well, big swing from my post yesterday.

5 weeks into separation after 16 years. Infidelity on her side. Not the first time. This time I left.

We haven’t seen each other in person in 5 weeks. Haven’t spoken in 2. That distance has helped. Sleeping a bit better. Mornings not as heavy.

Yesterday I saw one of her credit cards was overdue. I saw it because im an authorized user and was removing myself. Since I’m not on it anymore. Not my responsibility.....

Still told her.

Short, factual message. No emotion. She gave me a heads up last week on a gas bill so it felt fair. But after I sent it I thought… why am I still doing that?

I’ve been in that fixer role for years.

Also drove my son (18) to her apartment to drop off tools. Office wouldn’t take it so they called her. She said fine.

She hasn’t spoken to him in 5 weeks. Didn’t come to the door. He left the box, and walked away, then he heard the door open after he was half way done the exterior stairs.

That one hit. if I was in her position, I would have met him at the door.

For a second I actually felt bad. She traded a home we built for a crappy apartment and some coworker who said the right things. I mean, they are run down and she has the top floor. no elevator. exterior entrance. and my son said the old wood stairs to walk about felt like they were gonna fall apart

Meanwhile, the job I told her about weeks before I left? Came through. Big opportunity. After leaving her place we test drove Audi, Mercedes, BMW for a company lease.

I should feel great.

I don’t. it felt weird. seeing her place and living conditions, to picking out a 100k car that im getting as a perk..... wouldnt a normal person feel validated?

BTW, the seperation Agreement cuts off alimony and future claims. In NC with infidelity she wouldn’t get it anyway. so no worries about my income doubling to 250k a year. I could rub it in… but that’s not who I want to be.

She doesn’t need to know anything about my life.

I don’t wish her bad or good. I just want out.

then last night I was at a friend’s place. Music, hanging out. Felt normal again.

This morning…

Woke up hating her. Cried. Paced the house.

It’s like I’m bouncing between:

“I’m good. I’m moving on”

and

“I can’t believe this is real”

But these swings… are they normal at this point? Do they actually level out?

this job i got was our answer! she the day before I left told me how she couldnt stand my depressed attitude about my current job. that she wasnt going to live that life. that was her justification for cheating.

again, I should feel validation. Justice. happiness.

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.