she has a new boyfriend, for example. It shouldn't bother you, but I would pay a pound for a penny that it does.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:48 AM
5

(the following was a reply to u/whoopyboy69 but I wanted to make sure OP sees it: I don't agree that this kind of language is correct, but the sentiment "she has moved on already, and she doesn't care if she hurts you" is unfortunately almost universally true. Counselling never works, it's just a way for people to express how they already feel. I tried this in both my marriages and in the end it was just a lot of money thrown down the toilet because both ex wives had already decided months prior…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:46 AM
5

I don't agree that this kind of language is correct, but the sentiment "she has moved on already, and she doesn't care if she hurts you" is unfortunately almost universally true. Counselling never works, it's just a way for people to express how they already feel. I tried this in both my marriages and in the end it was just a lot of money thrown down the toilet because both ex wives had already decided months prior they were done. You can't negotiate love. Staying friends with her (because obvio…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:46 AM
3

No, she wanted to leave - she asked for 50% of the equity (we bought it together) but otherwise that was a relatively clean slate. Of course, she was already fucking her new boyfriend in the house without me knowing before she moved out...
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:58 PM
3

I'm not OP - just curious. I bought my wife out of the family home and you will pry it from my dead hands.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:32 PM
5

I've never thought how Nesting works when one parent eventually finds a partner...
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:14 PM
1

I hear you, brother - the mother of my children was a rebound relationship and we did hit it off fine and then went straight into covid. I was happy, but I could have found someone better suited to me if I'd have filtered more stringently.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:13 PM
2

'moment the next day' - I literally bawled my eyes out at how hollow and awful it felt after a date and hookup, coming back to my family home. Clearly, processing needs to happen. Years is laudable but seems optimistic - I think (!) the strategy is to date whenever you feel like it, but a year is about the right time for someone to process these feelings - but ABSOLUTELY do NOT settle down into a relationship for at least a year.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:51 PM
2

I tried to stay friendly with my ex at the early stages. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue the shared jokes and chat about the weather and her weekend. Then I found out she was getting fucked by some guy in my own house with my kids upstairs asleep, before the divorce was finalised and before she had even moved out. All that friendliness had done was pave a path for her to hurt me. I'm not saying we can't eventually be friends, but the advice from here and time immemorial…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:49 PM
3

You ex was the most recent person to love you, but she won't be the last unless you wall yourself away. I don't know if I ever want to roll that dice again, but we all know it's possible. I don't have any advice on your choices - I have young children that aren't even school-age yet with my ex, so there's no chance of going to live as a steam train driver in Wales :)
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:43 PM
6

Hello mate, this sounds very, very familiar to me and my situation also. This is my second divorce too. She changed (or was revealed to be) a completely different person almost at the drop of a hat. Both you and I have friends/associates/etc. who think our ex's walked away from a good thing and/or they've acted insanely. Both our ex's appear to be living their best lives, despite the wreckage all around, while we're struggling to hold it together or think about moving on. Our experience suggests…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:39 PM
2

This is the first room I redecorated - it used to be her home office and it was right in the middle of the house - I would have to walk past the closed door of an empty room over and over. I decided to claim it as my own: https://www.reddit.com/r/malelivingspace/comments/1sae5st/my_1930s_study_41m/ There were urges for pin-up art and neon signs and walls of alchohol or pulp posters, but I recognise that some of that is just reflexive rather than an actual desire. I have thought about getting a h…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 04:42 PM
1

I will tell you - at 26 you have the whole of your life ahead of you. I will also say that I went on dating apps a few months after my divorce and had a little success (which is what I guess you're after) and I realised how awful and hollow it was without proper healing. You're trying to run on a broken knee without letting it heal first. AI/etc. is good for reflecting your own feelings back at you but is no substitute for self sufficiency or real human relationships. If you can acknowledge that…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:54 AM
3

The end of your post rings so true. I cannot break out of the loop of recognising I will never have/there is a vanishingly small chance of having a 'forever' relationship, but a) don't want to ever have to go through this again and b) don't want to live the rest of my life alone
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:43 AM
3

IMO it's when the brain is completely disconnected from sexual impulse - of which a healthy amount I think is essential for normal human function. That is like saying 'hunger drives irrational decisions, only after you've had a massive meal are you thinking straight'
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:40 AM
7

I'm surrounded by happy families with young children the same age as mine - seemingly perfect on the outside (maybe we seemed so to others). I look at them with anger: "Why couldn't I have that?", it seems so ubiquituous. It is all I wanted. I am dealing with the realisation I will never have that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 05:23 AM
1

Separated in Sept at her behest, I turned on apps in Feb as a last ditch attempt to recover some sense of self worth. I dated a few times and hooked up once. I was absolutely wrecked afterwards - bawling my eyes out at how hollow it all felt, how much I still loved her, what a reprehensible human being I was, etc. Turns out that she had literally already invited a man over to our house for sex while I was away and has been with him ever since. She did, and your ex will, not have a problem in fin…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 09:02 PM
1

I think one of the many "big issues" is that the memories towards the end are so terrible. How did you quarantine it? We DID have good times, but they're associated to her and it's all become so tainted...
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 07:22 PM
1

I'm sorry for not replying to this, it's been a horrible month. Thank you and take care
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 07:11 PM
4

