Hiy'all!

So in the past few days, the universe really threw some shit at me. You know how sometimes it's smooth sailing for a while and you dance on the edge between anxiety and depression in a way that makes you feel good and stable and cute and on top of the world - and then BOOM! - three to five consecutive days in a row that are just a massive shit fest?

Well... I realized today that I managed my shitfest days quite magnificently, if I may say so.

Even though I was super stressed about my last ever exam, I totally nailed it. Even though my aunt practically gave me a full blown bawling/crying/anxiety attack after talking for 5 minutes (she meant well but everything she said added more pressure on my atm-shitfest life), I went for a coffee with her today and managed to listen to her without caring to much internally. Even though I went into fight-or-flight mode after nearly running into my abusive ex, I just shook it of afterwards and went on with my day. Even though my annoying downstairs neighbor confronted me again stating that I move my chairs too loudly in that annoyingly passive-aggressive way of hers, I managed to keep my calm, just look at her neutrally while telling her that that's essentially her problem because the dorm has poor sound proofing and walk off without another word.

Event though all these instances could have really thrown me off - none of them truly did.

I am kinda proud. Because not only did I manage to withstand another storm and am now sailing in smooth waters again for a few days. I also realized I kind of gained a new super power.

I don't care anymore if other people are uncomfortable around me.

I don't care if my professor maybe thinks that I am crazy because I wrote an essay on the last page of the exam, telling him that I have a job offer lined up and am writing my undergrad thesis at the moment and this was my last exam and I desperately needed to pass in order to progress with my life and not study for another semester and I hope everything would go well.

I don't care whether my aunt has her own emotional baggage to carry which I could potentially de-tangle for her because it's very similar to my own baggage and I work hard to sort out my own mess and have become very proficient. If she cannot meet my emotional needs, then I will not open up emotionally to her anymore and even if she desperately tries to connect - that's not my problem. I do not need to be accomodating to her after she made me cry for 20 minutes like I have not cried for years. Without even recognising or apologizing for what she did.

I don't care about my ex anymore. Well.. only when in enclosed spaces with the possibility of him suddenly appearing unexpectedly in the only entrance to the room. But otherwise I am just empty. If I ever will have to explain how I know him, I will probably not say 'We were together for 5 years' anymore but go with 'We used to have sex' instead, leaving everyone who hears that and potentially him in an uncomfortable few seconds of dread.

I don't care anymore about my stupid neighbor. In fact she was the last person I needed to meet to realize that I am stronger than this shit fest. I faced her. I didn't care. I completely disregarded her passive-aggressiveness. Went into my flat. And shoved all the chairs in my apartment around for a while while dancing and laughing manically.

I so hope she heard all of that.

Most important lesson learned: you are responsible for yourself. For how you feel. You are not responsible for other people or how they feel. You will reach domination level if you can tolerate other people being extremely uncomfortable in your presence without it affecting you.

Master. That. Shit.

I now know how power feels like. Queen up, ladies!

It's an amazing world out there and it's yours for the taking. Rule the shit out of your queendoms and be the magnificent bitches that you were always meant to be!