I am miserable, undesirable and a liar.

24M. I've been suspected to be on the AS and have been depressed for longer than I can remember and it's been years since I dropped out. I was a decently happy child (despite verbal and physical abuse, bullying and sa) but always had suicidal thoughts. I never expected to do well in life and never had dreams. Until 15 my reason being in school and studying was just to be like the others Back in my early teens I had a school I wanted to get into but didn't. Why did I want to get there? Because 60% of the students were women. This is my longest lie. I always claim I wanted there for other reasons. I had a chance those years to make my life better and to get friends and maybe a girlfriend, but I didn't take those chances. I always waited for "something better" and had the same crush for 5 years between 13 and 18. I kept following her on Insta and SC and snapped with her a few times but she only talked me IRL once and the last time I saw her was when we were 14. Only when I was around 17 I got over her and downloaded Tinder. I got a few matches and went on a date, but everything always crashed when we started talking about ourselves. My private life is empty and mostly made up of trying to find ways to pass time so I don't get suicidal thoughts with games, music or drinking alone. Fast forward many years. Not much has changed. I live with my aunt, uncle and vry elderly grandma. I leave the house to go to buy myself drink or food and i take care of myself because that has always been the bottom line for me. I do some university classes and have 3 friend groups I have known since childhood and talk to on a rare basis (once in months or a year). I don't have much in common bc I am far behind all of those people in everything, education, job, family. I have a social personality and lots of people seem to enjoy my company atleasr somewhat

But in the last two years ive gone...deeper into the deep. I wouldnt say I am very unattractive, I am short but of pretty average but "twinky" build. ive made fake accounts of men I think are attractive or muscular and tried how many matches and likes i get on them on dating apps. (Usually in the first week like 25 compared to the 3 i get) I've started understanding the incel mentality even when it contradicts with my thinking. I've blamed society for ending up like this and how years of my life have gone to waste. I've been angry about how others (especially women) my age have done a lot of stuff I am just rotting away. The thin line thats kept me above has been the interactions with random women where i get a reality check that they're people, like me. But then I go online and stumble on a post where a woman says people like me shouldn't be helped and that I'm a cancer to society. Men self help stuff has not helped me even a bit and has made it worse and into toxic communities. All of it what I see just advise men to become like other men compared to women's self help that is more "be yourself". Getting a haircut, going to the gym etc. It has not done sht to help me. Therapy (i tried it 3 times 2018, 2021 and 2023) has not helped either and I can't just say these thoughts to someone in person. I want to be like the average person to everyone including th therapist. I dont want to admit that I am a loser to anyone but myself I consder finding a partner i can help and be helped by is my last possibility because I won't get a partner who doesnt have problems. I wont be in this stuation when i am 30 one way or another Copypastr sorry dringing