FWIW I got divorced at 33 with a woman who I thought would be the mother of my children and I thought my life was over. The chapter with my (recent) ex was not something I could have ever imagined. Twice burned, now I'm shy - but it did happen.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:17 PM
2

That's impressive of you - how long did you wait before that LTR? I genuinely don't know that I would ever do this again...
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:11 PM
7

I'm so sorry to hear that buddy - at least no kids :(
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 01:52 PM
3

I know I'm being a dickhead by saying this - but 'me' was the reason for the mother of my children until it suddenly wasn't, right?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 10:04 AM
3

I was talking to a male friend last night who had his wife literally block him from seeing his kids, steal half of his pension, half of all his assets, spousal and child maintenance through the roof. Constant lying and harassment. I asked him the same question I posted here - he simply said 'well, that's the risk...' - I can't imagine putting myself in that situation to be hurt again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 10:04 AM
1

I laughed out loud to this, thank you buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 10:00 AM
3

I know we could find somebody else better eventually. It's logical, it's reasonable - no real question there. The problem is that even after going through all this trouble to find somebody, to integrate them into my life - this new person has even less reason to stay than she did, so what hope is there for a 'happily ever after'?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 08:18 AM
4

Hello mate - I have been hitting the gym, trying not to drink too much, etc. and definitely reaching out to friends. I am not saying I'm without value - I have interest from women on dating apps, etc. I know I could find somebody else better eventually. The problem is that even after going through all this trouble to find somebody, to integrate them into my life - this new person has even less reason to stay than she did, so what hope is there for a 'happily ever after'?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 08:18 AM
2

Hello mate - you're right about the desire to fall back into a relationship - there was an immediate tug for the first woman who suddenly desired me, but I'm just not there yet and I have (so far) resisted that pull. I'm not letting my ex define my happiness, I am better without her than the way she is now. I know I can find somebody else better eventually. The problem is that this new person has even less reason to stay than she did, so what hope is there for a 'happily ever after'?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 08:16 AM
10

7y, not 25 for me - she told me she wanted independence and freedom from a relationship the moment our youngest stopped breastfeeding and she had the option to live a semi-independent life. Found out that she'd been emotionally cheating on me with an old flame and ended up fucking them in my house before the divorce was even finalised. I tried for a year to make it work and understand where she was coming from - to support her independence and give her space and compassion - and she was just lyi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:54 AM
16

I just got through a year of trying my hardest to understand what she was telling me, trying to come to terms with the changes in her life and personality and her drive to be independent, free, not in a relationship, etc. - turns out she just wanted to fuck other guys. Could have saved a lot of money and heartache if she'd just said that when the penny dropped, instead of dragging it out. The universal wisdom that I am holding on to is that it will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:49 AM
2

The only arguments I can see for getting better is that you end up caring less about a subsequent LTR because you a) know it's going to end and b) already put them lower down the emotional food chain. Cold comfort. EDIT: Your post history is wild, buddy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:46 AM
1

Her suddenly painting you as a villain is a way she can get away with feeling like the victim and her choices, however cruel or lacking in integrity are correct. Your counsellor is correct in that the more you push, the more she will pull away. Everyone says it, and I'm sad to say that I think it's the truth that once a woman detaches, there is no coming back. You can't negotiate love like that. Look up 'mutualisation' - I am terrible at saying 'she made me feel X, but that's OK because I probab…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:41 AM
1

Not OP - To be honest, I was skeptical reading the tone of this post. It's so close to being misogynistic, but actually I think it has some very hard truths in there.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:21 AM
2

Honestly, you tried. That's enough. So many of us have been through situations where we didn't even get the opportunity to try. You did the right thing and you can move forward with a clear heart.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 05:58 AM
2

I am really sorry to hear that. One of the most painful things is that it appears she is living her best life, and there is no justice-I am the one grieving
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 05:15 PM
2

I can't tell you how long buddy. If you were asking me about my relationship dissolving, I would have said a concerted 3-6 months where you were both aware of what was at risk, what was going well and what was going badly.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 04:36 PM
1

I'm the wrong side of 40 -but it feels like 'choosing the right person who loves you' is probably more important than 'choosing someone who loves you'.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 04:34 PM
5

If you're separated/divorced then what she does with her time SHOULD have no bearing on you. I found out my ex was already in another relationship before she left the family home and it kills me, even though I know it shouldn't. Brace yourself because she's going to find a way to let you know that she's moved on.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 04:31 PM
3

If the situation were reversed and we were talking about your wife who suddenly said she didn't love you anymore, this whole sub would be dogpiling on what a piece of shit she was. I think you probably owe it to her to give counselling and reconciliation a proper try, even if the flame is at a very low ebb now. Many of us here never got a chance from our ex's and I think we all unanimously said that we would have moved heaven and earth to make it work - and so if you try and it fails, then at le…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 04:27 PM
2

Well shit - lots of us here are above 40 and I imagine some of us want a stable relationship. I'm not at all in that space yet. re: your ex doing a number on you - my ex was fucking someone before she even moved out of the family home, which I found out recently, and that is absolutely doing a number on my sense of self worth and misery. I was hoping she would realise how terribly she has behaved, and I guess you are hoping you can beat her at her own game - but I think we both know the solution…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:54 PM
1

Not OP - this is a really nice message
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:52 PM
2

