I (30) had been in a thing with a guy (37) since beginning of quarantine. Lots of fun texting and endless flirting but never anything in person. He told me repeatedly he didn’t want a relationship and that it wasn’t me, it was him, very early on after we sexted for the first (and last) time. Flirting and sexual banter never let up after that.

My feelings grew, I continued to be honest with him and he maintained that he was the one with issues and that he loved being friends and didn’t want to lose that. Over time he was becoming more distant and I felt hurt and confused. A few weeks ago he flat out ignored a sexy pic I sent him and I was humiliated. I told him I was going to walk away and he pulled the “but I love being friends please don’t” card which I fell for for the third time. He also told me we could never be friends in person, only via text, due to his depression and “issues.”

Yesterday we were flirting and talking about sex and having fun like the beginning of this whole nightmare and conversation turned toward my crush on him and he ended up telling me that he wasn’t ever attracted to me and would never want a relationship with me. He said that when we sexted like two months ago he “tried it out and it wasn’t for him,” like I was an appetizer on a menu or something. I asked this dude so many times if it was me that was the issue, if I wasn’t his type, if he’s not attracted to me and every time he would say it was him and that it had nothing to do with me and that he thought I was cute but he’s fucked up etc. Now the truth is out. I am so embarrassed and sad and angry. Obviously I blocked him.

What I’m wondering is if I am the one to blame since he has always said he didn’t want a relationship. I feel like his actions didn’t reflect this and he never discouraged me from pursuing him. In the beginning it felt like he was really encouraging it, actually. But I’m sure he’s feeling righteous now because he always maintained he didn’t want a relationship.

Am I a fucking idiot?