Well I think if the guy is guilty then he's not happy?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:52 PM
4

Why are you even asking this question? Do whatever makes you happy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:22 PM
1

I had a first hookup after divorce and after I made my exit I literally couldn't stop crying at how hollow it felt.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:20 PM
1

I feel the same about my marriage. I've not really had many dates (and instead actually put dating brakes on when I realised I wasn't over my ex). What did you do with your free time?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:20 PM
1

I'm sad that this quality response is for a low-effort ragebait submission. What you've said resonates so well. I felt that my ex and mother of my children was my absolute soulmate - we were together for 7 years, we had two children, a forever home, a hundred shared jokes and hobbies. Whatever her reasoning, she felt able to completely throw it away in less than four months. I don't know that I want to be alone forever, but equally have NO desire for trying to navigate the difficulties you have …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:18 PM
2

You're divorced in your early 20's? In a very real way your sexual market value is about as low as it can possibly be unless you're a 10/10 trust fund baby. If I were in your position, I'd just skip the games and pay a pro once or twice a month if you want to fuck an absolute babe and continue to live your life free of obligation. If you want to date, then do what u/DistrictDivorceCoach says, and go date people in real life.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:09 PM
5

TBH mate this sounds like an incredibly humble brag. I'm happy you've found your way through divorce and your self esteem is high, but maybe you need to thinking about why you're asking this question? Is it a desire for true introspection, or are you celebrating your success in a space that's populated by people who are struggling with moving on, let alone dating or having women throw themselves at you? If you're honest and upfront, these women are adults and know what they're getting up to and …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:03 PM
1

Much love man, I'm sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 08:11 AM
1

Not OP, but I hope this is the case, I really do but my ex is in a monkey-branch relationship already, representing that she's living her very best life, etc. - while I am mourning the future we could have had if she had just tried, once, to make it work. I know the solution is to not care, but part of me hopes that she wakes up on a rainy Thursday morning and realises the magnitude of all that she has done and lost. I don't think she will though, I think she will continue to lie to herself
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 08:10 AM
1

I really hope this is the case, I'm not OP but my ex is in a monkey-branch relationship already, representing that she's living her very best life, etc. - while I am mourning the future we could have had if she had just tried, once, to make it work. I know the solution is to not care, but part of me hopes that she wakes up on a rainy Thursday morning and realises the magnitude of all that she has done and lost. I don't think she will though, I think she will continue to lie to herself
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 07:15 AM
1

I found this the hardest - the day after she said "I don't love you, I don't want to be with you, I don't want a relationship with you, and I don't want to try to reconcile" - she was giggling down the phone to her friends, singing in the kitchen. She has to paint this as a 'relief' or a net gain, because if she admits it is her selfishness, her lack of will to make it work, her lack of respect or care - then she has to admit that she might just be the villain in the story.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 07:12 AM
1

I'm so sorry to hear it mate. The thing which struck me in your message was this feeling that there was no celebration or relief. When the conditional order came through I was abroad, and when I came back she'd gone to stay with friends - and I found champagne, beer cans and dinner-for-two. Turns out she had invited her new lover over to the house to celebrate. The fact you are hurting makes you a person of integrity. The fact she is happy and energetic shows she has none. Even if one (she) deci…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 07:09 AM
2

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, bro. I really don't know if she feels regret or misery, I will never know now. It cuts me up, because even if she jettisoned all feelings for me, I am still working through the process of disentangling.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:31 PM
6

It's really hard to realise that there was an moment where the person she was changed into the person she is. There was a moment where she decided whether overtly or not, that it was over. She would have done hysterical bonding - initiating sex with you, proposing a new baby, etc. to try to anchor herself - which you took as massive positive steps in reconciling your relationship - but the wood was already dead on the inside. She's not said anything, she's not brought up old fights, she's never …
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:40 PM
5

I agree with all your points. One really bloody awful realisation is that she doesn't THINK she's done anything wrong. I was so convinced that I would take the moral high-ground and live my life with integrity and compassion and the walls of her lies and manipulation would crash ontop of her - but instead, she's living her best life free with a new boyfriend, new job, new house - and I'm struggling with these awful feelings.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:35 PM
6

Your relationship cannot come back from this. You must simply accept that this woman is not the person you used to know. You will never get closure, she will never sit you down and tell you 'I lied to you because I am a coward, and I cheated on you because I am weak'. You cannot switch off those feelings because your brain needs time to process it. I am literally wallowing in grief at the life I lost and the wife I thought I had - and I'm almost a year into the process. You will cope because eve…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:34 PM
2

There are material, no-brainpower-required things you can do which will start to fix the neurochemical storm of cortisol in your brain. Lift weights 2-3 times per week. If you can't get to the gym then do home calisthenics. Running 2-3 times per week. Couch to 5k. Half Marathon, whatever. Stop drinking and smoking heavily NOW, and if you can't moderate - then quit entirely. Go f__k a professional if you want to speed-run physical affection, but DO NOT get into another relationship. The only thin…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:29 PM
2

It's not been that long for me, but I hear you about wanting to call or text her. I feel that way with my ex - I feel like if I could just be heard, or just understand where she is - then I would have peace. It's the hardest thing to recognise that actually, it will never happen.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:25 PM
3

I've been thinking about this - about the emotional grooves that are so well worn; You have a bad day - who do you talk to? Your partner. You find a cool new recipe, who are you excited to share it with? Your partner. You have a dream about visiting somewhere, who do you confide in? Your partner. There are a thousand little things pointing back to this person - they chose the couch, this was there favourite bar, etc. - well worn neural pathways which are leading you towards a person. There's a n…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:24 PM
1

Thank you for the help, that's interesting. Like so? Action: Told her that her dogs would be dropped off at her house on X day Emotion: Fear, Anxiety Story: I am responsible for her mood, these am worried about losing my companions Actual Truth: She cares so little for me, that being responsible for her feelings is self-sabotage. I have an affection for these dogs, but they are hers and will only ever remind me of the life she threw away.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:27 AM
3

> "laughing at Tik Toks" The day after my ex said that she didn't love me, didn't want to be in a relationship and didn't want to reconcile - I found her singing away to herself happily in the kitchen. I just could not believe it and said as such, and her reply "what, so I'm not allowed to be happy anymore?". It was shocking. I am trying to process the absolute destruction of the last 7 years and our future together, our children's family, etc. and she is giggling away to her friends about gossi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:46 AM
2

> "laughing at Tik Toks" The day after my ex said that she didn't love me, didn't want to be in a relationship and didn't want to reconcile - I found her singing away to herself happily in the kitchen. I just could not believe it and said as such, and her reply "what, so I'm not allowed to be happy anymore?". It was shocking.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:45 AM
1

I've been a dog person for most of my adult life and there is a massive urge to keep one/both of them - they are rocks, silent partners. They are also material reminders of her betrayal and lack of responsibility, emotional links to her and physical anchors to the house.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:28 AM
1

I am really trying hard to be that stable person. The kids sleep soundly at my place, they have a routine and and they are happy. I really question why my ex-wife had this guy around when the kids were there but she does testify that she is not doing anything inappropriate or confusing with them around and has them front and centre. She didn't need to volunteer that information and could have told me to f_off as she did when I started to ask her why she was doing what she's doing - so I can only…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:27 AM
1

I appreciate that we're all trying to help - but this is like saying to a drowning person "just don't be wet bro"
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:24 AM
1

Well yeah - but those brain chemicals can't be ordered around, because the feelings can't be directed consciously, can they?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:24 AM
1

I'm just finding it so hard to process the emotional whiplash from this reveal/change in personality. In July she said she was unhappy and wanted to be free and independent. In September we started the divorce process. In December she called me crying her eyes out if she could come home for Christmas dinner. In January she was hyperventilating and leaning on me for help with sorting her new place. In February she was fucking some other guy in the family home, with our children upstairs. A year s…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:21 AM
3

It really is, isn't it? I think the most awful realisation is that my ex was not different. I spent so much energy trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, trying to understand, trying to reconcile. A year of my life for her to have either lied throughout, or to hold me in the lowest possible regard by the end that she didn't care about drinking champagne and fucking a guy in our family home on the day we had our conditional divorce order signed.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:17 AM
1

Maybe fighting is the wrong adjective.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:05 AM
2

I'm truly sorry, nobody deserves this and the kind of callous behaviour from someone you thought was your life partner is doubly horrific. I would encourage you to not pretend that your STBXW is different. Everything thinks they are exceptional, "no, I KNOW her...." but they aren't. You may not believe it, if you are anything like me then you slowly accepted each new bit of information, every single benefit of the doubt that was blown up, until you accept that this is a pattern of behaviour whic…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:39 PM
3

Yep, same situation - found evidence (denied) of a liason in my family home which she subsequently confirmed in recent conversation - a jump from one relationship directly into another to avoid having to deal with any of the emotional baggage or fallout.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:34 PM
2

'fuck a few pros to speedrun the rebounds' is genuinely brilliant phraseology. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:32 PM
2

my ex has done the same thing, craved independence and freedom and fell straight into the arms of another man before she'd even moved out of the family home. Not my problem any more, but jeez.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:31 PM
3

'shit coloured glasses' is a great phrase. I agree with you - in this case people who move on quickly know in their soul that they're morally bankrupt, but they cannot admit it - because admitting it highlights they have acted awfully, and they cannot be the villain in their own story.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:29 PM
1

I know you're hurting and this feels like the end - but it is not. Your brain is surging with cortisol and adrenaline and you literally cannot think properly. You need to outsource as much of the process as possible and that's why Lawyer Order/Settlement ASAP Gym is the mantra, because it works and you don't need to do anything except follow the process. It's already happening mate, this is your new life.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:07 PM
5

The hard truth is that she has given up, and there's nothing you're going to be able to do to fix that. I dealt with (am dealing with) the exact same thing. You can't negotiate love and relationship counselling doesn't work - it's just a safe space for people to express feelings they already hold. I am so sorry - the soulmate you thought you had, the person you wanted to grow old with? that's not this person. A soulmate wouldn't do this to you. Vasectomies can be reversed, hearts will mend, mind…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 08:01 PM
5

You definitely can, because there is no other option. Once more unto the breach.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 06:50 PM
4

I am sorry buddy, just know that you're suffering in some small way what we are all going through. Some of us are further along, some of us have been treated worse - but we are all in it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 06:30 PM
1

This has been a big mind fuck for me - my ex was a 7/10 when we met and by the time she monkey branched away into a new relationship she was IMO 8 or 9/10 milf after putting in hard hours at the gym, makeup, new clothes, etc. and I feel like the chances of meeting anyone as good looking as her, who is interested in me and that we are compatible is basically nil. Clearly, there's more to life than just looks, but that's what gets you in the door, no?
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 06:28 PM
3

I'm so sorry mate. If it helps, I was asking her to do something really mundane while we were still in the same house - set up a childcare benefits account or something, and she just snapped "this isn't helping my mental health!" and when I replied "I'm sorry, but your mental health is not my primary concern any more" she just gawped at me as if I'd slapped her across the face.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 06:23 PM
3

I'm coming to realise that the capacity for narcissism must have always been there, it just never manifested because what she wanted aligned to what was going on for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:55 PM
7

Mine dragged up conflicts from literally YEARS past - things we had put to bed and she had vouched were resolved at the time, only to parade them out like crime scene photographs: You only visited me in hospital every other day when I was there for a week four years ago. When we had had a massive argument, you came to a festival with me to I could still go with our newborn daughter but you didn't look like you were enjoying yourself. You said that you didn't like dish X that I cooked for you one…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:54 PM
4

I don't want to wish her ill, but her seeming to literally be on cloud 9 after all the hurt and destruction she has wrought is just horrifying.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:25 PM
16

FWIW I filed - she told me she didn't love me, didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and didn't want to reconcile. Her suggestion was a 'trial separation', and I told her to go fuck herself - I wasn't going to be anyone's second-to-worst option.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:24 PM
10

Lack of accountability is a huge factor - in my case she has literally abandoned her dogs with me so she can live free and easy with her new life.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:23 PM
2

Definitely - I found out about her new boyfriend over the weekend (who she started seeing before she left the family home, and who she introduced to my girls less than 3 weeks after moving out) so it's a huge recalibration about what I thought was our shared experience of the dissolution.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:22 PM
4

Well yes, the acceptance in this context is coming from the acknowledgement that she will never admit it - and that cuts off this need to understand, to hear something that will justify her objectively, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:21 PM
2

How did it click for you? I feel like starting to acknowledge I was just her defacto parent and her rebellion is teenage angst manifesting over again (i.e. "I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I didn't even love you anyway!" garbage) has helped a little, but I'm still absolutely beset with woe.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:19 PM
2

Yep, she literally said "I don't care about you, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, I don't love you, and I don't want to try to reconcile" two days after an 'all girls' trip abroad and that was it- I tried to get her to work through counselling but she didn't change her position one iota.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:18 PM
3

Acknowledging that she doesn't feel bad because she thinks she is doing the right and proper thing is such a mindfuck.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:17 PM
5

Her emotions are her reality -- someone said to me it's a bit like 1984's doublethink and I agree - the relationship was always awful, how she feels now is the way she always felt and will always feel. Whether she is getting exactly what she needs in this exact moment is the only criteria on whether or not she is satisfied - there is no sense of obligation, dedication, deferred reward, etc. because these are concepts which apply to a not-now time.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:16 PM
2

Don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda feel that this should be someone's 2 week survival guide.... after getting through the whole process?
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 03:21 PM
1

Well, yes.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 10:52 AM
1

I felt like our life up until 6mo prior to the bombshell of her reveal was idyllic, and I'm not trying to rewrite the past but now looking at her objectively - She was a pretty and put together when we met, let herself go during the relationship and only started tarting herself up as she'd monkey-branched away. She castigated me for putting on a few lbs and didn't see the reverse. She was emotionally unstable, screaming and throwing things around in tantrums whenever she didn't get her way. She …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 09:58 AM
3

Thank you - I did get out there a little and meet some people and it was fine, but clearly I wasn't fully processing the separation. I felt like our life up until 6mo prior to the bombshell of her reveal was idyllic, and I'm not trying to rewrite the past but now looking at her objectively - She was a pretty and put together when we met, let herself go during the relationship and only started tarting herself up as she'd monkey-branched away. She castigated me for putting on a few lbs and didn't …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 09:57 AM
2

Thank you bud, I am really trying hard but I am so miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:19 AM
6

Is this a copy-paste?
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 07:26 PM
3

It's so sad, right? my ex-ex-wife cheated on me in the same way and I thought "no, this one? she is different". Turns out they're all cunts.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 07:25 PM
4

Replying to both of you - I think when you line up the chain of events she probably cheated emotionally if not physically way before this point. I'm mostly just sad that she turned out to be a horrible person, I truly thought she was different.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 06:20 PM
2

Replying to both of you - I think when you line up the chain of events she probably cheated emotionally if not physically way before this point. I'm mostly just sad that she turned out to be a horrible person, I truly thought she was different.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 06:20 PM
7

I told my fling that, that I wasn't ready and didn't want a relationship and she was kind and considerate and beautiful about the whole thing
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 06:18 PM
4

I just find it so hard to believe that this woman I gave so much of my love to, this person who I felt was my soulmate - would turn out like this for seemingly no reason. All the justifications for our separation were illusions, all the sweet talk that she just wanted to be free and independent was for nothing. What hurts the most is either that she felt free to lie about her reasons, or those reasons were so lightly held she was able to completely change her tune. And I think to myself: if that…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 06:17 PM
3

It's definitely possible she was cheating before then, but I think it's doubtful - in January we were talking about a third child and a loft extension, and things really did switch that late winter/spring where I wouldn't be surprised if she did. I mentioned in another comment she went away to see 'some friends' and then ended going back multiple times to see the same group of people she'd never mentioned before. It would have been hard to give the impression of infidelity any more than what she…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 05:03 PM
2

TBH my life felt nuked when she just rugpulled the marriage and our relationship, this feels like going back with napalm just for the sake of it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 04:58 PM
3

I don't know how she could have gone from a devoted wife, caring mother of two and love of my life - to what you describe - but it seems that is what has happened.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 04:57 PM
7

Yeah, she went on holiday 'with friends' and came back almost a changed woman. If she was trying to portray infidelity, it would have been tough to do tit more convincingly. I don't think sleeping around will help - it sounds melodramatic but I feel like my soul needs reconstituting. I wanted to be friends with her for the sake of our kids, and the 7+ years we had together - but clearly this didn't mean enough to her that she didn't let some other guy fuck her while she was still living in my ho…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 03:58 PM
3

I am upvoting you for the kind sentiment. I know theoretically that I should leave her and her life in the dust - but It's a whiplash revelation from a point where I thought we were to where we are, and I'm not at all feeling like I'm reborn YET.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 03:53 PM
1

Even so - the slight awkwardness of last minute cancellation is not worth putting yourself through an emotional wringer at this point, is it?
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 05:40 AM
2

Why are you going with her and pretending everything is OK?
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 05:37 PM
2

I'm sorry to hear that, chief. I feel very similar. I distinctly remember when we were together that I felt so nervous, because I had everything I ever wanted in the world and I only stood to lose it/some of it. I don't know that she cheated (although it's possible, and we'll never know) - but she just turned a corner and gave up without a single backward glance. I tried to fill the gap with sex, drugs, alcohol, food - and honestly it all feels just... empty.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 05:36 PM
2

I feel you, bud.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 05:31 PM
1

I am an expert at rationalisation and intellectualising things - I could tell myself that logically I should feel X and Y, or there's no point feeling Z - but the subconscious doesn't take orders like that, and I agree with you. I'm a hundred times better than I was in those first months, but still feel a yawning chasm open up underneath me emotionally.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 10:00 AM
3

I am an expert at rationalisation and intellectualising things - I could tell myself that logically I should feel X and Y, or there's no point feeling Z - but the subconscious doesn't take orders like that.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 10:00 AM
3

Yep - ex had four best friends - two serially single, two got divorced within a year of each other. No doubt a constant narrative of how 'free' they all feel with back slapping and encouragement.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 09:52 AM
2

Firstly, no. I got married at 29 and divorced at 35 and then met another woman and bought a forever-home and had two beautiful children. Divorced again at 41 I now acknowledge that my one shot at the perfect nuclear family is gone, but I have two wonderful girls, that home is still mine, and the future is different.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/26 06:29 AM
5

Very nice words, it sounds like you have an idea of what's going on- but be careful about over-intellectualising the process of separation and healing.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 07:53 AM
5

I'm going to buck the trend here and say that having sex with another woman made me realise I had not at all finished processing all the shit my ex put me through. I wouldn't change anything, but I now know I need to wait longer.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 02:38 PM
1

The contrary of most other people here - I kept the house and I'm glad I did - it's my house. I picked it, I paid for it, and my memories are almost wholly positive here. As soon as things started to go properly south with my ex then she just walled herself up in a single room, so there were very few bad memories floating around.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 07:57 AM
3

I generally was/am convinced it was due to a mid-life crisis brought on by first taste of body autonomy after having two kids back-to-back and being unable to find gainful employment. She denies it, but the signs were all there. I even said to her that if I was going through that kind of mental health struggle I would hope she would be there for me too instead of just giving up - but she'd already given up.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 02:56 PM
1

Man, you know what you gotta do - why are you asking us here?
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 10:01 AM
4

There's nothing that anyone can say which will make this easier - but just know that it does get better. The grief, the anger, the sense of betrayal - all of these things fade into the past and she just ends up being someone you used to know, and have to organise coparenting with. I'm going through/gone through the same thing. I tried dating when we were separated but before it was legal and before she'd moved out - and I'm glad I tried it, but it's not time for that. I was unable to square the …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 09:59 AM
3

I totally found this - she was unable to recognise ANY good times. It was ALWAYS bad. To a degree, it explains her complete ambivalence about reconciliation: it would always BE bad.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 03:08 PM
5

Mate, you need to end it - you are just punishing yourself. Life is not meant to be lived like this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 09:54 AM
3

I know objectively that women exist who are a) into <you/me> and b) at least as beautiful, interesting, funny and smart as I found <your/my> (ex) wife to be. The reality is that <I/we> just cannot find that person - anyone met so far falls short in one way or another. I don't have an answer, just saying that I understand you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 08:13 AM
1

I always default to parent rather than partner, and it is necessary to sometimes be unreasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 03:13 PM
1

I've never been a social media kind of person but I understand the scrubbing it is one of the key pillars of just moving on.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 11:29 AM
1

Good work, mate - one foot in front of the other. My divorce was/is amicable and jointly filed. My solicitor was absolutely 100% on nothing being agreed, transferred, bought or sold until it was agreed as part of the financial settlement at minimum, ideally after the final order. That said, I'm in the UK so may be different elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 11:23 AM
1

I've got a decent set of hobbies, hit the gym, and have a good group of male friends which I do partake in and socialise with - though they are almost invariably married Dads. I'm trying to accept that her actions and choices now are nothing to do with me, but I was trying (and failing) to emphasise how they still have an emotional pull even if it's nonsensical: What justification could I possibly have for her going on a date, if I am organising dates myself? I don't think that I have an undying…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:51 AM
2

If she's already moved on to another bloke then it's terrible shitty behaviour, and if she hasn't then it's incredibly thoughtless.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:44 AM
6

Thanks for the honesty mate.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 08:35 AM
3

I should clarify that there's no explicit evidence- there's an awful lot of circumstantial though. Either way it's disrespectful. I'm keeping the house, because its my freaking house.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 08:34 AM
1

I told myself all the way through this process that I didn't want her back after what she had done, as if that was some kind of intellectual switch that could be flipped. Unfortunately, my heart doesn't have the message and longing and pain have been a companion since the day she dropped the bombshell. For me it is now more of a recognition that she won't be back no matter how much I want it. If it makes you feel any better, I spent about 8-10 weeks going through marriage counselling with her, f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 07:33 AM
1

I wish this wasn't the case - but in retrospect my STBXW surrounding herself with divorcees and single mothers and starting to drop how she admired them was a GINORMOUS red flag I completely missed.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 07:31 AM
1

Christ, I remember reading that book when my first marriage was on the rocks. Ozymandias, like...
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 07:27 AM
1

Hey, I was away for a week on a different device and didn't see this thoughtful and caring reply, and I just wanted to say thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 06:51 AM
1

Thank you - I'll do that as part of my journalling.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:55 AM
1

That hope is killing me - every time we're about to reach the next milestone I say to myself and sometimes (to my shame) to her: "yes, but it's not too late yet, if we could just ..." even though I know her mind is set. Eating is a challenge, I used to be a big guy and it's a common comfort action. I've lost about 20lbs through all the stress of this process so not in a bad place now, but I can't let that slip too much.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:47 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:45 AM
1

I can't go no-contact, she's the mother of my two young (1.5y/3.5y) children and still living in my house. She should be gone in a few weeks but whatever happens I'm stuck with this person in my life for at least another 15+ years. A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular su…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:45 AM
1

I appreciate the kind words on my writing, thank you. A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:44 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:44 AM
2

Thank you for the link, I'll check it out now.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:43 AM
2

We went to relationship counselling when she first dropped the bombshell for about six weeks - in retrospect it was pretty humiliating - she would just sit there and say the most cruel and hurtful things under the guise of honesty. I decided to stay with that counsellor as a solo therapist for a while, but there was a fallow period of nothing but holding-patterns and I can't afford the £250/mo for weekly sessions. It did help me understand that I was probably being over-accomodating and over-rat…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:43 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:40 AM
1

I'm sorry to hear that - there are definitely things she is doing which I don't like - dirty clothes and full bins, until recently she was constantly muttering, moaning, slamming doors and generally being unpleasant. I guess I feel those are transient things and nothing insurmountable, so hard for me to use it as a justification to stop caring...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:40 AM
1

I don't think the last year was great, and she had definitely changed as a person - but I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is I didn't feel any of it was insurmountable. A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooliga…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:39 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:39 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:39 AM
1

A couple of people have suggested that time will heal, to not let emotions cloud judgement of agreement/separation process, and to try to fill at least some of the empty hours with hobbies - it seems like good advice. I would love to hear if you have any particular suggestions about kneecapping the old neurochemical hooligans before they ruin my day...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:39 AM
1

I've heard this a few times. I am mentally fortifying myself should this come out in the wash - but I'm not going to assume it's the case. I think really we had BOTH had fallen out of love - in my mind it was the stress and pressure of a dozen things all happening at the same time - in her mind though, the problem was me as a person.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:36 AM
1

Hey bud, I do have a fair few hobbies - crossfit, running, model trains, metalworking, RPG's - it's the quiet hours where those feelings are sneaking up on me. But I wonder if you're right that there's a correlation between idle mind and glum introspection.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:34 AM
2

I really do want the best for her as the mother of my children. I just don't know if I can remain the bastion of stoicism myself, I just keep getting overhwhelmed with jealousy, anger, fear, grief...
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:33 AM
1

i journalled a lot at first, but haven't got around to reading it back. I'll try.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:31 AM
3

I reckon psychologically if you're in a place where you can go out on dates and have casual sex without emotional investment then you're fine - but I imagine if you're craving connection and a salve to your broken heart, then it's going to end in sadness.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 10:24 AM
1

I reckon psychologically if you're in a place where you can go out on dates and have casual sex without emotional investment then you're fine - but I imagine if you're craving connection and a salve to your broken heart, then it's going to end in sadness.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 10:24 AM
2

I'm not a therapy kind of person, but continued my 'couples' therapy as an individual after she decided it was past the point of no return, and I found that I had bent and bent and been overly reasonable - it had ended up with me parenting her, and that create(d/s) a whole unhealthy paradigm itself. I wouldn't have identified that if I hadn't had taken the time to investigate our patterns of behaviour..
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 10:22 AM
2

Hey bud, if you want to talk DM me and we can chat. It's got to be a tough time to do anything, particularly expanding your social circle - but is there a church group for divorcees/etc. ?
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 10:20 AM
1

I don’t think this will get down voted here because we tend to be a bit more bipartisan. Unless this was a copy paste from the regular divorce sub! It is funny you mentioned about holding on to grudges and past wrongs - my soon to be ex-wife did exactly the same: pointing out things from years ago which we had already processed and dealt with - and which I was led to believe were resolved: but were anything but. I’m really sorry to hear of your story, but it doesn’t seem like you’re alone here i…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 05:10 PM
7

STBXW's female friend asked how things were going and I laid it out - her answer was "Well, women just work on hunches and vibes". Well, shit... (I should note that then the friend immediately grassed me up to my XW who then spent hours berating me for trying 'turn' her friend and/or clear my conscience) I should also note that my STBXW has never told her friends or family the petty reasons for her wanting a divorce (and that she had no interest in reconciliation) - I believe underneath it all s…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:23 AM
2

Hello mate, it's a lovely community and has helped me a huge amount over the last couple of months.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:20 AM
3

I should point out that I 100% agree with this - but the fact remains if there are two anonymous groups dealing with the same issue, divided only by sex, and one of them has a vastly different interpretation, then there's something in it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:18 AM
6

It is interesting how my STBXW will tell me her friends all support her, but she has never (to my knowledge) actually told them the reason(s) for our divorce - I think deep down she knows she's been unreasonable, unkind, unfair, etc. and she can't risk anyone on 'her side' challenging her viewpoint.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:15 AM
2

STBXW's friend asked how things were going and I laid it out - her answer was "Well, women just work on hunches and vibes". Well, shit... (I should note that then the friend immediately grassed me up to my XW who then spent hours berating me for trying 'turn' her friend and/or clear my conscience)
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:12 AM
8

I don't have TikTok, what's the cliffnotes?
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 10:27 AM
2

Maritime Labour Convention?
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 08:52 AM
1

Yeah, the relationship only seemed good for sure - but the sex was objectively good. Either way, I get your drift.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 06:46 AM
1

Thanks bud, I appreciate the thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:07 AM
1

Unfortunately for them, I already have two children and absolutely no desire for any more - but we could practice, I guess :)
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:06 AM
1

That's good to hear bud, thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:06 AM
1

Yeah, I think the biased view has got to be it. I was/am focused less on the relationship, and more that very specifically the sex when we had it, was great. Maybe I'm wrong that I'll not find better elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:05 AM
1

There are definitely women around who are pretty and who I wouldn't touch with a 10' barge pole even if sex was on offer - maybe I need to think of her in that context.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:03 AM
1

Oh we definitely tapered off after our second kid (who is only 1.5) - she reasonably wanted us to wait a few months, but then we had a series of crises like job loss, bereavement, etc. and the stress of it all meant our sex life in 2025 was limited to just a couple of times. I guess there's an idealisation: the sex itself seems like it brilliant whenever we had it, but maybe it wasn't as frequent or always as mind blowing. I guess that's an objective position I'm never going to know!
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:02 AM
1

Yeah, it's a bit of a moot point - if she WAS the best sex I'll ever have there's nothing to be done but move on, and if she WASN'T then that's great.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:59 AM
2

I do appreciate what you're saying - I was TRYING to be fairly objective, but I guess it's tough.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:58 AM
1

I do appreciate that sentiment, hopefully it's true for me too.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:58 AM
1

Yeah there are definitely reasons for our divorce, I just didn't want to get into them in this one-topic message :) Sex isn't everything, I agree - particularly as I get a little older and the libido while strong is a little more leashed, but it is one of the pillars of a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:58 AM
1

So far things have been as amicable as possible - no solicitors, just mediation and equal split of custody/assets - in some ways that's also tough.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:55 AM
1

I don't disagree, but 'just a chick' or not - my opinion (was) that she was pretty great in the sack!
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:54 AM
0

I guess as someone has said in this thread - I think part of the issue is (like most) she initiated the divorce and so I've never felt that the trouble outweighed the good, and it feels like a loss rather than a choice with the attendant partisan assessment.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:53 AM
2

Bringing the locus of control internally sounds brilliant.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:51 AM
1

Thanks for the props, dude.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:49 AM
1

I am definitely navigating entering into any future relationship with far more care than I did on my last two wives!
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:49 AM
3

I certainly have been thinking more and more those lines (i.e. sex being important, but not the sole focus) - but still doesn't change the somewhat melancholy realisation. (although I should caveat that other people have suggested that it's not neccesarily like that)
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:49 AM
1

I don't have low self esteem, and I'm not expecting to be a lonely old man - but I (was) making what I felt was a fairly objective assessment. Either way, it's good advice though, cheers.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 06:44 AM
2

It seems this is a common piece of advice, so I'm going to take it at face value. Thanks for sending your thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 02:55 PM
1

That tracks - She has explicitly said she doesn't 'to be divorced' at exactly the same time as saying she doesn't love me, doesn't want a relationship with me, doesn't want to try to reconcile. If only her aversion to breaking up our relationship was as strong as her aversion status as a divorcee. I don't think she's untrustworthy, but you can never really know, can you? We are well past counselling so it's mostly immaterial.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 09:01 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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